Does anyone understand?

My younger brother took his own life 5 months ago this week. He died 4 days after his 20th birthday. He had been suffering from depression, anxiety, OCD, ADHD, autism and borderline personality disorder. As well as abuse from our father and his girlfriend leaving him for someone else.
Now it’s time to go back to university and i’m struggling everyday without him. People don’t understand. It’s hard to function. I miss him everyday. People say time heals wounds but it feels like its getting deeper and harder to go through each day.
I like to talk about him but then people get awkward and make me feel uncomfortable about it. Or if they do talk about him they say things like “he made his choice, that’s where he wants to be.” but i don’t agree. i think he wanted help, he did not realise what he was doing.
I’m trying to be brave for my mum and for my family but nothing seems to help.
I’m finding it so hard to relate to people and to find people to talk to. It’s something only a sibling of someone who has taken their own life can understand.
Does anyone understand?

Little big bruv

I feel stupid putting this up here cuz we all have a very similar story, so thank you for allowing me this space! My little brother was only 17 he took his life 25th Jan this year! He had been struggling with mental health issues for about six month and was being a little s*** stealing off me, getting chucked out of college, loads of really out of character stuff. He even told me in August he had a voice in his head telling him to do things he didn’t agree with and we both spoke about it and thought it was just his ego, but he was clearly really ill. I just fought with him and sat in the room next to him every day for 6 month obsessing over my own problems when my baby brother’s losing it in the next room. I hate my self for not giving him more attention and asking him what he needed to feel ok! I know it’s not my fault but my brain just keeps going there.

To my sister

I still can’t believe your gone I just block you out no pictures no nothing to remind me of you yet I searched for you on the internet just for 1 pic of u but found a radio recording of ur presenter days. it ripped my heart out. I f**** miss you. Linda why did u go? why didn’t I just f**** hold on for Mom? u know she was ur biggest fan. Bobby n Jacob wish u were here. I do. Bloodyhell I hope ur happy where u r. I really do xxxxx

JERI KENDALL CEASAR

HEY SISTER, I CANT BEGAN TO TELL WHO HOW MUCH YOU ARE SO DEARLY MISSED. FIRST AND FORMOST YOUR 4 BEAUTIFUL KIDS THAT MISSES YOU EVERY DAY. BETWEEN THEIR DAD, MOM AND MYSELF WE DO THE VERY BEST THAT WE CAN BUT NOTHING COMPARES TO YOU!! ALL 4 OF THEM HAVE A PART OF YOU THAT REMINDS US SO MUCH OF YOU. THAT MORNING YOU WERE TAKING FROM US WAS THE WORST DAY OF MY LIFE. I WANT YOU TO KNOW WHEN YOU THOUGHT I WAS YOUR ROCK, YOU WERE REALLY MINE!! I MISS YOU SOOOOOO MUCH AND WOULD DO ANYTHING TO HAVE YOU BACK..MOM AND DAD IS DEFINTLY NOT THE SAME AND MISS YOU SO MUCH!!
I SEE THE HURT IN YOUR HUSBAND EYES AS WELL, HE MISSES YOU TOO SO MUCH.. YOU WERE ROCK THAT KEPT EVERYTHING GOING FOR THEM. I STILL CAN’T LOOK AT YOUR PICTURES OR EVEN TALK ABOUT YOU BECAUSE I TEAR UP. YOU KNOW YOUR BUBBA BOY AND YOUR BIG GIRL RAEGAN MISS YOU SOO MUCH. BUBBA KNOWS THAT YOU ARE IN HEAVEN AND BLOWS YOU A KISS FROM TIME TO TIME. RAEGAN HOLDS HER TEARS BACK BUT SHE HURTS AS WELL. I HOPE WE ARE MAKING YOU PROUD DOWN HERE. LET IT BE KNOW I WILL FOREVER BE YOUR KEEPER, I WILL DO MY BEST TO ALWAYS KEEP BEING THERE FOR THE KIDS. LIFE IS JUST DEFINTELY NOT THE SAME WITHOUT YOU DOWN HERE WITH US. I KNOW AND FEEL THAT YOU ARE OK AND IN HEAVEN. NO MORE STRESS OR PAIN JUST EASY BREEZY SUNSHINE..
MY HEART IS DEFINTELY AT PEACE BECAUSE YOU KNOW IF I HAD IT YOU HAD IT AND I KNOW THE SAME WENT FOR YOU. SISTER I LOVE YOU SO VERY MUCH AND HOPE TO ONEDAY SEE YOU AGAIN. THIS LIFE WITHOUT YOU REALLY DOESNT FEEL REAL OR THE SAME. YOUR SISTER JAMIE HAS REALLY MET SOMEONE GREAT AND DEFINTLEY HAS MATURED HER FOR THE BETTER. SHE WILL BE GETTING MARRIED ON YOUR BIRTHDAY JULY 23, 2017 ON THE BEACH. I KNOW YOU WILL BE SMILING DOWN, I PRAY THAT SHE GETS PEACE IN HER HEART I CAN SEE THE HURT IN HER EYES SHE WOULD DO ANYTHING TO HAVE YOU BACK AGAIN AND HUG YOU AND SAY SORRY. SHE ALSO HELPS SEE ABOUT YOUR BABIES WHEN SHE COMES DOWN. YOU KNOW WE ALL HAVE YOUR HUSBAND(CHRIS) BACK. WHEN IT COMES TO THOSE KIDS WE WILL DEFINTELY DO WHAY WE CAN MYSELF, MOM, DAD, JAMIE, JOHN, APRIL AND FARRON. NO MATTER WHAT WE ARE FAMILY AND THATS WHAT FAMILY DOES. BY THE WAY TODAY IS RAEGAN BIRTHDAY SHE MADE 12… OUR BIG GIRL…
I KNOW MY LETTER IS LONG, BUT KEEP FLYING HIGH BABY GIRL. I FEEL YOU NEAR ME EVERYDAY I KNOW YOU ARE WALKING WITH AND NEAR ME.
I WILL KEEP LOVING YOU FOREVER, YOU TOOK A PIECE OF MY HEART WHEN YOU LEFT THIS EARTH…

