My baby sister Alexandra hung herself on the back step of my childhood home 2 years and 4 months ago. She was 29. She is greatly missed. She was pregnant at the time. She went through so much physical and mental pain in her life, she was in a abusive, violent relationship at the time of her death.
I feel like the first year afterwards i was in a daze and i am only starting to come to terms with what happened. I understand and i accept why you did what you did; that doesn’t mean that it doesn’t hurt. You did not want to be in, or bring someone else into, such an intensely miserable existence filled with hard drugs and a emotionally and physically abusive partner who refused to leave.
I have a swirling sea of emotions:
Grief: i miss my sister.
Guilt: i was very hard on her in the last few years of her life, pushing her to get a job and move out of the parents house and become more self-sufficient. i know my actions were (for the most part) taken for the greater good and with her best interests at heart; that does not mean that the words in your suicide note do not hurt. I could have done so much more; visited you, not judged you, not have my eyes glaze over when you spoke to me.
Anger: her partner of the time encouraged her to commit suicide like it was some type of notch on his belt, pawned her possessions as the family grieved the morning after her death.
What i find hardest to deal with is the methodical way you went about taking your life, you had a day by day countdown in your phone, you would casually remark that you would never have a 30th birthday. You have to be in an obscenely dark place to behave in this manner. Occasionally i have my own thoughts of self-harm when life gets stressful; this is not something that i would ever do as i have seen the carnage that this type of act inflicts on a family.
I have dulled my emotions by abusing marijuana on weekends and on holidays, however there is only so much of this i can do. i think i am ready to stop doing this and attempt to ‘involve’ myself more in life and stop sabotaging my own relationships. sorry if this is a jumble of words. I hope this helps someone.
I don’t know why i’m typing this other than to vent and hopefully process these feelings. Sorry if my spelling is horrible. I remember the day i found out you left us. Leading up to that point mom just moved to portland to be closer to you. i had a sense that you were struggling but not sure about what. fast forward to helping unload the trailer and having to drop you off. i remember you showing me this hispanic restaurant. it was one of your friends 21st birthday party that day and i figure i’d buy y’all your first round. That was the last time i saw you. the last thing i said to you was be safe like i always do, not knowing that was going to be the last time i spoke to you. I found out that you were missing and didn’t know what to do and then i got the news after work. i was still homeless at the time. i had just entered the shelter and opened fb and saw that you have left us. I didn’t know what to do. i yelled i screamed and i cried. Later on was your funeral. i sat in the back because i felt i had to be the strong one for mom and others like i have been in the past. i left shortly after the ceremony and broke down. Even tho we were not related by blood, i feel we still had that brotherly connection. Everyday i think about you and wish that we could have had better times. you were such a talented person that would have gone far. when you spoke people listened, even as the older brother i still looked up to you. in ways you were stronger than me as much as i’d hate to admit it. One thing that helps me when i think about you is the song that one day i will get tatted on my skin. Here’s to 2017 and hopefully a better year…
Your mental illness was a great strain to our family. It was not your fault. We have such a hard time with the mental health system, though. They let you be free to make your own deluded decisions. What ridiculous laws we have. I look at your photo and see someone gentle and quiet and respectful. And then I know the monster you became through some strange biochemical imbalance. This illness destroyed you, and caused you to try to destroy others via your imbalanced thinking. Ultimately it caused you to take your life. Was it deliberate, an attempt to cease all your troubling thoughts? Or was it fear….fear of your food being contaminated, fear of leaving your room, fear of leaving your home? Ultimately, I know you suffered greatly and for this I feel so so sad. Should I have come to you and said”take your pills, I take mine?” I feel so sad for our dad, who wanted to help you so very much. He keeps thinking of all the ways you could have been helped, if only we had known what dire straights you were in. But you cut us out. You thought we were the enemy. But we loved you. Your delusions were the enemy. You became such a bad mom since you were so afraid of strange things. yet Evelyn is so lovely. May she recover entirely from your extreme bad parenting (after such good parenting previously). I don’t know where you are now. You never claimed allegiance to Christ. So, are you burning in a hell that is worse than what you experienced here on earth, or are you in a more peaceful place, rescued by our God who always rescues those, like children, who cannot make a clear choice for him? I really really hope that Our Jesus has been merciful to you, one who claimed to reject him in earlier years.
