Subject: Approaching 6 years

I found this site a few years ago and now have the app installed on my phone. I don’t open it too often, maybe once a month. I read thru the guest posts and feel the pain. I understand the feelings so many think no one can possibly understand. I have been there, I still am.
My younger brother shot himself in the head on feb 4th, 2012. He was 25 years old, getting a divorce and a Marine.
I am finally seeing a counselor, finally working thru the feelings. I have been shoving them deep down, ignoring them. But this year is a year of great change. I am divorcing my husband of 10 years and opening up to the world.
The hurt of losing my younger brother hasn’t lessened any. I still think of him everyday, whether I speak of him or not. It is a cycle of talking and crying and finding someone to listen. Whether you hold it in or let it out, everything is real and ok. Our lives are never, ever going to be the same. Nor should they, we have felt a loss so profound. For me, I am going for what makes me happy, I am not letting life’s negativity or other people hold me back. There have been two life altering events, losing my brother and finding my father. Two things that I couldn’t even dream of when I was younger, and now they have happened and for the good and the bad, I am here still.
I pull down my brothers flag case, with his picture and his medals. I open it up and if alone, I cry. I let it out, then I pull it back in and continue.

Subject: I lost one of my beautiful brothers yesterday

I received a text & phone call from my other siblings, that my second oldest brother took his own life to hanging. We are in a state of shock. He was a great man that struggeled with alot of things in life like most of us do. It was such terrible news that anyone could ever receive in there whole life. What shocked us was that we did not think he could do something like that. It is like a bad dream. We just ask Why o Why did you do it. My beautiful brother was stuck in a bad rut. He was only 55 years old. He had a wife 25 years married & two adult son’s. He was about to move & start a new adventure with this move with his wife. I will never get over this great loss of my darling brother that would never hurt anyone. He was full of love & giving. The sad thing is I will never get a phone call from him ever again & I will never hear him laugh. He was always there to talk to through good & bad times. It is so so heart breaking it tears your heart out. You rest in peace Mark love & miss you forever but always in our hearts.

Subject: Missing my brother John

It’s now been 238 days since I lost my younger brother John. It’s been very difficult through the holidays and I continue to try to accept what happened. I gave my 4 nieces and nephews a beautiful slate plank with an individualized picture and saying for each of them as a gift. I still struggle with wishing they had explained everything that was and had happened. And wishing that I had asked the right things. I love the movie “It’s a Wonderful Life” and wonder why I wasn’t able to be my brothers Clarence. I find it hard to totally express my feelings to my family as they then start to become concerned about me. But all I trying to do is work through my own grief.

My little brother, Jacob Rogers, was gay. That did not bother my family nor myself. It was always known and excepted since he was little. But we grew up in a small country town and he was picked on for years over this. We were a grade apart so I never heard or noticed these things taking place. He always shook off the jokes and never told me nor the rest of my family about this. Well I graduated high school in May of 2011 and moved in with some friends. When I moved out in May, I did not contact my family but about once a week. Well on December 7th I get a call saying my Brother Jacob is dead. That he shot and killed himself. My heart sank to my a**. It was the first time my entire body felt tingly because of emotion. Not a single day goes by that I don’t think about that day and the weeks following. Six years later nothing has changed. I can still hear his voice saying my name and I can still remember specific conversations. I do not remember the last time I spoke to him let alone our last words together. The last I remember of my little brother was seeing him walk out of a Walmart with a group of friends, I did not approach him nor did he even see me. I did not want to come up and speak to him with his friends around – I wanted to give him his friend time. Not a single day goes by that I don’t regret not running across the parking lot and talking to him. What I wouldn’t give for just a phone call now. F***.

It’s been a month since I last saw you!!! Oh how I miss you, not a day has gone by that I do not think of you. I beg God to let me see you, even if it’s just in my dreams. Mom is still crying day and night; she is devastated and nothing or no one can console her..Dad is trying to move on but he needs help getting past the vision of seeing you laying on your bed after you did that horrible thing! I am taking him with me to a grief group in hopes that we might find some comfort… Serg you left our hearts completely destroyed. We helped you every way possible. We were such a close and loving family. WHY WHY WHY, I guess we will never know. Your boys are ok. They have been sick but promised to come see us tomorrow. They too need lots of love because they are suffering without you around, but I promise to watch over them… I am so sorry you felt so low that your only solution was to leave. I am so sorry we weren’t enough for you to want to stay and I am so sorry that I didn’t tell you how proud I was to be your sister. I AM JUST SORRY for whatever we did wrong. I will always love you and I can’t wait to see you again so I can hug you tight and never let go. Sweet dreams always and hope you are happy like you deserve to be.

Liberosis- the desire to care less, to be liberated from your cares, to let something go
That’s been me for a month now. I keep staring at computer screens watching as people realize that my brother is gone, watching as they share their grief but more importantly their stories. Stories I never heard, smiles I never saw, and laughs I missed and will always miss. I need to soak up every new think about him because that’s it, we’ve had all we will from him. I have a headache and my eyes are sore from staring so hard.
I’m back at work now but I cried at my desk today.
I just want to let some of this go. It’s too much.

I found out today that my brother killed himself. No one knows why. He was 40 coming up and has a new baby. This was completely out of the blue. He lives in Australia and I live in the U.K. I haven’t seen him for eight years. I can’t understand it and I don’t believe it. I love him so much. Why did he do this? Why didn’t he talk to me? Why didn’t I go and visit him? Now it’s too late and I’ll never see him again.

My brother committed suicide a few days before Christmas. He was found in a motel room; police say he suffocated himself. I’m shaken by my loss. I can’t help but think it could have been prevented if we just hung out more, talked more, told him I love him more. Everything seemed to be going well for him, promotion, better hours, sweet new Dodge Challenger. Seeing my mom and the rest of my family so upset is breaking my heart. I don’t know how to deal with this. I wish he knew how much we all love him. I miss him so much, it hurts. I can’t accept the fact that I’ll never see him again. I just miss him.

My brother hung himself a few days ago. I was the one to find him. I still can’t believe it. I knew he was struggling with depression, but whenever I tried talking to him he would get mad. I tried telling my parents but that made him even more upset. Wherever he is, I want him to be calm and not feel the way he did these past few years. I wish this never happened and feel so sorry for him, because he had so much to offer. What I am mad about is the fact that he always had this ability to make random things he was passionate about happen… so it doesn’t make any sense whatsoever that he couldn’t pull through and win this war. He left us all heartbroken. There’s nobody that I could talk to because nobody can understand this. I never thought this would happen and I pray for my family’s health and well being. But I seriously have no idea nor clue how we’re going to get through this. I love my brother dearly and was always scared for his fragile soul. Hopefully he’s safe and happy now.