Subject: I buried my baby brother yesterday

8 days ago, I got the call that shattered my soul, my baby brother, my only sibling, 30 yrs old, hung himself. I was, am, so very angry, sad, confused, numb. He survived, 6 days, icu, and hospice care in the hospital. I buried him yesterday, and now I’m just here. I don’t know how I’m gonna survive this, I don’t know how to handle it. I will. One day at a time I suppose. But just for today, the first day I have nothing to do, I just don’t know how.

When I cry, I feel the pain of your loss. I feel the sting of my tears. I am hurting. When I cry, I imagine you can feel my pain too, the stinging tears, the hurt. It feels good to imagine you can feel that pain. Good. I look up, and for an instant I hope you’re looking down at me and I want you to feel bad for me. Good. Feel bad. Feel my pain, I think to myself. I know you didn’t really want to leave me. You just wanted the pain to end. Well, too bad. That was only the beginning. Sorry for being a negative Nancy. Damnit, I miss you. I wish you could come back to me. I know you do, too, Eli.

Happy Birthday Serg, you have been gone for 8 months now & its so hard not to be able to tell you in person, hug & kiss you but I find some comfort in knowing that our grandma is throwing you a big party like she use to in Monterrey & your surrounded by all our loved ones that have left us. What I would give to turn back the time mijo, I miss you so much that it hurts so bad. We are going to visit you to church and then going to have dinner with your boys to celebrate you, we believe your spirit will be there with us.. This has been extremely hard for us our mom is still devastated and very depressed nothing or no one can cheer her up & our dad poor him, he tries to pick up the pieces but our family is too broken nothing can put us back together, YES you were that important, YES we loved you more than anything, YES your decision ruined our family AND YES we forgive you because no matter what we love you and have to accept the fact that you are not coming back. I know we will see you again and that is the only thing I hold on to that gives me hope & comfort… Love you always & forever your sis…

One week ago today you woke up feeling like you have no purpose. Feeling like you didn’t want to live another day. I had no idea you were in such a dark place. I had no idea you wanted to die so desperately. I had no idea because I was so consumed in my own life. I didn’t ask you about yours. I didn’t think about your problems or your sadness. I only thought about my own. I always think I just have to get thru today. Well you couldn’t get thru it last week. You couldn’t go thru one more day. I wish I felt your sadness. I wish I had know your pain. I wish I had told you I love you. I wish I had helping you just get theu the day. I wish your only sibling wasn’t a selfish little sister like me.
Can we be best friends? Can we be sisters when we meet again? I’m sorry I didn’t tell you I loved you.

Dear Sister,
Today you would have turned 26. I can’t believe it’s been 11 years since I’ve seen you. I’m so sad that you’re not here. I know it was partially my fault. It was all of our fault. I had a dream that night. I dreamed demons were surrounding someone…lying to her…trying to make her go into the water. I woke up knowing I needed to go to the back porch at Moms, I didn’t know who or why just that I needed to stop the demons from destroying our family- our parents. I couldn’t go back to sleep. I didn’t go. I didn’t know how to explain to my husband why I was leaving the house so late. I didn’t know where my keys were. I had an overwhelming urge to smoke a cigarette. I sat on the porch and cried, prayed I wouldn’t ever want to kill myself. I never went to rescue you like I was supposed to. I will never forgive myself for failing you.
I find solace knowing that the Bible says blessed are the pure in heart for they shall see God.
Faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things unseen.

In 2005 I lost my eldest brother..heart attack Feb. My 3rd eldest brother by suicide in Nov. 10 months to the day of our eldest. Yesterday my 2nd eldest committed suicide. I must be in shock! Ive cried all day..I cant get my head around this..thank you for listening

Hello, I have been bestfriends with my bestfriend for 8 years and have been living with him and his family (mum, dad and older brother) for the past 2 years and consider them to be my family. Last week my bestfriends brother hung himself on the tree in our back garden, his dad found him and his brother tried to bring him back to life but it was too late. My heart aches for my bestfriend and his parents, this house feels haunted somehow. I understand grief stays with us forever sometimes and it’s the price we pay for love. If anyone has any advice I would love to hear it. I haven’t stopped hugging my bestfriend, I constantly tell him how much I love him and that I will always be here for him.

Happened July 13, 2018, he’d been living with me because his home burned down, he was going through a divorce, and charged with arson. I sold all my jewelry, my grandmothers wedding ring, my diamonds and pearls, to get him out of jail. I brought him to my home, he had no clothes, no shoes, i bought him some, i bought him a bed, food etc. There were no signs, we thought he was outside walking, well, walked in master bedroom be there he laid. I can’t even go in my own home now, this was selfish… Not sure i can forgive him, not now, he hurt me real bad, he took an easy way out and left me to clean his mess, i love him and miss him and truthfully don’t think it has even really hit me yet, there are so many feelings!! How do you cope, how do i go back to my home, who pays for repairs in my roof where bullet went through , and the biggest question, WHY????

Serg I realized that I did not write you on the 7th month since you have been gone. Did I forget about you? I will never ever forget you, I think about you night & day and find myself talking to you every day. Not a minute goes by that I dont think about you and if for whatever reason I dont, I have the constant reminder when I see our poor mom suffering, she cries for you every day, I see her sad eyes and it breaks my heart. She said that the only thing keeping her alive is her love for me, Tony & our dad… She wants to go with you. Our family is such a good loving family, why would you force us to be unhappy and suffer for the rest of our lives? You had all the support in the world, money wasn’t so important to destroy a family that loved you with all their heart! I can’t bring you back & trust me if I had 1 wish that would be it but I know its impossible, I know we have to wait until its our turn for god to take us and only until then I will see you again but until then my brother I will cry & miss you all my life here on this earth and will never ever forget you.. BTW we spent time with your boys, they too are devastated, 19 years old a lifetime ahead without their dad, so unfair… I do believe that God has a better plan for us & that this immense pain we feel is going to serve a purpose.. Love your sis always… Gosh what I would give to hear you say “Love you sis” like you always did… ):

I wish I had said I love you more than I did
I wish I had said I am proud of you more than I did
I wish I had known you better than I did
I wish I had treated you kinder than I did
I wish I had spent more time with you than I did
I wish I had visited with you more than I did
I wish I had called you more than I did
I wish I had talked to you more than I did
I wish I had listened to you more than I did
I wish I had cherished you more than I did
I wish I had hugged you more than I did
I wish I had appreciated you more than I did
I wish I had understood you more than I did
I wish I had helped you more than I did
I wish, I wish, I wish,
I wish more than anything that you were still here so
I could make all my other wishes come true
Love, your sister Terri