Petrified
Punishing
Permanent
Preventable
Peace
These words have come up time and time again since my brother’s death in October. I was petrified when my dad called me that night. Sometimes, I think my brother was also petrified to do it, sometimes I’m not so sure. His death is so punishing and painful everyone he left behind. My parents and my two brothers and I miss him so, so much. His death is so permanent. SO PERMANENT. I hate this word for what it represents. He is permanently gone, voided, his future wiped away forever. Every picture is a permanent reminder of how my heart aches for him. I wish I had spent more time with him, to show him that his death was preventable. He didn’t need to do it. He was so wonderful and so loved. There are other ways to solve problems, to stop the chronic pain. Finally, he is at peace, which, I am having a hard time accepting. It has been 104 days, and the pain is as heavy as it was on that one horrible day.

One thing I’ve learned from loss is that you don’t just lose your loved one. You lose the life you once had as well. I can’t unsee my poor lifeless big brother hanging from the patio, my dad’s distorted face when reality set in that he was gone. I can’t unhear my mom screaming or the AED machines as paramedics tried their hardest to bring him back. The flashbacks don’t happen as often anymore but they still hit me pretty often almost 2 years later. He didn’t know he was taking all of our lives. My dad has never been, nor will ever be the same. Our relationship has been strained due to issues with my brother’s ex girlfriend. My parents’ marriage is suffering and I’m caught in the middle of it. Bye left me to deal with the aftermath all alone. He was supposed to protect me. Our house is not the happy home it used to be. I miss my brother, I miss my parents, I miss my old life. I do my best most days to keep putting one foot in front of the other and I contribute to create as much positivity as possible but no matter what my future holds, I will always miss the way things used to be. My heart will never stop aching for it.

Paul, I can’t believe you did this to us. How could you choose to kill yourself the day after your son’s birthday? Why did you stop speaking to us? Our mother is broken and your wife is so lost. I had to hug you children when we put your box in the ground knowing that I will never have the words to make them feel better. I just had a baby boy and you will never meet him. I feel angry at you for doing this to us. I always looked up to you for making it through our troubling childhood – now you’re gone. You gave up!!! You hung yourself in your own home around your small children the day after Christopher’s birthday!!!! What the hell was so bad that you had to do that! You had a beautiful house a great job, a loving wife. I just don’t understand. Now I have no choice but to be cold about this so I can be understanding with mom and take care of the new baby. If I were to let myself feel I would be so lost. I hope one day I can forgive you. I will always love you.

“Miss you, buddy” That’s what mom wrote in her comment on that photo of you in your uniform. You were so handsome that day. I can’t believe it’s already been two years. I miss you every day. I pray every night that you somehow know how much we love you and how much we miss you.

Sergio it’s been a little over two months since I last spoke to you, kissed you hello, laughed with you. Gosh I miss you so much it hurts so bad ): As the days go by I have learned to live because you gave us no choice. We have to move on, but mom is still so broken she barely exists and dad tries so hard to help her but he fails everyday. My birthday is next week. This will be the first bday I will not hear your voice wishing me a happy birthday like you always did. WHY WHY WHY did you do this to us? You left us all so devastated; we are such a close loving family. We all helped you & you knew we would have your back always no matter what your life would turn out to be. I repeated to you over & over that money meant nothing – it comes and goes, but the strong love and faith we shared would over power everything nothing was too big for us nothing. I cry for you every day and I know this pain will never go away. I am so sorry that you were so unhappy and I pray every day that you are enjoying every minute of your eternal life with grandma, grandpa and everyone else in heaven. I will have to live the rest of my life wondering WHY this happened to a family that was extremely in love and supportive. WHY you decided to leave. WHY you felt there was no way out. WHY you felt your life was not worth living. I will hold on tight to faith and look forward to seeing you again because that will get me through. I love you Sergio more than you could of imagined. Your boys are struggling. We are trying to help them and just like with you they have us to lean on. Love you always & forever.

Two weeks ago there was no call.
You didn’t reach out before you chose to fall.
I need to say goodbye but I will never know why.
Some days I am mad.
Some days I just cry. Some days I just want to know why.
I pretend to smile and laugh but now I am the one struggling as you fly. I ask myself why.
Each day the sun comes up and you won’t be here for me to worry about. Could this be why?
Fly high big brother.
I will find the strength in the why.

