My brother committed suicide almost 5 years ago. He was 26 at the time and had just been married for less than a year and had a baby of only 3 months old. The last time I spoke to my brother we had a fight on the phone, it was insignificant but still it was the last time we spoke. To make it worse I honestly forgot to congratulate him for his birthday a few weeks before his death. My brother lived in another country but still we were very close, he was my best friend. I know he wasn’t angry with me when he left us, but the guilt still eats me up inside. Its been 5 years and I have gone on with my life, but someways I still feel very lonely and empty inside. Nothing has filled the void of losing my brother. Writing has seemed to help me.

As you know Tim, I lost you at the age of 22 to suicide, you were two years older than me. This was in October of 2006
I’d had issues living life on its own terms prior to this but after hearing the news, any tangible value that I saw in life was ripped from me in an instant.
Just shy of twelve years on and I’m still not able to function well enough to hold down employment. I feel like my soul has been broken, never to feel whole again no matter what I do.
When you suicided, life lost whatever sparkle it had. I lost my innocence.
I lost my belief that the world was fundamentally a good place or that people were fundentally good, albeit with their own issues as everybody has.
I realise how much this may read as if I’m stuck in self-pity, but it’s not as if I’ve sat on my hands and just self-pitied the last 12 years away; I’ve tried to move forward with my life and find new reasons to live instead of just exist, but all attempts have resulted in the same end result, my emotional volatility and this feeling of feeling defeated constantly. Anger, denial and confusion still plague me.
I’ve recently been seeing a psychologist which made a decent difference, but he’s moved jobs and I need to find another one. This has resulted in me feeling like I’m back at step one. At least I’ve found a clinical psychogist and will be seeing him tomorrow for the first time. He specialises in trauma and issues surrounding trauma.
I’m constantly tormented by a lack of trust in other people now aswell, moreso than I used to before he died. I distrust their loyalty or genuineness and always have fear that they’ll abandon me like he did.
I have to have hope that I’m finally going to get to the bottom of the barriers which are keeping me stuck, or life really would be pointless. It often feels like it is anyway since he died. I don’t use substance to suppress my emotions anymore and have been clean for 13 months, aside from a few beers nearly a week ago. I’ve realised that self-medicating my torment isn’t the answer anymore.
I want to live instead of this existence I’m scratching out, I just don’t know how. I can’t give up because I’ve come too far. P.s I don’t want to either. I will not be another suicide statistic. At least I’m grateful to not have any desire to end my life.
Thank you for taking the time to read my letter.
Does any of this letter ring true to anyone else?

I found you today just lying there. I had no idea you were in so much pain. I cant get that image out of my head. You were only 19, and I know our older brother dying was killing you. I just wish it didn’t have to end this way.

Subject: Night Owl

Tomorrow will be 7 months since you passed. Tomorrow will be a year since you attempted to kill yourself before you moved in with us for a second start. The day after tomorrow will be a year when you moved.
I remember the night last summer when you told me that you were going to kill yourself 12 years by jumping off a building. I couldn’t think for a moment, i just had flashes of memories of you from those 12 years, experiences, memories and laughs that i wouldn’t of had if you had actually killed yourself. Now that you’re gone, that is my reality. Memories, experiences and laughs that are experienced without you.
I so badly want to pick up my phone and text you but i know that you wont be on the receiving end of that. i just want to ask you if you’re okay.
I’m still mad at you. i know that you were in pain for a long time but i wish you woulda let me take on some of the burden that you had. All you had to do was talk to me and now I’m haunted by the sound of you leaving in your truck.
“Hearts yo”

I was told all my life I had a big brother my mom gave up for adoption a few years before I was born. Therefore I started looking for him when I legally was allowed to. I dreamt of what that moment would be like holding my big brother in my arms in a big hug, telling him stories of my childhood but also telling him how much I wish he had been apart of it. So he was born in 1977 and I was born in 1980 not very far apart I always felt him near but couldn’t pin him down. So my whole life I had this small void where he should have been I wanted my brother in my life even if he may or may not have wanted me in his. You see he was adopted and I didn’t know by who I had been searching for him for about 19 years I spent searching for him when I finally got the information on his where about a one winter afternoon. But the voice on the other end said to me Jenn He committed suicide feb 12th 2015 this was told to me Jan 30th 2017 I about dropped the phone. I have spent so much time since then trying to figure out why what was going on that bad that he would take his own life. I learned from his ex gf that he hung himself no one understands really what made him do it. I hear he was deeply depressed. All I could think of was How could you do this to me and the rest of your family? I feel cheated out of getting to know my brother I almost wanted to scream (now you come back now and take this pain away) but I knew it wouldn’t happen he was gone I’d fall to my knees and cry just wanting him to come back I wanted that hug I had always dreamed of and now my heart is broken I’ll never get that I’m slowly coping day to day but it’s still so hard how do mend a a shattered heart ?

I just found out an hour ago and I can’t take the pain. I can’t believe it. I feel broken into pieces.

One year ago

My brother passed away about a year ago from a self inflicted gunshot wound. My last interaction with him was about a month before he died and I was mean. I could tell something was off with him. He was drinking way more than usual and was smoking a lot. I gave him crap for it and was genuinely made at him. I left without saying goodbye or telling him I loved him. I was so mad I didn’t even reach out to him the month leading up to his death. I know there isn’t a point in dwelling on something I cannot change now, but for the past year I have gone over everything in my head and I just hope he knew that I loved him. He was always there for me and I couldn’t be there for him. He was my big brother and one of the most important people in my life. He was kind and smart and loving and simply an amazing person. I don’t know if this will ever get easier but I hope I can live a life he would have wanted me to live.

Subject: I buried my baby brother yesterday

8 days ago, I got the call that shattered my soul, my baby brother, my only sibling, 30 yrs old, hung himself. I was, am, so very angry, sad, confused, numb. He survived, 6 days, icu, and hospice care in the hospital. I buried him yesterday, and now I’m just here. I don’t know how I’m gonna survive this, I don’t know how to handle it. I will. One day at a time I suppose. But just for today, the first day I have nothing to do, I just don’t know how.

When I cry, I feel the pain of your loss. I feel the sting of my tears. I am hurting. When I cry, I imagine you can feel my pain too, the stinging tears, the hurt. It feels good to imagine you can feel that pain. Good. I look up, and for an instant I hope you’re looking down at me and I want you to feel bad for me. Good. Feel bad. Feel my pain, I think to myself. I know you didn’t really want to leave me. You just wanted the pain to end. Well, too bad. That was only the beginning. Sorry for being a negative Nancy. Damnit, I miss you. I wish you could come back to me. I know you do, too, Eli.

Happy Birthday Serg, you have been gone for 8 months now & its so hard not to be able to tell you in person, hug & kiss you but I find some comfort in knowing that our grandma is throwing you a big party like she use to in Monterrey & your surrounded by all our loved ones that have left us. What I would give to turn back the time mijo, I miss you so much that it hurts so bad. We are going to visit you to church and then going to have dinner with your boys to celebrate you, we believe your spirit will be there with us.. This has been extremely hard for us our mom is still devastated and very depressed nothing or no one can cheer her up & our dad poor him, he tries to pick up the pieces but our family is too broken nothing can put us back together, YES you were that important, YES we loved you more than anything, YES your decision ruined our family AND YES we forgive you because no matter what we love you and have to accept the fact that you are not coming back. I know we will see you again and that is the only thing I hold on to that gives me hope & comfort… Love you always & forever your sis…