I just learned last night that my brother killed himself. He was diagnosed with bipolar disorder about a year ago and was having a really hard time with it. I just saw him at Christmas, and he really seemed like he was doing okay. We talked and laughed a lot every day. I am just so heartbroken right now, I don’t know what to do. I keep thinking things would have been different if I just called him more, if I just tried a little harder. I can’t believe I’m never going to see him again or talk to him or hear his laugh. Does this ever get easier? I just hope he knew how much I loved him, and I hope he is finally at peace.

Hi. New to this and nervous – 2009, brother passed of own accord, still feel sad and guilty after this time. Spent a lot of time trying to help elderly mum and dad through it, but sometimes feel really down too. Miss him like crazy but keep outward strength to world. Keep up the good work.

Petite pensée pour toi ce soir fréro, j’voulais que tu sache que j’taime, j’taime pour toujours pis j’pense pas que je te l’ai jamais dit directement, mais je le pense pis je le pense vraiment. P’tête qu’on a jamais pu se connaitre comme il faut pis que je t’ai connu d’une mauvaise façon, mais aujourd’hui je comprend plus que jamais qu’est-ce que tu ressentais et comment est-ce que tu as réagis face à ce que tu vivais. C’était pas la meilleur solution pour nous mais c’était peut-être la meilleure que tu voyais à ce moment. J’ai rien pu faire, j’étais trop innocent et j’ai vu venir mais j’ai rien fait parce que j’étais qu’un enfant qui voulais arrêter de voir sa mère pleurer. Aujourd’hui je me rend compte à quel point j’étais dans l’erreur et â quel point je donnerais tout pour te parler encore une fois et te connaitre. Je sais que j’étais le pire des cons avec toi que tu croyais tout de même en moi fréro, et je t’en suis éternellement reconnaissant. Sache que ce soir je t’en fais la promesse, je vais me rendre loin, plus loin que jamais tu l’aurais espérer de moi et ce, pour toi, parce que je pense que quelque part tu es encore la, tu es encore en train de nous protéger. C’est drole comment même en étant non croyant dans nos moments difficiles on se retourne vers nos croyances. J’imagine que présentement je me retourne vers toi. Parce que je crois au plus profondément que tu m’as été le plus grand des professeur, plus grand que tout les professeurs que je vais jamais rencontrer, tu es celui qui m’a appris la vie.

Last month, December 15th… you left us. We will never be the same, life has changed as we know it. And the reality, is a devastating one.
You were the anchor, the beginning of our brood of 6 kids. You built us up, encouraged us, ensured that we knew you were always there… even when you were in so much pain. I miss you, so very much. I don’t have the words. In my 28 years of life… I NEVER thought I’d say goodbye to a sibling. A piece of my heart.
Mom and dad are crushed. Dad questions everything you said to him those few days before… he holds every word, locked in his mind. As I was making your memorial slideshow… I tried to hide the photos so mom wouldn’t see. She stared at your baby pictures with such sadness, she holds every chapter of your life in her heart. I can’t look them in the eyes, the pain there is too hard to bare.
You helped mom and dad raise us siblings. You’re the reason I am the person I am, you shaped so many aspects of my life by just being my big brother. I miss your giant hugs, our long talks, the way you’d jam out to your favourite tunes, your stories from your travels, our movie nights, your goofiness and teasing, your brooding laugh, your cheek smooches, your support, your loving gentle heart, your nicknames for each of us.
You left behind two baby girls, and a young wife. We promise to all pull together, we will surround our sister-in-law and nieces with love and support. Your girls will know you… we will make sure they do. From comic books to punk music, they’ll know about their papa and how much he loved them.
Before you passed, you asked me to be the godmother to the girls… an honour I’ll now cherish even more. Forever. Thank-you for that.
Each day gets harder, reality hasn’t set in. I feel lost, I feel so weak just going through the motions. I stare at the hustle and bustle of life around me, wondering why strangers aren’t stopping what their doing. Because my brother’s gone, and life shouldn’t move on.
As I try to sleep at night, our last conversation, last text, last hug… runs through my mind over and over. I miss you. I’m sorry I didn’t check on you… I’m sorry you were in so much pain. The loss of you, has been felt by so many. You took care of so many, you were loved by so many. I hope you know that.
I love you so very much, and always will.
Your sister, MF

My sweet Sissy Poo, It’s been one month since the worst day of my life. The shock and horror of hearing that you were gone still plays in my mind over and over. I wanted to be with you right away! I wanted to talk to you and hug you. Even though you struggled most of your life with suicidal thoughts, I still can’t believe you did it. Even though I knew you thought about it, and even tried before, I’m still shocked you are gone. My only comfort right now is knowing you are finally at peace. I drive myself crazy thinking about what I could have done differently.  Could I have done anything?  Did I fail you?  You know how much I love you, and I know you love me too. I see where you left the note on your fridge that I left you last time I was home. You are so loved and so missed by all of us. I feel you all of the time.  Keep sending me little messages that you are ok and here with me.  Today I saw a turtle and I know that was a sign.  Keep visiting me in my dreams my sweet sissy poo! I love you so much.