It’s been four months since you left, and I keep wondering what I could have done differently. I don’t know how to be there for mom or dad. How could I? I wasn’t there for you, I didn’t know you wanted to die. I’m your little sister, you were supposed to call me when things weren’t okay. You were my best friend, but now you’re gone. And my world is crumbling around me. Please, please tell me what I do now. How do I go on and hold my family together? In what world do I continue breathing after you’ve already ceased. I love you I miss you Merry Christmas bubba.
It’s been 18 months since you left
And life has no purpose .
Why Vince how did I not pick up on this
And why did we argue that morning do you know how it feels that my last words to you alive were angry .
Please understand I didn’t mean the things I said and I would never turn my back on you I was just angry .
Mum and dad are doing OK dad visits your grave often mum can’t .
I haven’t been to the tree recently I put your birthday card on your grave this year and I promise I’ll get there before Christmas I’ll put your Christmas present there .
Vince my heart hurts and I really need you .you promised you wouldn’t leave you left so many broken people behind if only you could of understood how loved and needed you were .
Anyway love you to the moon and back
Kym ( your rather angry big sister )
Monday I got the call they had found you by a lake. I was and am lost. One week before we had talked about things we looked forward to, and the childhood hardships but how we always had each other. You called me your protector as a child. I wish you had let me do that now. I love you so much and am so proud of the kind, caring and religious man you became. We both found our healing in charity and have always been the best of friends. You and I talked about an upcoming visits and your plans to get married. You will always be my dear baby brother the child I helped raise like a son and the man I am so proud of.
My dear baby brother how could you leave now? After all we have been through in our lifetime. I would have done anything to help and comfort you. I am lucky I got to tell you how much I loved you BUT I want you back. I am not ready to let you go. I can’t express the pain I feel losing you and don’t understand why.
We laid my brother down to rest today. I am 56 and my sister is 49 with my brother being the middle child at 53.I keep going over and over the last couple of weeks looking for something that I missed. He had called me Monday week about the A.C unit he as getting for me and was going to help us install. I knew that he was having a run of “bad luck” but I never once thought he was so tired of fighting. He could aggravate the mess out of me but I would love to have him aggravate me for one more day. I love you Jeff,until we meet again.
Subject: To Steve, my brother and friend
It has been 2 months today since I lost my brother. He took his life without anyone knowing he was in such a dark place. I have read on here that in time life returns to some kind of norm, and also read it will suck forever. I pray that it does get better as I have 3 kids and a wife that count on me to live a life that won’t see me constantly depressed about this. I wrote a poem that helped me to cope for now and I worry I may never feel good again. Like so many others here is the unanswered questions I face and just the permanence of it that hurts so much. I pray now for everyone who has had to deal with these sad emotions. I also pray we all see or loved ones again some day.
To mention your pooch Steve I know you loved him so much
Now I will say this as they won’t post my words.
But maybe it’s better for it to be heard.
This is to my beloved younger brother Steve.
Your number’s been called so now you must leave.
Our time on this earth, it’s gone by way too fast.
The emptiness we all feel
is something so vast.
So many words to tell you now all left unsaid.
I should’ve spent more time with you Bro,
now regrets fill my head.
A better friend to you I’d wished I’d been.
You’ve now opened my eyes to my selfishness within.
You’d speak only good things about the people you knew.
And save all the bad words for yourself, how that’s true.
You and I’d never fight, I couldn’t think of one time.
In fact, to me, you were never unkind.
So I heard you’re the favored uncle, but that don’t make me mad.
I hope that you knew that if not now you have.
It’s not just us folk who are feeling for you.
But your poor Lucky dog is feeling blue too.
It is you I say Steve, that was truly great.
You would say “No bro”
But I’d say “damn straight”
Your time at Ball Corp did really stand out.
You had mad Cad skills my brother of that there’s no doubt.
Mechanical design challenges you would always embrace.
The fine work you’ve done still flies out in space.
How proud you were of your accomplishments there too.
NPP, OMPS, and Deep Impact to name but a few.
I just found out from dad, you were an inventor as well.
Humble you were, for you didn’t tell.
