Dear Raphael, (nickname)
You’re gone. How simple and life destroying that statement is. How utterly unbelievable this really is. I hear you laugh behind my screams of dispare. I hear the witty comebacks and the smartass remarks and see you around every block. Looking and looking. You were my big brother and the only one i had. You make me angry. Even now 3 months later, angry tears fill my eyes and my fists clench. You escaped and fled life. You make me fight that much harder to get through this life and make my way. You couldnt live with out mom. You barely made it through her birthday. Few days later you were gone. Never seeing your face again drives me crazy. I never got to really say good bye. I never really believe i cant talk to you ever again. It kills me we didnt do more, but i look back and realize … we lost ourselves and failed to care for any one but our own broken hearts. You took yourself away from me, you took all that laughter and silly with you and left my life a lot more empty. I hope you see me now, i am trying so hard. I hope you feel my feelings because i can never let this anger go. mom ripped a hole in my life but loosing you right after, the pain became a black hole. And with it all my hope. In some ways i hate you. In many more others i love you and i feel sad for you. I miss you ultimately and formost. Ttyl tata for now.

My brother was my only sibling and 4 years ago, he hanged himself. He was 55. I knew he was having business worries, but never imagined he would leave his wife, daughter, our Mum and me. I wrote a poem for his funeral……
My big brother, was always there
Life’s ups and downs, we’d often share
My first memory of you, you were being a pain
Playing giddy up horsey with my reins
You taught me how to ride your bike
Introduced me to rock music, which I still like.
At school your giggly fan club, would tip me the nod
So I had my own protection squad
When I gave a prospective boyfriend, a goodnight snog
You chased him down the road, with our old dog
Your future seemed set with pastures new
Looking forward to happy days with your girls too
But now you’re gone and I don’t know why
All I can do, is sit and cry
I love you more than you’ll ever know
I can’t believe you had to go
As I watch the sun rise, it’s you I see
Please remember, give Dad a kiss from Mum and me

My brother was 16. So full of love… so full of life. He was a Sr in high school and was 2 weeks away from turning 17. He had a scholarship for welding. He loved boxing… knew how to skateboard. He was gonna be “the one” who made it, “the one” who made a name for himself, to be “the better one” out of the rest of my family.
I hadn’t seen him in a while, it was about month since I last spoke to him. He seemed fine. He was in love, he was happy, he was… himself. Nothing seemed out of the ordinary. He was growing his hair, on top… so he asked me french braid it.. I’ll never forget the way his hair felt in my hands. Never.
I got the call from my sister. “J***** shot himself” I froze… dropped everything I was doing and made my way towards the hospital. The sound of the woman’s voice on the intercom still haunts me to this day – “Code blue Trama ICU”.. All my family and I could do was wait… pray, and hope that he would make it because somehow– love should have been enough.
He didn’t. My parents weren’t even there to be with him as he took his last breath. Me being the oldest, I had to tell my younger brothers (who were 9 and 6) that we just lost our brother. The way they fell to their knees breaks my heart each time I think about it.
We all miss him so much, we all wish there was more that we could do, more that we could say to remind him that he meant something to us, that we loved him with every ounce of our beings.
It’s been 6 months. I think about him all the time, I carry his picture on the dashboard of my car next to the speedometer. That song 1-800 by Logic reminds me of him. It was the “most played” on his Spotify Playlist. He did have a hard life, he got it the worst out of all of us… and I wish so hard everyday that I could have been there for him more.
Jelly Bean, I love you and I’m sorry if I never showed it as much as I said it. Rest easy baby, be a butterfly.
Always, Amanda.

Subject: My Big Goofball Brother

The night before we played with the dogs breaking in their new toys. Pearl of course took all her toys to the bedroom and you snuck in and took them all away only for her to take them back in. This happened 5 billion times.
Later we sat on your bed drinking hot coca specially made by you, heavy whip cream on top. We were browsing your liked videos on youtube and joking about how some people are so foolish. We made some stupid inside jokes, OHMS, ba doom tssss, Jorge or Jorge.
That silly Darth Vader shirt you had on, “free throat hugs”, clung to every single one of Felix’s hairs. I left your room that night with you two wrestling with Felix’s new stuffed squeaking pig. You always loved dogs. You even brought home the best dog in the world for me.
I’m might be headed to college next year but I still nesd my big brother to send me shitty videos and tell me what I should watch and do.
I was ganna teach you how to drop in on a pipe (snowboarding) on Monday, now I don’t think I can even go snowboarding at all. You were right beside me when I learned. Falling every time I falled or making me fall.
I love you even if you left me this confused and sad. I’m still waiting for this to be a prank.

Subject: Help

5 years have past. Yet I still reach for the phone. I can’t accept that you would leave us when you know the pain .

