Last month, December 15th… you left us. We will never be the same, life has changed as we know it. And the reality, is a devastating one.
You were the anchor, the beginning of our brood of 6 kids. You built us up, encouraged us, ensured that we knew you were always there… even when you were in so much pain. I miss you, so very much. I don’t have the words. In my 28 years of life… I NEVER thought I’d say goodbye to a sibling. A piece of my heart.
Mom and dad are crushed. Dad questions everything you said to him those few days before… he holds every word, locked in his mind. As I was making your memorial slideshow… I tried to hide the photos so mom wouldn’t see. She stared at your baby pictures with such sadness, she holds every chapter of your life in her heart. I can’t look them in the eyes, the pain there is too hard to bare.
You helped mom and dad raise us siblings. You’re the reason I am the person I am, you shaped so many aspects of my life by just being my big brother. I miss your giant hugs, our long talks, the way you’d jam out to your favourite tunes, your stories from your travels, our movie nights, your goofiness and teasing, your brooding laugh, your cheek smooches, your support, your loving gentle heart, your nicknames for each of us.
You left behind two baby girls, and a young wife. We promise to all pull together, we will surround our sister-in-law and nieces with love and support. Your girls will know you… we will make sure they do. From comic books to punk music, they’ll know about their papa and how much he loved them.
Before you passed, you asked me to be the godmother to the girls… an honour I’ll now cherish even more. Forever. Thank-you for that.
Each day gets harder, reality hasn’t set in. I feel lost, I feel so weak just going through the motions. I stare at the hustle and bustle of life around me, wondering why strangers aren’t stopping what their doing. Because my brother’s gone, and life shouldn’t move on.
As I try to sleep at night, our last conversation, last text, last hug… runs through my mind over and over. I miss you. I’m sorry I didn’t check on you… I’m sorry you were in so much pain. The loss of you, has been felt by so many. You took care of so many, you were loved by so many. I hope you know that.
I love you so very much, and always will.
Your sister, MF

My sweet Sissy Poo, It’s been one month since the worst day of my life. The shock and horror of hearing that you were gone still plays in my mind over and over. I wanted to be with you right away! I wanted to talk to you and hug you. Even though you struggled most of your life with suicidal thoughts, I still can’t believe you did it. Even though I knew you thought about it, and even tried before, I’m still shocked you are gone. My only comfort right now is knowing you are finally at peace. I drive myself crazy thinking about what I could have done differently.  Could I have done anything?  Did I fail you?  You know how much I love you, and I know you love me too. I see where you left the note on your fridge that I left you last time I was home. You are so loved and so missed by all of us. I feel you all of the time.  Keep sending me little messages that you are ok and here with me.  Today I saw a turtle and I know that was a sign.  Keep visiting me in my dreams my sweet sissy poo! I love you so much.

My dearest Ryan,
I never thought I would have to live without you so early in my life. Remembering everything you are and everything you have ever done brings me such joy. You are the most selfless, kind-hearted, patient, friendly, beautiful soul I have met and I am so grateful to have had you in my life. You are a light of wonder to me, always curious about art, culture, architecture, or the environment around you. As a versatile multimedia artist, you loved looking at your art from every angle and always said things like, “My art is never finished”. You had perseverance and courage to do things differently and always strived to become better. Not only did you love art, but you loved people. You personally challenged me to live life simply and not waste a day doing things I wasn’t passionate about.
Our friendship and love is everything to me. You and I both know that growing up with divorced parents isn’t the easiest, but you were my partner through it all and we were always there to support each other. The love and friendship we have is like: making it to the beach just in time to watch the sunset—magical. Our adventures, our laughs, our jokes, all magical. Our love for each other is something people may never see in a lifetime, and for that I am so grateful.
It breaks my heart when I realize we won’t be able to get a milkshake together for a while, but I know I will be reunited with that gorgeous smile someday. Thank you for showing me that life is meant to be lived passionately. I will miss you with all my heart and love you with every ounce of my being.
Your best friend,
Natasha

Dear Shane, I miss you immeasurably. Its been 13 of the longest yet shortest months of my life. You were my big brother, my first best friend. I don’t understand how I can simply adjust to a life without you, when its not one  I’ve ever known.
There was so much left for you to experience, you where much too young. And yet, I understand the pain you were in. I get so, so angry at your choice, that you left me and mum to bare your consequences. But, I know you’re home, safe and happy now. No tears in Heaven.
Give Daddy a hug for me.
I miss you indefinitely.

After nearly 8 months of intransigent depression and 35 years of service in a (retired) healing profession, my brilliant shining star of a “baby sister” has ended her sense of worthlessness by ending her life. We will always fiercely love the free bird who had the courage to live fearlessly. I pray that her two children honor the memory of their mother by living as fearlessly as she did and by teaching their own children to do the same. May the Lord keep her in His Heart of Hearts — most secure, most beautiful, and most free. Amen.