I feel like a robot

It’s a been a month since my brother committed suicide. I feel like I’m not here anymore. I spend all day thinking of him and blaming myself. I’ve always been the rock in my family so I try to stay strong for my parents and younger brother. I honestly feel dead inside though. I’m ashamed to say that my little one will be born soon and I feel no joy. I know I’ll love him he’s going to be given his uncles name but I’m going to be sad that he’ll never get to meet his fun loving uncle Matt.

Ez

Two years today we had your funeral ez. I know you were there then and you’re here now. The ice cream van was a nice touch today. I swear all the signs you send me keep me going. I can’t say that the void feels any less than the day we buried you, but I’d like to think I’m much more focused on self preservation and care now, much more aware of the present and understanding of the paths we must lead – You sweetened me up with the ice cream so I might be talking s***. I miss you, not a day goes by without me thinking of your smile. You send stale jokes into my head whenever I’m having a hard moment in my daily life – when I remember you’re not here anymore. In those moments I truly feel my loss of you. I wish I could talk to you about my plans, my aspirations, my love life, things that are going on in the world, how beautiful the cherry tree looks or show you a band I’m into. I know you’re here, but it’s hard because I miss your voice, your jokes, your laugh, your mind, your opinion. I hope everyday that you come into my dreams. I just want to hug you and tell you we miss you. It still doesn’t feel real that it’s been two years. It doesn’t seem possible; the longest time we ever went without seeing each other was under two months. I can’t believe over two years have passed without seeing you. I hope you see the woman I’m becoming, I hope you understand I’m not just doing it for myself, I’m doing it for you. In memory of you, my beautiful big brother. Love you best in the world, beyond this world and into the next lifetime, e

My Sister

I just found this website and had no idea how many people this happens to. I’m 15 and my older sister passed away from suicide 2 months ago. It hurts everyday, I lost my best friend. I can’t go a single day without thinking about her. I missed a month of school when it happened, and I want to be able to think of my sister positively. Instead of feeling sad every time.

Does time really heal the pain ?

It’s been 3 and half year since my younger brother took his own life when he was at the age of 17. I was only 23. The pain was unbearable. He hung himself in his room and the first one to know about this was my mother. I would never forget how my mom came downstairs crying and talking insane. The pain was totally unbearable to my family and now I was the only child remaining. I never worried about mom and dad as my younger brother was very smart with studies and more mature comparing to me but now we don’t have him anymore. For the first 3 months I was very angry, like how could you do this? Why would you leave me alone? Why didn’t you think about mom and dad? Why would you take your life? I needed the answers but as time passed by, now I am more – all this happened because of me. Somehow I feel I am to be blamed. I should have been there for him as a elder sister. I should have helped him when he was having his hard time. I should have showed how much he meant to me. People say time will heal everything but my heart will never heal it never will never. The heartache will never end, instead it will be much bigger by each passing day. I cry every night remembering you thinking about how it would be if only you were with us. I wish if we could have time machine so I could go back to the time and tell you how much you mean to me my little one. My only wish is I want you back . My grandfather died after 2 yrs of my brother’s death and somehow I think grandad passed away quickly because of his grandson’s death. And my burden gets added. Now I cry every night but I don’t let anyone know especially mom cause I can’t add her burden anymore. I am strong in front of everyone but no one knows I cry every night, wishing only if you were here with us. Only if. Now I know I would never heal and time never heals; instead it adds more burden, as the day you passed away is still fresh in my mind as it was yesterday. Only if I could tell you how much you meant to me my little one. I never open up with people as most of them are my new friends from new university so they don’t know about my brother. The main thing why I don’t share is because they didn’t know my brother and I don’t want my brother to be remembered as just a guy who hung himself. They will never understand how much he meant to me so I just don’t like sharing. I just sit alone by myself and remember all those good days with my brother and cry. Only if You could come back my little one only if. You have left a big hole in my heart which will never heal. How I cry every day thinking I am all alone as I can’t share my feelings to mom and dad because I don’t want to add their pain anymore. I can’t offer them anymore pain apart from happiness which we rarely have since you left. I miss you so much brother and I love you to death. You were the best brother and I will always love you no matter what.