My dearest Ryan,
I never thought I would have to live without you so early in my life. Remembering everything you are and everything you have ever done brings me such joy. You are the most selfless, kind-hearted, patient, friendly, beautiful soul I have met and I am so grateful to have had you in my life. You are a light of wonder to me, always curious about art, culture, architecture, or the environment around you. As a versatile multimedia artist, you loved looking at your art from every angle and always said things like, “My art is never finished”. You had perseverance and courage to do things differently and always strived to become better. Not only did you love art, but you loved people. You personally challenged me to live life simply and not waste a day doing things I wasn’t passionate about.
Our friendship and love is everything to me. You and I both know that growing up with divorced parents isn’t the easiest, but you were my partner through it all and we were always there to support each other. The love and friendship we have is like: making it to the beach just in time to watch the sunset—magical. Our adventures, our laughs, our jokes, all magical. Our love for each other is something people may never see in a lifetime, and for that I am so grateful.
It breaks my heart when I realize we won’t be able to get a milkshake together for a while, but I know I will be reunited with that gorgeous smile someday. Thank you for showing me that life is meant to be lived passionately. I will miss you with all my heart and love you with every ounce of my being.
Your best friend,
Natasha

Dear Shane, I miss you immeasurably. Its been 13 of the longest yet shortest months of my life. You were my big brother, my first best friend. I don’t understand how I can simply adjust to a life without you, when its not one  I’ve ever known.
There was so much left for you to experience, you where much too young. And yet, I understand the pain you were in. I get so, so angry at your choice, that you left me and mum to bare your consequences. But, I know you’re home, safe and happy now. No tears in Heaven.
Give Daddy a hug for me.
I miss you indefinitely.

After nearly 8 months of intransigent depression and 35 years of service in a (retired) healing profession, my brilliant shining star of a “baby sister” has ended her sense of worthlessness by ending her life. We will always fiercely love the free bird who had the courage to live fearlessly. I pray that her two children honor the memory of their mother by living as fearlessly as she did and by teaching their own children to do the same. May the Lord keep her in His Heart of Hearts — most secure, most beautiful, and most free. Amen.

My baby sister Alexandra hung herself on the back step of my childhood home 2 years and 4 months ago. She was 29. She is greatly missed. She was pregnant at the time. She went through so much physical and mental pain in her life, she was in a abusive, violent relationship at the time of her death.

I feel like the first year afterwards i was in a daze and i am only starting to come to terms with what happened. I understand and i accept why you did what you did; that doesn’t mean that it doesn’t hurt. You did not want to be in, or bring someone else into, such an intensely miserable existence filled with hard drugs and a emotionally and physically abusive partner who refused to leave.

I have a swirling sea of emotions:
Grief: i miss my sister.
Guilt: i was very hard on her in the last few years of her life, pushing her to get a job and move out of the parents house and become more self-sufficient. i know my actions were (for the most part) taken for the greater good and with her best interests at heart; that does not mean that the words in your suicide note do not hurt. I could have done so much more; visited you, not judged you, not have my eyes glaze over when you spoke to me.
Anger: her partner of the time encouraged her to commit suicide like it was some type of notch on his belt, pawned her possessions as the family grieved the morning after her death.

What i find hardest to deal with is the methodical way you went about taking your life, you had a day by day countdown in your phone, you would casually remark that you would never have a 30th birthday. You have to be in an obscenely dark place to behave in this manner.  Occasionally i have my own thoughts of self-harm when life gets stressful; this is not something that i would ever do as i have seen the carnage that this type of act inflicts on a family.

I have dulled my emotions by abusing marijuana on weekends and on holidays, however there is only so much of this i can do. i think i am ready to stop doing this and attempt to ‘involve’ myself more in life and stop sabotaging my own relationships. sorry if this is a jumble of words. I hope this helps someone.

Martin V.

I don’t know why i’m typing this other than to vent and hopefully process these feelings. Sorry if my spelling is horrible. I remember the day i found out you left us. Leading up to that point mom just moved to portland to be closer to you. i had a sense that you were struggling but not sure about what. fast forward to helping unload the trailer and having to drop you off. i remember you showing me this hispanic restaurant. it was one of your friends 21st birthday party that day and i figure i’d buy y’all your first round. That was the last time i saw you. the last thing i said to you was be safe like i always do, not knowing that was going to be the last time i spoke to you. I found out that you were missing and didn’t know what to do and then i got the news after work. i was still homeless at the time. i had just entered the shelter and opened fb and saw that you have left us. I didn’t know what to do. i yelled i screamed and i cried. Later on was your funeral. i sat in the back because i felt i had to be the strong one for mom and others like i have been in the past. i left shortly after the ceremony and broke down. Even tho we were not related by blood, i feel we still had that brotherly connection. Everyday i think about you and wish that we could have had better times. you were such a talented person that would have gone far. when you spoke people listened, even as the older brother i still looked up to you. in ways you were stronger than me as much as i’d hate to admit it. One thing that helps me when i think about you is the song that one day i will get tatted on my skin. Here’s to 2017 and hopefully a better year…