December 17, 2017… the day my brother R.W “Dub committed suicide. He was 38, I am 34. He was my favorite person, my favorite Marine, I looked up to him in so mamy ways and feel like part of me died with him that day. I cry everyday even when I don’t realize that I’m crying tears flow down my cheeks. I pick up my phone and text him because …. I really don’t know why. I’ve tried so bard to put on a brave face for my parents, my Kids and my husband but i juat cry. Im unsure how go throughout my life when he should be here, he was teaching my about facial hair because my son so wanted to grow a magnificent Beard like uncle Dub. He was teaching my 4 year old How to write his name Via video chat…. She doesn’t understand why he didn’t take his phone. We had plans, See he’s gonna be a daddy next month and we were going to go to D.C. before the baby arrived. I feel so many things, I’m hurt mad, I’m heartbroken, I’m glad he’s no longer fighting the inner demons we didn’t know he had. I’m hopeful that he’s found peace but all at the sametime I feel like I’ll never be whole again. I talked with him Just hours before he took his life and had no idea he was feeling this way. I feel guilty for not knowing, for not being there for him, for letting him feel so alone and depressed that he felt this is what was best. I know as a FR Marine he has seen and done so many unimaginable things that the PTSD was far to much. But my heart is broken because I need him. See pur Dad has ALS and is terminal…. He was supposed to be here to stand by my side when our dad passes. I feel alone. He was my bad ass Marine big brother and always knew what to do… How do I pick up the pieces of what’s left of my heart and carry on? It’s been 3 months and I feel like I cry subconsciously… 24-7. Everything reminds me of him ,but why wouldnt it he has always been a major roll in my life. A daily call or text, seen something he’d like…. He was my Dub and now he’s gone.
Reading over some of the post here I see that this pain may never subside. I’m not 100 % sure what I was looking for but write this down may help so why not vent and put it into word where no one pity’s me or judges me. Thank you for any thoughts or prayers youcould send my way!

Miss You

Jacob,
I miss you today. You were light in my life. I wish you knew that. I miss your hugs. I wish you knew how loved your were. You were perfect to me and I love you forever.

It’s not an exaggeration. She died because of me.
I still can’t forgive myself six years later. You died because of me. We were the same person but you knew I couldn’t take care of us both so you made the decision for us. The rest of our siblings blame me. Our parents blame me. I blame me. I miss you so much and I can’t move on. I work to forget this pain, but when I am in my own life all I can do is miss you. I am not depressed or lonely I am alone and I haven’t found anything like the love we had. I can not build any relationships because to others my pain is ugly. I miss you. I’m sorry for driving you away little sister. I’m sorry for not taking care of you.

Subject: I lost my older brother today

My brother passed away today. He killed himself. He was my only sibling. His wife of 30 years left him a month ago. I and others have tried to help him. Then I got the call this morning. He planned it very carefully labeling everything in the house and who should get it. Why didn’t he call me first? You call your brother when you need help. That’s what brothers are for. He was heartbroken and crushed and could no longer take the pain. I feel like I am in a nightmare. The grief I feel is terrible. I have lost a part of me.

Today marks 10 whole years since you’ve been gone. Not a day has gone by that I haven’t thought about you or imagined what we would be doing right now if you were still here with me. Would you be married? Would I be an aunt? Would we be thick as thieves? I was in the room the day you came into this world and I was also there the day you left and my soul aches for all the missed life moments and events that I won’t get with you. I hope you know that you are always remembered and always missed. The light of the world dulled when you left and a part of me went with you… until we meet again.