Missing my big brother

Not far from 3 years since my big brother’s Suicide. Part of me wants to say he was 16 yrs old and I was 14 yrs old, because that’s where my heart feels we were, but fast forward 25 years… Tonight I’m focused on the Rascal Flatts song WHY, and the lyric “was there anything I could have said or done?” Oh how I was I would have done things differently, was there anything I could have said or done – maybe; guess we’ll never know! My brain tells me it’s not my fault but my heart will always wonder… rest easy big brother.

Our group…

After losing my youngest brother 4 months ago, my life has been in slow motion. I have had feelings that I never ever thought I would have, the only thing holding me together is my family that is very close to one another. This may sound odd – afterall, why would someone want to leave a loving family so violently & awful? Its left with an immense pain that feels like a broken heart that cannot be mended no matter what you do. Needless to say I am devastated! I was under the impression that I was the only person to feel this heartache and that no one could possibly understand how I felt. Depressed, confused, mad, sad beyond belief, anxious, lost, blame, lonely, devastated etc.etc. Unfortunately I was wrong. After reading daily, weekly, monthly posts on this site, I came to the realization that I was not alone. I was a part of this group “not by choice” that loves as hard as I do and hurts as bad as I do – feeling the way I was and understanding the unbearable pain I am going through! I embraced it with all my heart, thanks to this group, I have hope that together we will find a way to smile again and that there is hope even though it seems far away. If I had one wish, I would somehow try to make two wishes into one. I would wish to see my brother one more time so I could reiterate my love for him, hug & hold him, caress his face and most importantly let him know that I am proud to be his sister. The combined wish would be that every person thinking of suicide read all the posts on this site so they can realize the aftermath and massive impact this decision has on the people who love them and would do anything to save their life. Suicide ruins the lives of the people left behind! We are living proof… God bless you all.

5 years 1 week

I looked up to you. You were my only “full” sister. My only true sibling. We did everything together since I was born. You practically raised me being 10 years older. Nothing will ever be the same. I tried to find Happy and healthy since you couldn’t. I’m losing the battle too Trish. It’s not fair that you get to just give up and I have to stay here and deal. You were the smart one. You had the life skills to survive. I kept it together for my kids because I had to be a better influence then you. I still only keep it together for them. You have traumatized us all. We all tried to make you happy. You had it all. You were so smart. I know losing all your material things, job, boyfriend are heartbreaking things but you rebuild. You turned into an alcoholic and you just gave up. Why did you have to dwell so badly in your pain?? Why couldn’t you let it make you stronger. You told me you were going to get the phoenix rising tattoo. You told me you would never try to kill yourself ever again. You told me you would never put me through that again. I knew you were lying.

You went crazy. You were so drunk you called the cops. You kept trying to run down the street into traffic. I was happy she called the cops. The cops asked what I wanted and I said I just want her to go to bed. The cops asked her if that sounded ok and she said yes. That was it. We didn’t know she had a whole bottle of morphine hiding that she took from an expired patient of hers. She fell asleep forever and it will always be because I asked her to. I’ve never really had anyone to talk to about it. I had to move on quick and be a role model for my kids who she left beyond confused for a 7 and 10 year old. I thought it would get easier. I thought if I dove into finding happy and healthy that it would be ok eventually. I really did think I found it at some point, but I think I fell off the path because happiness is getting harder and harder to find again and I can’t stop thinking of you. You were my best friend when I had no friends. Thank you again for everything growing up. You spoiled me. It’s so hard going on without you. It’s almost Easter. Nobody else understands when I say happy easter and then make the Cadbury bunny chick noise. Bock bock ba gauck. Nobody hardly understands any of our inside jokes. I have no friends. You just really suck. Sorry whoever reads this. I’m pretty lost.

