Big Bro from your Lil Sis

Dear K.V,
It’s been eight years since you passed. For the first 6 years I was just numb and carrying on with life as if nothing had changed. Last year, I spent the whole year crying EVERY single day. I would wake up exhausted after ten hours sleep and start my day with a three hour cry session. I was consumed with this unbearable sadness and hopeless feeling. All I could think about was how much I wanted my pain to be over and the reasons for my pain. We are two months into this year and all I can think about is how much you’ve hurt not only me, but your whole family. I’m angry not because you chose to leave us, but because you caused us so much pain. I know it was not all your fault but I can’t help but feel like if you had not killed yourself, so many people, including me, your lil sister, wouldn’t be so hurt and I’d still be the happy and bubbly person I use to be. I’m scared to love people because I’m afraid I’ll lose them too. I don’t think I can survive another great loss.

You are my annoying big brother and I will always love you but I know that I will have to spend the rest of my life with this massive hole inside of me. A hole that I will never be able to fill.

Miss you until the end,

To my brother

To my brother,

We haven’t talked or seen each other in four and a half years. I miss the relationship we had, our similar yet completely opposite personalities, our witty and sarcastic retorts to one another, even our not so subtle disagreements, or better word for it, “fights”. You left at the worst time. You were almost finished high school and I was just starting, you were supposed to continue to be the annoyingly overprotective brother, we would avoid each other when we would pass each other at school, give me advice on subjects, teachers, life… Then you were supposed to meet my boyfriend or girlfriend, be intimidating and that stereotypical big brother act, be at my high school graduation, my university graduation, my 21st and me be at your high school graduation, your university graduation, and your 21st, and be at my wedding and me at yours and so many many many other things. There were so much that could have been, that should’ve been and now all of that is just an unrealistic dream… I love you and miss you constantly. You are, as I will never say ‘you were’, my brother.

Your sister.

Lettre ouverte

Petite pensée pour toi ce soir fréro, j’voulais que tu sache que j’taime, j’taime pour toujours pis j’pense pas que je te l’ai jamais dit directement, mais je le pense pis je le pense vraiment. P’tête qu’on a jamais pu se connaitre comme il faut pis que je t’ai connu d’une mauvaise façon, mais aujourd’hui je comprend plus que jamais qu’est-ce que tu ressentais et comment est-ce que tu as réagis face à ce que tu vivais. C’était pas la meilleur solution pour nous mais c’était peut-être la meilleure que tu voyais à ce moment. J’ai rien pu faire, j’étais trop innocent et j’ai vu venir mais j’ai rien fait parce que j’étais qu’un enfant qui voulais arrêter de voir sa mère pleurer. Aujourd’hui je me rend compte à quel point j’étais dans l’erreur et â quel point je donnerais tout pour te parler encore une fois et te connaitre. Je sais que j’étais le pire des cons avec toi que tu croyais tout de même en moi fréro, et je t’en suis éternellement reconnaissant. Sache que ce soir je t’en fais la promesse, je vais me rendre loin, plus loin que jamais tu l’aurais espérer de moi et ce, pour toi, parce que je pense que quelque part tu es encore la, tu es encore en train de nous protéger. C’est drole comment même en étant non croyant dans nos moments difficiles on se retourne vers nos croyances. J’imagine que présentement je me retourne vers toi. Parce que je crois au plus profondément que tu m’as été le plus grand des professeur, plus grand que tout les professeurs que je vais jamais rencontrer, tu es celui qui m’a appris la vie.

My Twin

I miss you so much. It’s been 11 months since you died and I feel like you took a piece of me with you. It wasn’t supposed happen. You were supposed to have a life. 23 years isn’t enough. I know the river runs into the ocean, but I don’t want to be stuck in the Rapids anymore.

I love you so much brother.
-your twin

A month later

Hi Azizam,
It’s been more than a month later and I almost wish time didn’t move on. I wish I wasn’t so far from you and away from your soul. I miss you incredibly. Your beautiful life was too short and I get angry about that. I wish life wasn’t so unfair. I don’t know why these things happen to such innocent, kind people. You are the light of my life. Omram. You truly are and will remain to be forever. I miss your sweet voice and kind words of encouragement to me. I wish I could’ve been there for you more in the last few months. I should have flown down every weekend to be with you. I don’t know why I didn’t. I should have just quit my job and moved down. I was going to when I got the call that morning. I said, this is it, I need to be by my brother and nothing can stop me. I was too late. The pain was too much. I wanted to take away every pain you ever felt. I was supposed to be the first to go, not you. You are younger than me. You deserved this life more than anyone I know. It still hurts the same Azizam. I feel emptiness wherever I go. It will never change, I am a different me without you. I have to be. You are my light. My light feels dimmed. I wish for more signs that you can send to me. I know you were in pain, but I never thought this. I never wished this. I miss you and care about you even more, the pain increases, but then more love is filled with your thoughts, memories, things you liked… Stay close to me wherever I go. I hope to see you soon Azizam and play like we used to. Love you forever and ever.
Your Best friend,