My Big Sis x

I have a feeling I am a lot younger than most people on here, but why does that matter? Nomatter what age you are, going through this isn’t easy, in fact it’s so painfully difficult that it can cause severe strains on us living our lives. My big sister left us 5years ago now, but being an unknowledgable 9year old girl, I didn’t really understand what had really happened or comprehended that I would never see my lovely sister again. Now, I have, and I feel extreme levels of grief as if I just lost her. My mood swings are extremely intense, I’ll go from being sad to confused to angry to completely numb. It’s so so nice to know that there are people out there that get what I’m going through, because it’s not easy and often, I feel alone. I love you Chiara and I will never stop missing you <3

I miss you…

A week ago my brother took his own life. He and I, as well as our older sister, have always been close. We all lived together. Despite being close, ive learned so much about him in this Last week. His girlfriend shot herself when they were sixteen, but I thought that he had moved on. He had a fiancé that loves him, and a stepson that meant the world to him. He also had a very bad drinking problem. My brother in law told me that he came home one night and found my brother sitting on the couch with my pistol laying next to him. Jeff looked at our brother in law and said,”it would have been so easy.” I can’t help but feel like, if I had known, I could have stopped him from actually going through with it. What I’ll never understand is why he used my gun. Of all the other guns in the house, of all the other ways he could have done it, why my gun? This week without him has been the hardest time in my life, and I have no idea how I am supposed to go on without him. I love you so much jeff, I will miss you every day.

Losing 2 Sisters to suicide in 8 weeks

I have lost both my sisters to suicide in 8 weeks, my youngest 17th December 16 & my eldest 10th February 17. They died 8 weeks apart. I have been plunged into a world of darkness where i am suddenly an only child & where life as i know it has ended. The pain is indescribable & i have no idea how I can move forward, leave my parents & return to work. I miss them both so much & in different ways.

Bro

My younger brother, Jeff, decided to put an end to his struggling. March 10, 2014. You may wonder why, almost 3 years later, I decided to start grieving. Well…Right after he shot himself, I started a physical decline which included both hips being replaced and a 3 inch screw being put in my foot. With all that, came Norco. I almost think it was God’s way of numbing my pain.
I’m just about done with the ‘meds’ used to wean off Norco. So now I’m feeling everything. It’s like, “Holy $h*t” my brother’s gone.
We were bonded together through adict parents. Neither of us wanting to ‘deal’ with them. But we always had each other’s back. One way or another. I’ve never laughed as hard as I have with him. He could just get me rolling somehow. We even lived together after both moving out (or being kicked out) at different times. He was a different character for sure…
Praying for a moment of peace, where we remember them and the sibling love that was shared. It wouldn’t hurt this bad if the love wasn’t there. So feel that again, if only for a moment.
Thanks for this…

So lost right now (SiblingsSurvivors Guest Post)

I just learned last night that my brother killed himself. He was diagnosed with bipolar disorder about a year ago and was having a really hard time with it. I just saw him at Christmas, and he really seemed like he was doing okay. We talked and laughed a lot every day. I am just so heartbroken right now, I don’t know what to do. I keep thinking things would have been different if I just called him more, if I just tried a little harder. I can’t believe I’m never going to see him again or talk to him or hear his laugh. Does this ever get easier? I just hope he knew how much I loved him, and I hope he is finally at peace.