It has been four months since you took your life. How does it feel like just yesterday? How have I even made it through these past months? I feel so alone, like you abandoned me here on this cruel earth. Most days I don’t register what has happened, but that must be my minds way of keeping me safe. When will I understand that you are actually gone forever? When will I FEEL that you are actually gone?
None of my friends know what to say so they say nothing to me. No one knows what to say. Which in turn makes me feel even more alone.
Your suicide has consumed my mind. I miss you so much… it’s unbearable.
Your sister

As I sit at my desk, working overtime at the law office in NYC, I have been doing my best to put my head down and trudge through life without you Rebecca. Just as you would have wished for me to keep going. However, sometimes I just can’t think straight, my mind becomes paralyzed thinking about you and how empty I feel inside and in life without your living presence. Since you chose to leave my life in early December, ironically enough while I was working, I have been distracting myself with work and use it as a crutch to escape the painful recollection and cold reality that you are no longer here. No one to text, no one to send goofy memes to, and more importantly, no other sibling to brighten mom’s and dad’s life. Most of the time, I close out that part of me to save face in public but when I am sitting at my desk either at work or my apartment, I can’t help but think of your everlasting memory and sometimes just break down at the mere glance of a photo of us and our wonderful family of four. Today has been tougher than many of the more recent months. The reason primarily being that I cannot believe mom’s birthday is in 2 days and dad’s is in 4, and I don’t know what to get them. I know you would say “I don’t either” but I know you would have an idea on what books to get mom or dad and what music/TV show/movie I should get for them. As I sit in the office, trying to keep myself together, all I wish is that you don’t bear the weight of your demons anymore, the stresses, problems, depression and angst, and that you grant mom and dad the greatest gift of all, a sense of peace and happiness in your absence. Love, your big brother

My dear sweet brother. We only lost you a few weeks ago and the reality of the permanency of what you’ve done has only just hit us. It has tore Mum apart and nothing will ever be the same. I have so many questions and am feeling numb but at the same time my mind is racing. Life seems to go on around us but we feel stuck in this never ending cycle of grief. The pain you must have been in breaks my heart, but the pain we are all in without you is utterly unbearable…

Hi Serg, we are now at 3 Months without you.. The only thing that has changed is the time. Is it really true that time heals a broken heart?? If so, why are we still broken? The truth is we will always be broken. Your boys are doing bad, your youngest wants to stay in bed all day everyday and mentions that he hates his life, your eldest is trying really hard to move on. They were over at moms this weekend and watched all the home videos you took of all of us as they grew up year after year.. My mom is devastated, not one day goes by without crying for you and blaming herself for you leaving us. Our dad is trying to live and help our mom each day. Me, well I am trying to fix, heal, help, comfort everyone.. I just paid off your car and we are keeping it to remember you, we know how much you loved your car. Not a day will go by that I stop asking WHY WHY WHY??? We loved you, we helped you, we were there for you unconditionally, we had your back in good times and bad WHY did you do this to us WHY mom & dad did not deserve to live the rest of their retired life with this unbearable pain WHY??? But no matter what, I meant what I told you that I will always protect you so how dare I question you or even get mad at you Sergio.. I will love you and miss you all my life and I will promise to make it somehow less painfull for our parents, your kids and all our family that loved you. I hold on to my faith that we will eventually be together again and that I will be able to hold you & kiss you any time I want to (: I love you my angel. Your sis

Dear Raphael, (nickname)
You’re gone. How simple and life destroying that statement is. How utterly unbelievable this really is. I hear you laugh behind my screams of dispare. I hear the witty comebacks and the smartass remarks and see you around every block. Looking and looking. You were my big brother and the only one i had. You make me angry. Even now 3 months later, angry tears fill my eyes and my fists clench. You escaped and fled life. You make me fight that much harder to get through this life and make my way. You couldnt live with out mom. You barely made it through her birthday. Few days later you were gone. Never seeing your face again drives me crazy. I never got to really say good bye. I never really believe i cant talk to you ever again. It kills me we didnt do more, but i look back and realize … we lost ourselves and failed to care for any one but our own broken hearts. You took yourself away from me, you took all that laughter and silly with you and left my life a lot more empty. I hope you see me now, i am trying so hard. I hope you feel my feelings because i can never let this anger go. mom ripped a hole in my life but loosing you right after, the pain became a black hole. And with it all my hope. In some ways i hate you. In many more others i love you and i feel sad for you. I miss you ultimately and formost. Ttyl tata for now.