I received word this past Thursday that one of my older brothers committed suicide. He lived, but on life support for 3 days and was pronounced brain dead and his life support was pulled on Monday. We all loved him so very much. He leaves a wife and 3 children behind, he was 40… and 5 siblings including myself behind…I am so confused. I almost don’t know which way is up anymore. Everyone who spoke to him up till that day said he was his normal happy self. I have so many questions….and they will probably never get answered: was there anything I could have done? Said? That would have stopped him??? He was very close with us and I always bragged about him. He had bipolar disorder and manic depression, even still he has been through so much.. so why now??? Is feeling confused,hurt and angry normal???

My best friend died. We weren’t friends at the time. We lived different lives and socialized with different people. I remember the day you were brought home. So small and pink in our mother’s arms. You gave me a purpose. I needed to protect you. We grew up side by side. We were both rejected by our father as the “less important” children. We lived with Lola for most of our lives. Walking with you in the park down the street from Lola’s house is still one of my fondest memories. You were my shadow. We were together for so long. Trauma hit us both and our parents did damage. I thought we both recovered, but I didn’t see the signs you still suffered. You pushed away and I was so angry, I let it happen. I gave you so many doors, so many ways out, I fought for your happiness and I felt your pain. I helped raise you. I saw a future in you that I wanted for you. So desperate to see what I had planned, I tried to push you in certain directions. I want to see you smile, your crooked smug face. I want to hear you laugh with my wife on Thanksgiving again. I want you to bring a box of chocolates and always eat most of it. I miss you. I didn’t get a note when you took your life. I am both thankful and sad. I wonder what you would have said to me? Would it be nice? Or would it be unfair? I can’t ask you. You won’t be here to see my wedding. You won’t be here to see our brother graduate high school. You aren’t here because of one final decision. All the things I should have said and didn’t just feel like sand drying out my lips. I see the box that our mother has you in and I feel the painful reminder of how I will never see you again. I will never hear you mix the Majong tiles at our mother’s table. I will never hear you laugh at a story. These are things I will forever miss. Someday, when I am given the privilege to raise children of my own they will see pictures of you, but never get to meet you. Never know how wonderful you are and how much joy you could bring. You were such a better person than me, little brother. I looked at you and say hope, love, and joy. I want to be so mad and can’t be. Now my shadow is gone and I have to continue to live in the bright sun. I have to smile and do my job. It all seems mundane and pointless. My other brothers decided to live. I have a beautiful fiance that I marry in 240 days. I teach children. I’m the hope they will bring goodness and justice to our country. I remind myself of these things when sadness wraps me in it’s arms like a blanket. Our father suddenly accepts me because he lost you. I would rather have a shit father than a dead brother. I miss you so much. I wasn’t always a great sister, but I wish with every fiber of my being that I could have saved you somehow. I wish there had been some way. I miss you, my little shadow. My best friend. My brother. Every breath I take is for you. I just wish you could have stayed. There was another way.

I was on my way home from work when my sister called me saying they found my brother in his room. He had hung himself. My little sister found him, she’s 12. My sister was yelling through the phone and I just kept yelling back WHAT HOSPITAL ARE THEY TAKING HIM TO I’LL MEET YOU GUYS THERE. I’m on my way. I was positive he was just unconscious. And all she said was Dayane they’re not taking him to a hospital, they’re not doing anything. I drove home so fast I almost crashed twice. The whole way I kept saying “Not my brother God, please not my brother”. When I got to the house there were 2 cop cars outside and when I got out of my car Susan was on the floor screaming “My brother God WHY WHY WHY MY BROTHER”. I fell to my knees. I’ve only seen that happen in movies but my legs gave up and I fell to my knees. My mom was screaming and screaming and in that second my world fell apart. Everything after that is blur, the whole street was there watching when they took my brother out in a body bag. My brother. I remember I could see the outline of his body when they were putting him in the coroner’s van. And just like, that he was gone. I would never see him alive again. I would never see him breathing, walking, smiling. The purest soul was taken from earth that day, maybe too pure for this piece of s*** world.