Does anyone understand?

My younger brother took his own life 5 months ago this week. He died 4 days after his 20th birthday. He had been suffering from depression, anxiety, OCD, ADHD, autism and borderline personality disorder. As well as abuse from our father and his girlfriend leaving him for someone else.
Now it’s time to go back to university and i’m struggling everyday without him. People don’t understand. It’s hard to function. I miss him everyday. People say time heals wounds but it feels like its getting deeper and harder to go through each day.
I like to talk about him but then people get awkward and make me feel uncomfortable about it. Or if they do talk about him they say things like “he made his choice, that’s where he wants to be.” but i don’t agree. i think he wanted help, he did not realise what he was doing.
I’m trying to be brave for my mum and for my family but nothing seems to help.
I’m finding it so hard to relate to people and to find people to talk to. It’s something only a sibling of someone who has taken their own life can understand.
Does anyone understand?

9 thoughts on “Does anyone understand?

  1. Yes I do.
    I lost my younger brother October 12 2016.
    It will always be difficult.
    Bad days and better but never the same. One comment on my write up was with great love can come great heartache and that’s true.
    Pray and thank the Lord for the time you had together.
    One day I hope we’re all together with loved ones for eternity.
    I am sorry for you loss.

  2. My sister jumped in front of a train on the 8th of december. It’s left me feelingww totally numb and tbh i dont quite know how im holding it together. We where so close she was 23 and was so popular. Mental health unfortunately got the best of her :/ no help in the system would serve anythin for her but apart of me has died too and it kills me. No time is not a healer but nah not this im with you. it is good to talk to others going through the same. this is twice it’s happened to me. my dad hung himself when I was 3 years old now my sister I just can’t deal with this pain

  3. I’m very sorry this has happened to you. I personally lost my older sister when she was 19 and in her sophomore year of college and now turning 19 and facing college myself is hard. I was very close with my sister and she gave me a reason to seek help for my own illness so I can tell you with complete confidence that your brother would not have made this choice if he was in his right mind and not suffering. I hope you can at least find closure in knowing that. I’ve found that losing someone to suicide can be very isolating at times because people may not know how to approach such a dark subject or they can’t wrap their minds around it from the perspective of someone that is healthy and not suffering but my suggestion would be to come to an agreement of a safe space, possibly monitored by a grief counselor, in which you approach the subject more openly with your family and yourself. You are definitely not alone though and I hope you find peace and the support you need.

  4. My eldest son took his life 10yrs ago. His siblings not only lost him, but the mother they once knew. While both his sister and brother would talk about how they missed him, laugh at some of the ‘good memories’ they never let me know just how deeply they were broken. In April 2015, my youngest son took his own life. I have just been reading the Coroners report. The statements from Ambulance Officers that took him to hospital in the days before he died. He spoke of the deep hurt, the wanting to be with his brother. His life had taken a turn for the worse in the year before he died. I sit here now wondering if my brokenness didn’t allow me to see how Mikes passing altered my remaining children. How could I be so blind. My daughter found her younger brother….their bond was so strong. Each day I wonder how this will impact on her, will she find it all to hard. She has her husband and 2 children, a job that she loves….but is it enough.. I now purposely hid my brokenness, I am so afraid that she may see this as ‘forgetting’ her, or not seeing her….This journey is truly never ending

    1. I’m so sorry. It’s incredibly difficult to see my parents suffer but I wouldn’t want them to hide it from me either. I recently attended my dad’s counseling session with him and it felt really good. Our relationship has always been very strong but it’s been rocky since my brother’s death. Please reach out to a counselor for yourself and for family counseling. We’ve found that they’re very open to making (payment) exceptions in letting us attend each other’s sessions because it’s all intertwined so much (I have a different insurance provider.) I’m not a parent so I can’t imagine your pain. I hope you can help each other to mend a little.

    2. firstly, I am sorry for your losses. My brother died by suicide 4 months ago with my whole family including me at home. he was 22. my mother did not see him, thankfully but my father and I did. as a result, I now have PTSD. my parents have both been depressed ever since I can remember. I don’t blame my parents. it has definitely gotten worse for them, they do not speak to me. we have never really had a relationship. all I can say is, don’t hide your grief. if anything use that grief to hold onto your remaining children. they need you.

  5. about 3 years ago i lost my best friend/brother and i didn’t even get a chance to say goodbye and it hurt so much i didn’t know what to do. And i still don’t know what to do. i just wish that he would have told me how he was feeling because maybe if he would have i could have helped him because i knew what he was going through. And know my oldest brother is thinking about suicide and im scared i will lose him too. i just wish i could bring my brother back and at least say goodbye.

  6. I understand. I lost my brother in July and decided to go back to my part time job in September as well as resume my online school. By December I had barely passed my latest class and completely lost the motivation to continue. I’ve put it on hold since then. I also left my job about a month ago. Some people seem to get it. Others don’t understand at all. It’s hard to function often even on good days. Take the time you need and reach out for help. Your university might have campus counselors which may help. Best of luck. Hugs.

  7. I understand. My sister lost her battle with mental illness in December. I think I am still in shock. We were close even though I live 9 hours from her. My life will never be the same. I just hope for all of us, that it won’t always hurt this much.

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