To me dear brother Austin (SiblingSurvivors Letters)

Dear Austin,
I miss you so much more than any word could ever describe. When you were alive you were my best friend. You were always there for me and always put up with me. I miss us texting each other “yo” or “yo wanna jump” when we wanted to go out onto the trampoline, and when i would run into your room and jump on your bed and say “Can I play GTA” as fast as I could for some reason. Or when we would go onto the trail and look for a place to make a cool fort. Or when you taught me how to do cool tricks on the trampoline. I wish you could come back more than anything. If I could only have one wish in the entire world, it would be to bring you back. I know you don’t want to live but you could get help. You could get your life together again and get a job and we could start that dog business you always wanted to start. I just want you back. I know I didn’t say this that much when you were alive, but I love you. More than anything else in the world. I never thought I would go through this much pain at just 13 years old. I never thought I would have to go to my own brother’s funeral so early on in life and see him… dead. The pain I endure is unbearable. I see a therapist now and she makes thing a bit better but I will forever have a broken heart. There will always be an empty space in my heart where you should be. There is not a single day that has past where I have ‘t thought about you. I just want to see you one more time, hug you one more time, say I love you one more time. If only I could just see you one last time so i could at least say goodbye. Even if it was just for a minute. I also have so many questions for you. Like: Why did you do it on the fourth of July? Why dodn’t you write a note explaining exactly why you did it? Or did you write one? If you did, did it get lost? Why were you listening to Faded by Zhu when you did it? Why did you do it where you did it? Are you in Heaven, or Hell? Will I ever see you again? I want the answers so bad but I know I will never get them because you are gone. Most days these days I just feel numb. I almost can’t even comprehend how much I miss you and I feel fine because I am numb so much. Though once every little bit it will all come rushing back and I can’t do anything but cry. I feel so much guilt. I am sorry for what I did. You told me that you attenpted suicide and wanted to commit and when mom and dad came home you asked if I was going to tell Dad and I shook my head no, walked upstairs to my room, and cried. God I wish I could at least just go back to that day and not have said no. I wish I could fix that mistake and instead ran outside to the car and told them everything. Instead I was a coward and said nothing. I am just a depressed little piece of shit. I don’t deserve a brother like you anyway. I feel so bad for what I did. Or didn’t do really. I truly am deeply sorry. Around the time you did it, I had a dream that you were in your room at the end of your room. I remember you laying on the ground, dead. You had killed yourself with a gun which is how you did it in real life. To this day I ponder and ponder how I could have dreamt a dream like that at such a convenient time. I just wish you would have gave life one more chance. Life is so hard without you. I could always go to you to complain about our “insane” family because you were the only one who understood me but now I can’t. The whole family is just completely falling about and we are always at each others throats anymore without you. You have to come back we need you. Michelle and James moved in to our house and life is more stressful than ever. I am extremely upset because they took your room which was supposed to be my place to smell your ever so distinct smell and think and talk to you. Now it’s gone and now it is their room with their smell that I can never go into. The kids are very stressful and they don’t do a good job of watching them and my whole life is upside down between you and them. I got diagnosed with an Adjustment Disorder and Uncomplicated Bereavement and it’s tough. My birthday is coming up soon. Just a couple of weeks. You aren’t going to be there, though. I won’t ever be able to escape my birthday parties and just go down stairs and play “Rome” with you instead, or any party. The Fourth of July will forever be ruined for me and I can’t stand the sound of Fireworks now because I just think and invision you standing by the side of the road on the sidewalk shooting yourself. It’s terrible. One day I will graduate and go to college, you won’t be there for me then either. One day I will go and meet the love of my life then get married, you won’t be there for me then either. One day I will move into my first apartment then someday my first house. You won’t be able to be there to celebrate with me though. One day I will have kids, but they will never be able to meet their amazing uncle and you will never be able to help me raise them. I just miss you so, so much. I want to be with you but I can’t leave the family too. Mom cries almost every single night now and constantly says shes wants to be with you. I hear her sobs every night. She misses you a ton like everyone else. She also feels guilty for seperating you from Abby. She feels terrible. Michelle had another baby. His name is Oliver Rue Santos and by God he is by far the most perfect and cutest baby I have ever seen in my life. It’s just way too bad he will never meet you. Michael and Brittni got a new house. It’s in Terrace Park and it is so big. There’s also some woods and a creek behind it. I know you and I would both love to go their when we visit them and explore and have fun. They also had baby twins. One is a baby boy names George Joseph O’Connor, the other is a girl. Her name is Harper June O’Connor. They were born a couple months too early, though, and might possibly die. If they do, please take care of them if you are in Heaven. They are the sweetest little things. Anyways, I love you so, SO much and miss you. I hope when I eventually die I will be able to reunite with you, my dear brother.
Love, Alison

What I Learned from My Brother’s Suicide (SiblingsSurvivors Guest Post)