Or maybe you would’ve but I just wasn’t there.
Please know now Steve I really did care.
Then illness set in and took you right down.
Bad times were ahead, it made us all frown.
How tragic it is and will always be.
For your full potential that we’d never see.
Heart breaking it was to see you in pain.
You took it in stride and rarely complained.
So sad that it was, to see your hurt grow.
You suffered so much but how much we don’t know.
You were truly blest, to have Carol and Jack.
They were there for you Bro and that Loves not an act.
You fought your way up from your struggles endured.
Your parents played a big part of that is for sure.
Remarkable it was to pull yourself back.
From the hand you were dealt from a very bad stack.
It shows a great strength
As we saw you rebound.
It warmed all our hearts to see you up and around.
It makes it that much harder to see it all end.
You were my brother, Bro! but also my friend.
And I let you down and I know that I did.
It’s for me now Steve that I hope you forgive.
Our hearts are all broken and in need of repair.
But it will take some time as we feel much despair.
My kids haven’t seen me in tears so they say,
Now for awhile they’ll see it each day.
Our family so loved you but no time for good byes.
You now know that’s true, to see how we’ve cried.
I’ll tell you now I’m forever changed.
For life here without you just won’t be the same.
I’m rambling here cause I’m up very late.
For since you have left us our sleeps not been great.
I believe now that you’re in Heaven above.
And I’m sure in due time our pain is just love.
I said some bad words so I had to edit it.
But now that I voice this,
This is fucked up sad shit!
I’m sorry! So sorry but those words really fit.
Now they’ve been said and
I know that you’d smile.
If that’s the case then it makes it worthwhile.
I’ll say this too, Steve does not want us sad.
Celebrate his good times instead, of that he’d be glad.
It took me too long to write you a rhyme.
It may be because I’d thought I’d more time.
But then you were gone.
It’s so hard to believe.
Now you’ve left earth,
and it’s Heaven that’s received.
Such a great person, and so very nice.
And to anyone who hears this then here’s my advice.
Take time to tell loved ones how much that they mean.
As you never know when fate intervenes.
I didn’t for Steve.
Cause I dragged my feet.
So now I so grieve and feel incomplete.
If I’d only told him what he’d meant to me.
Then may be he’d a realized how special he be.
For you were gentle , and so very kind.
I wish I was more like you,
That’s been on my mind.
I think that I’ll change and be kinder to others.
And be a better person because of you brother.
I’ll end this here soon and leave you in peace.
Now you know how I feel so I feel some relief.
God wants you now so we’ll stand aside.
He really knows best so we’ll just have to abide.
I pray for you Stephen that you Rest In Peace.
I feel assured now that Gods Angels numbers increased.
You have gone first but we’ll all go there too.
We’ll all be together when our lives’ are through.
But that’s not really the end when we all depart.
But only the beginning
It’s paradise that will start.
And with that I’ll just say…
“Stephen, We’ll all see you again one day”
Love to you always
My Brother, my friend!
Subject: Remembering Lee and Luke
Tomorrow 12/12 marks my brother Lee’s suicide, although it was ruled accidental. Prior I lost my other brother Luke in a car accident ruled as a suicide. While it has been 16 years without Luke and 6 without Lee that isn’t the hardest. The hardest is being the sole survivor of the trio of us. I was the one who was always suicidal and in and out of the hospital. In fact when I first learned of Luke’s death in 2000 I said something like it is supposed to be me and something about him even dying on the cliff I intended to jump from. I am only recently starting to grieve. I have been in denial for all this time. It has been very difficult lately. It is just me and my 3 teens. When they move on I will be alone (I do not get along with my parents anymore). I am feeling this more and more everyday.It’s crushing me!
My day turned upside down on the 12th of November. My sister was found hung in a park nearby – we knew she had some problems but clearly there were a lot more to it than this – which was brought to our attention after her death. Me and my sister were very close – I’m not angry for what she did – I just wish I went with my gut feeling more and went to see her when she invited me down to visit. Her service was on Friday and I just find myself wanting to be in my own space. I’m angry I’m the only child and never want to be treated like one – I’m angry because the demon chose my sister and made her feel it was the last resort. Is it unusual to want your own space?