Subject: Miss you, baby brother

My baby brother hung himself in his home, 4 months ago. We were close, and I never saw this coming. He’d been depressed for the last month and a half before he took his own life. We talked often, I still didn’t see this coming. He was having marriage troubles, was working in getting his license back, and had some debt he needed to clear up. I was helping him get back on track. He came home from work early in the 12th anniversary of our fathers death and caught his wife with one of his best friends (who also happened to be our cousin). That was it. No note, nothing. I miss him so much. I try so hard to block out the “what if’s”. But it’s hard. Aside from the month a half before he died, he was always happy go lucky. I miss him so much. It’s a pain that you can’t describe and a pain that only anyone who’s ever lost a loved one to suicide, can ever understand. I know that time is supposed to help. But I feel like it’s getting worse. I miss him more and more everyday. Til we meet again, baby brother. I love you!

Subject: Thinking of you

Today is just another day in my life. Nothing special. My life is good, but would be better if you were still with us. I love and miss you so much.

Subject: To my younger only sibling..

If you only knew the anger, depression and sadness I felt. If you only knew the insomnia I’m riddled with now after you took your own life. If you only knew how many outbursts I’ve had and days I’ve missed from work would you have thought twice about your decision. Did you think about our childhood and what we did together.. Did you remember any of the great times we had. The laughter, the tears. Did you think about any of that before you decided to take your own life. Did you think about the sunsets you would miss, the beauty of a thunderstorm, the sound of rain hitting the roof. Did you think of the big life events that you would miss.. like your own wedding, my wedding, the birth of our children. Why did you forget about the beauty in life rather than endlessly searching for negativity, tragedy and sadness. Everyone goes through hardships in life. Everyone. Why did you think you were so special in the way you felt about life? You never tried hard enough to better yourself or your life. You let depression run your life and you created tragedies in your life on purpose. It’s like you wanted to hurt as much as I did but you had it easier so you made your life much harder to counter-act that or “show me up” in hardships. I never understood that about you. Did you think you would be your own demise all along? Why would you put our family through this? I don’t sleep at night and I need therapy now.. counselling. I’m freaking out randomly on poor Travis. He doesn’t deserve that! But I can’t deal with these emotions this time through. I thought my hard life was over and now it’s the worst it’s ever been. What went through your head when you hung yourself! Why did you do that! Around the corner from Mom’s house!? Why!!! It was horrible to find that out that day after you had been missing for 4 days. My vacation from work turned into a horrible, crazy search for you and then a tragic, terrible ending finding out you had died. I cried so hard I fell on the ground and couldn’t get up. Why would you do this? Now I’m alone. When Mom and Dad pass, I’m utterly and totally alone. The oldest sibling left alone by herself. I felt lonely for a long time but now I feel a different type of loneliness. A very painful, emotional loneliness where I am completely unmotivated a lot of the time.. when I was always so optimistic and looking on the bright side of every negative situation. Now I don’t really see much of a bright side anymore.. I see dimness and desperation. You forgot how you got here and what we did together as kids, teens and then adults. You forgot it all and thought about only yourself. You ended your life at 23 so abruptly not even realizing that you could have changed your fate. You could have changed your ways. You could have changed your life!! You took my life with yours you know. Now I suffer and if I suffer too much, I push it away so I can work.. so I can nurture my relationship with Travis and my friends but then it blows up in my face every time ten-fold. I love you Laura but you have stolen a massive piece of me and took it with you. If you only knew.

Subject: I can’t deal with this.

Scream. I want to scream my lungs out. I want to break everything and cry my heart out. I am feeling things which I cannot even put into words but what tops my list is WHY ME? Out of the billion million people in this world why did this happen to me?
It has been almost a month since I lost my brother, a term which I hate using anymore.
It feels like I have so many things to say but don’t know how to convert my thoughts into words. How to utter these words which will reassure that this is the reality. How to I accept something which I cannot believe is true.
I have questions and I have a handful of them. I am angry not only on him but everyone around me. I have guilt, lots of it. Why are people trying to be normal around me? Why are people laughing and doing what they are supposed to do? What is this? Do we just go on like this? Can we do nothing at all?????
I feel distant from each and everyone. People closest to me have their happy life and they are just sorry and sad for me. They just come, try to make me laugh and go. They leave me with these feelings all inside. Right now, at this very moment I am so annoyed how each and every person out there is doing some routine work in their life with no idea about what I am feeling. They are sorry that they cannot be present, that they have some other priority at this moment when I need them. I don’t understand how do I understand this? How do I understand that they are not here when I need them the most. I need them here all the time but I find myself all alone, all day long.

On august 5th 2013, he left me. I saw him lay there looked as if he was asleep. I walked away in pure shock. I turn around me see my father holding my mother and my two other brothers holding each other. That’s when I realised… if it was to be anyone else (which I would never wish) you would be holding me. i will be mad for as long as I need to be but he is in a better place and away from any trouble. I love you and I always will