I lost my brother to suicide October 2016. I know he had problems but I thought he was handling his circumstances well. Due to learning disabilities, he never made much more than minimum wage. He was victim of a for profit college that put him 40k in debt. A sum he could never pay and no ability to discharge the debt. With two wage garnishment, he was the definition of the working poor. He had promised me if he needed help he would call me, but he was proud. I later learned he was about to be evicted. All it would have taken is a phone call. I would have done what was needed. He knew that and he had promised me he would reach out. I don’t understand why death was preferrable. I cry every day, but I am also so angry at someone who dies not even exist. I want to scream at him and kick his butt. I want to hug him. I feel so betrayed. What he did was unbelievably cruel and self centered. I thought he loved me. He had to know he was loved. Why did that not matter.? All he had to do was to pick up the phone and call instead of hanging himself by a door knob. I don’t understand.

Just want you to know

Our parents committed suicide when I was 12 and my brother was 8 years old. 5 years later, I haven’t been feeling well. The past few weeks I’ve thought about leaving this world. After finding this site though, I’m definitely not going to do it. It’s heartbreaking to read your stories and I’m so sorry for your loss. I’ve realised my brother really needs his big sister, I can’t be selfish. I’ve already scheduled an appointment with a psychologist as soon as possible (thanks socialism). You don’t have to post this but I want you to know this site is very useful and important and you have to keep it up.

My little sister hung her self only hours ago. I was the one to find her. I am in so much pain and every time I close my eyes the scene of me finding her replays in my mind on loop. I’m glad it was me though. I lost a brother almost three years ago to cancer, and I couldn’t bare if my parents had found her. I’m still numb. Still in shock. I’ve been suffering anxiety and depression among other mental illnesses for quite some time now and it’s, very, very intense right now. She left a note, and a document on her computer, semi explaining herself. It was because the world is chaotic and evil (a lot of it. Not all) she knew she was loved and she knew we would do anything for her. But she never saw a future for herself. We come from a very spiritual, religious background. And about a year ago she stopped believing. Even became atheist. And I cannot bare to think she is anywhere but heaven right now. Any prayers for her are very welcome and encouraged. And if that’s not your thing, please. Send good vibes. Her name was Sara. 18 years of age. Two weeks before graduation. On her prom night.

30 years ago my 11 year old brother shot him self while I was watching him. I was 14 and my parents took the puppies to training class. That day we played and wrote on each other with markers. I have a hard time remembering his voice now and his personality but on the hard days I comes rushing back. He had talked to me that day about how I would do it and he had written a letter about what he wanted done with his things I even took the gun out of his hand that day and told him he would be in trouble for having it. We had talked a little after and I went down stairs to play a game with him. I yelled up a couple times wondering what was taking him so long. That’s when I heard him drop the ketchup bottle and break it. Now I’m thinking we are both in trouble for it. Little did I know he just shot off his head with a 44. I yelled up a few times and still no answer. Sometime later I went up to find him in my parents room with his head missing and a giant mess all over the wall and ceiling. I froze I think felt like I stood there for hours. I don’t know why but I rode my bike around our small town. Things get fuzzy now but I found a policeman along the way and was sitting in the back of his car outside my house with a bunch of other first responders. I don’t remember much else of the night other then wanting water and my dad asking me if it was the gun. I lost my brother and my father that day. He shut down and 25 years later died from not taking care of himself. Maybe we both shut down and my mom over compensated For it. I still never know when emotion will overwhelm me either good or bad. Maybe his death saved my life because there are time I know how he must of felt that day but I know how how everyone else felt the next. My wife and kids suffer from my demons when they take over.but most of the time we are a happy loving family. They deserve better and it’s not fair to my kids to have to see my bad days. They are few and far between which takes us all by surprise and that makes it worse coming out of the blue like they do. I wish I could have seen my brother grow and have him to talk to. Now my dad is gone I feel because he didn’t want to live anymore either. He died the day they were going to sign paper on a house to move closer to my family.

My Dearest Brother. Here is May 6th rolling around yet again. 25 yrs ago I picked your teeth out of the pine trees and covered your body matter with rocks that the EMT left behind. My deep sorrow of missing you never gets any better. I cannot help but wonder how your 60th birthday would have been this year! I wonder where you are now. I still have my little jewelry box on my dresser you gave me when I was so little. You were always so sweet and kind… and you never had a chance in this life. I could not be sorrier that you could not see any other way out of your pain than to shoot yourself. In the dark, in the early morning, deep in the woods. How terrifying or peaceful was thay for you?! Those nights out there are pitch black and I remember them well. I wish I could’ve said goodbye. I wish so many things. I wish I could undo so much of the past but what did I know back then. I can’t believe I have made it 10 years past what you did!! I still think of you every time I go to a new place that is just beautiful & live it for you. I still think of you every time I see fireworks. My deep sorro for you will NEVER EVER go away. I can’t help but feel so cheated and robbed from not having you here longer on this planet. I truly hope I can see you again in Heaven-you deserve no other place to be than there. You were such an awesome sweet & gentle soul that we all took for granted. Missing you so hard shows the deep impact you greatly had on my life. This is not about me & the hole or aftermath of you leaving us – I get that you were in immense pain, but I just really want to say how much I miss you & wish you were still around. Love always, your Baby Sister

Subject: My beautiful Brother

Did not see that coming. Still can’t believe it. Feels like a nightmare. I get angry at you for leaving me and Ed at a time like this when we were bonded in sorting out the situation. I feel physically sick sometimes when the reality hits me and I am unsure at times if I will survive this. You left too soon and broke many many hearts. You are so loved and I’m sorry I wasn’t their to talk you through the darkness and pain you must have felt. You have a beautiful soul and a big heart and that is how you will be remembered. I will miss your crazy ways and how you would bring a room full of people alive with your laughter and humour, I miss you so much. Love always Debbie …….your wee sister xxxxx

It’s been five months and 11 days , since my little 23 year old sister took her own life . She didn’t leave a note , she wasn’t who I thought she was . Maybe deep down inside I guess it makes sense , that someone so beautiful inside and out , could do this …. I miss her terribly . People are so weird abou this . Many believe she didn’t do this , that she wouldn’t . My mother is still in denial , and I am full of anger . I am angry because I didn’t know how much she was suffering . The only two people who knew she was suicidal did not take her seriously . Her boyfriend and her ex lover long time friend . Looking back now , I see a confused 23 year old . I wish she wouldn’t have been so lost , we are all lost . The craziest thing is that she had her life so together , she was in grad school she had a God job , she was stunning . She didn’t have self worth …. this honestly a roller coaster of horrible emotions every day . I wanna blame our child hood and our up bringing , I am a suicide survivor. I tried to do it at 14 . I wish I knew what happened to this girl ? To my baby sister . How does one move on ,or lets go of this unbearable anger .??