Two years and 10 months ago, my brother killed himself.
He was 23 years old.
He had his whole life ahead of him.
And it was all over in an instant.
To be exact, I have not seen my brother in 1,041 days.
And in those 1,041 days, I have had a lot of time to think.
To think about the night “it” happened, and the moment I found out.
The moment that changed my life forever.
To think about all those years leading up to that moment.
And what I could’ve done differently.
I’ve replayed that night over and over again in my mind.
“Zachary took one of my guns and killed himself.”
My whole world spun.
I collapsed to the hard concrete.
Instantly my body was filled with a fierce cold.
Even though it was a painfully hot southern summer night.
It was the moment that altered my life forever.
And from that moment I have learned many lessons, three of which I will share with you today.
Lesson #1: Life is worth living.
I don’t care who you are or where you have been or what you’ve done, life is worth living. I don’t care how depressed you are, suicide is not the answer.There is always a reason to hold on. There is always a reason to keep fighting.
If you are someone who has considered suicide or see it as a viable option, you have to understand that your decision will affect people more than you realize.Even if you truly believe that no one will care, no one will miss you, or people would be happier if you were gone — You. Are. Wrong.
I guarantee you. If you think I am flat out wrong, I encourage you to open up to someone in your life and tell them that you are considering suicide. Allow at least one person into your pain, into the darkest confines of your mind, and perhaps you will feel less alone and perhaps that person will help you understand why you need to stay.
And if you don’t feel like you have anyone in your life who you can go to (which I highly doubt), there are amazing resources out there to support you in this pain. The National Suicide Prevention Lifeline is available 24 hours a day, 7 days a week: 1–800–273–8255.
Lesson #2: You are not alone in your pain.
The biggest lie depression will tell you is that you are alone.
This is incredibly false.
Everyone has something. The more you get to know people, the more you realize that everyone is struggling to survive in some capacity. Maybe you too have lost a loved one. Maybe you lost your job and are struggling financially. Maybe you lost a friendship or a romantic relationship. Maybe you struggle with chronic depression, social anxiety, insecurity, loneliness, etc.
I can guarantee you that whatever you’re going through, no matter how specific or how highly personal the situation may be, there is at least one other person out there in the world who knows what you are feeling, who has experienced what you have experienced, and who is willing to help you get to the other side.
I’ve always heard that life has a tendency to repeat itself, and the older I get, the more I realize how true this is. If life just keeps repeating itself, and if there are people out there who have faced what we have faced, why don’t we leverage the wisdom of those people?
Buy a self-help book, listen to a podcast, see a therapist — I don’t care what you do. Just do something. Just start somewhere. Better yet, start now.
Find a way to leverage the wisdom of those who have gone before you, those who have already known the pain of what you’re experiencing and can save you days, months, and years of more pain by guiding you through whatever you are going through.
Lesson #3: Gratitude is the only path to happiness.
Happiness does not lead to gratitude.
Gratitude leads to happiness.
We can focus on the fact that we lost my brother after 23 short years, or we can make the decision to be grateful for the 23 years he gave us.
You can focus on the relationship that suddenly came to an end, or you can focus on what you learned from that relationship and how it changed you for the better.
You can focus on the job that you lost, or you can channel all of your frustration and energy into finding something else.
Everyday when you wake up in the morning, you have a choice.
You can focus on what’s going wrong in your life.
Or you can strive to seek the light.
You can allow yourself to be filled to the brim with negativity.
Or you can strive to seek the light.
I don’t care who you are, you have a reason to be grateful.
Even if it’s only, “I am grateful for two eyes to see the world around me” —
That’s still something.
Life is worth living. You are not alone in your pain. And gratitude is the only path to happiness.
If you don’t know where to begin, start with those three simple concepts.
Keep repeating these phrases to yourself, even if you don’t believe them.
Life is worth living.
You are not alone in your pain.
And gratitude is the only path to true, lasting happiness.
If no one has told you this today, I am glad you are here.
I am happy you are alive.
You have a reason for being here.
A mission, a purpose.
And I hope you give yourself enough time on this planet to find that purpose.
Sincerely,
Someone Who Cares
Contact the author:
Haley Hoyle
hhoyle@alumni.nd.edu
medium.com/@hhoyle