My Dear Big Brother

Last month, December 15th… you left us. We will never be the same, life has changed as we know it. And the reality, is a devastating one.
You were the anchor, the beginning of our brood of 6 kids. You built us up, encouraged us, ensured that we knew you were always there… even when you were in so much pain. I miss you, so very much. I don’t have the words. In my 28 years of life… I NEVER thought I’d say goodbye to a sibling. A piece of my heart.
Mom and dad are crushed. Dad questions everything you said to him those few days before… he holds every word, locked in his mind. As I was making your memorial slideshow… I tried to hide the photos so mom wouldn’t see. She stared at your baby pictures with such sadness, she holds every chapter of your life in her heart. I can’t look them in the eyes, the pain there is too hard to bare.
You helped mom and dad raise us siblings. You’re the reason I am the person I am, you shaped so many aspects of my life by just being my big brother. I miss your giant hugs, our long talks, the way you’d jam out to your favourite tunes, your stories from your travels, our movie nights, your goofiness and teasing, your brooding laugh, your cheek smooches, your support, your loving gentle heart, your nicknames for each of us.
You left behind two baby girls, and a young wife. We promise to all pull together, we will surround our sister-in-law and nieces with love and support. Your girls will know you… we will make sure they do. From comic books to punk music, they’ll know about their papa and how much he loved them.
Before you passed, you asked me to be the godmother to the girls… an honour I’ll now cherish even more. Forever. Thank-you for that.
Each day gets harder, reality hasn’t set in. I feel lost, I feel so weak just going through the motions. I stare at the hustle and bustle of life around me, wondering why strangers aren’t stopping what their doing. Because my brother’s gone, and life shouldn’t move on.
As I try to sleep at night, our last conversation, last text, last hug… runs through my mind over and over. I miss you. I’m sorry I didn’t check on you… I’m sorry you were in so much pain. The loss of you, has been felt by so many. You took care of so many, you were loved by so many. I hope you know that.
I love you so very much, and always will.
Your sister, MF

Sissy Poo

My sweet Sissy Poo, It’s been one month since the worst day of my life. The shock and horror of hearing that you were gone still plays in my mind over and over. I wanted to be with you right away! I wanted to talk to you and hug you. Even though you struggled most of your life with suicidal thoughts, I still can’t believe you did it. Even though I knew you thought about it, and even tried before, I’m still shocked you are gone. My only comfort right now is knowing you are finally at peace. I drive myself crazy thinking about what I could have done differently.  Could I have done anything?  Did I fail you?  You know how much I love you, and I know you love me too. I see where you left the note on your fridge that I left you last time I was home. You are so loved and so missed by all of us. I feel you all of the time.  Keep sending me little messages that you are ok and here with me.  Today I saw a turtle and I know that was a sign.  Keep visiting me in my dreams my sweet sissy poo! I love you so much.

My Dearest Ryan

My dearest Ryan,
I never thought I would have to live without you so early in my life. Remembering everything you are and everything you have ever done brings me such joy. You are the most selfless, kind-hearted, patient, friendly, beautiful soul I have met and I am so grateful to have had you in my life. You are a light of wonder to me, always curious about art, culture, architecture, or the environment around you. As a versatile multimedia artist, you loved looking at your art from every angle and always said things like, “My art is never finished”. You had perseverance and courage to do things differently and always strived to become better. Not only did you love art, but you loved people. You personally challenged me to live life simply and not waste a day doing things I wasn’t passionate about.
Our friendship and love is everything to me. You and I both know that growing up with divorced parents isn’t the easiest, but you were my partner through it all and we were always there to support each other. The love and friendship we have is like: making it to the beach just in time to watch the sunset—magical. Our adventures, our laughs, our jokes, all magical. Our love for each other is something people may never see in a lifetime, and for that I am so grateful.
It breaks my heart when I realize we won’t be able to get a milkshake together for a while, but I know I will be reunited with that gorgeous smile someday. Thank you for showing me that life is meant to be lived passionately. I will miss you with all my heart and love you with every ounce of my being.
Your best friend,

I miss you indefinitely

Dear Shane, I miss you immeasurably. Its been 13 of the longest yet shortest months of my life. You were my big brother, my first best friend. I don’t understand how I can simply adjust to a life without you, when its not one  I’ve ever known.
There was so much left for you to experience, you where much too young. And yet, I understand the pain you were in. I get so, so angry at your choice, that you left me and mum to bare your consequences. But, I know you’re home, safe and happy now. No tears in Heaven.
Give Daddy a hug for me.
I miss you indefinitely.