When I was 14 I lost my big brother. That same year my mom had Breast Cancer. My mother and my younger sister/ Best friend, Emily found my brother hanging in a lot behind my neighbors house. I was at a church camp when I found out and I decided to stay at the camp, for god knows why. It was the hardest time of my life, and it continues to be. I constantly feel like I let my younger sister down by living her by herself. After that day my older sister, Olivia let Emily come spend the night at her house. I just feel like I let her down and it kills me to think about it. Before David died I really didn’t like him, he was 13 years older than me if you can imagine we didn’t have much in common. He had a personality disorder and he was Bipolar, and he fell into drug use but then got off of the drugs. He moved in with us to be close to my Mother because she had cancer. We like to call her cancer a blessing because he got to spend his last 6 months with us. Some days are so hard because I feel like no one understands what I have gone through. My pain will never go away. I’m graduating from high school this next school year and i’m absolutely terrified. I can’t imagine me walking across the stage and not having my brother shouting for me. The last couple months of his life, I finally started seeing him as my big brother that loved me. I remember I was crying and so frustrated cleaning my room, he came in to help me and it was the nicest thing he had ever done to me. I still sit in the same spot on my floor that he sat to help me. I still remember laughing with him. It’s haunting. I feel bad that I haven’t been to his grave but I haven’t been ready. I don’t want to see him in the ground with just a stone saying who he was. That stone was not who he was. He was the most loving and caring man I had ever met. Does anyone else relate to that? Well, I think that is enough for one night. I will probably add more of these posts later on. I feel like a weight is off of me. Thanks for listening.
– Ashley

One day last year, she told me she gave a new blouse to our mother, that was a gift to her from me. And my mother had already received a similar gift. A couple of months later, she gave away all her jewelry. Both of these actions shocked me, but I didn’t ask why, fearing to intrude on her privacy. I wish I had asked her directly. Then she began to sound very tired on the phone and not her usual joke making self. But I was going home on May 3, and she was looking forward to us talking in private on the way home from the airport. On March 29, she hadn’t slept in 3 days, with the opioid epidemic, her new doctor cut off her sleep aids, cold turkey. She would not go to the hospital; I live in another state. She talked to her only son on the phone; she refused her husband’s entreaty to let him call an ambulance. She walked in the bedroom, put a 25 caliber to her temple and pulled the trigger.
I only learned what a wonderful person she was as our mother began to have health problems some years ago and my sister assured, ‘Don’t you even worry, I will always be there for our mother’. My sister was one of the kindest and most generous people I have ever met; maybe too kind and sensitive for this world. She never said a word to her son, her husband, not me and not her best friend and there is no note. I miss her every day of my life.

I don’t want to write too much as I am freaking out right now, but please, someone who’s going through this talk to me.

I’ve never done this before and I’m not really sure why I’m starting now, I guess I just want feel less alone in my pain. My brother committed suicide about 9 months ago and as painful as it was in the beginng, my life seemed to carry on to the point where I almost thought I could live with what happened. I would cry every now and then at night or get sad when I saw a picture but I’ve never been a person that cries to begin with and I usually keep my pain to myself. I think about him everyday and everyday it hurts but the pain has not stopped me from living. I wrote a paper about him in school and it was hard to do but I could handle it and I haven’t had many moment of breaking down. I really thought that I could deal with what happened to my brother and that I would be OK as I have been doing really well these past months. It wasn’t until today when I was cleaning out my closet and found his old shirt that I realized I have been wrong. I walk by his room everyday and even go in it often with my mother and reminisce on his artifacts left there. I still walk into his room and wear his shirts and hoodies all the time and can continue normally throughout my fay. I thought nothing of returning his shirt until I arrived at his closet. When I got there I just found myself looking at his clothes still hanging on the rack. I saw his size 12 shoes empty and slightly worn on the ground, his stuff animals in a box on the shelf, and a poster he had made when he was in kindergarten. These were all items I have frequently seen before and they were nothing out of the ordinary. But All of a sudden I couldn’t breath, I couldn’t bring myself to hang the shirt I had taken from him so long ago. I imagined his thin frame that used to barely fill out his favorite shirts that hung before me. Its been a really long time since I have sobbed or even cried but today I couldn’t even stand in that moment. I fell to the floor and cried for 3 long hours and looked through all of his things over and over again. It was like I was seeing all of his possessions for the first time after his death and I physically could not bring myself to leave his room. It has been 9 months and this is the first time this has happened to me besides in the first couple of weeks after he died. I don’t know why this is all coming out now or if this newfound sadness I feel will stay for a while. I am not an emotional person and often I am the one comforting my mother and older brother but right now I am paralyzed by sadness. I don’t have many people to talk to about my brother and even more so I don’t like talking about my brother with people because I feel like no one would understand. I guess I just want to know if there is anyone else out there that has had a similar experience to me. Usually I can block out my sadness and distract myself but today is the first time that is has been impossible for me to think of anything else. I guess I’m just looking for some direction, or some advise that could pull me out of this immense pain I am currently feeling.

Its been 3 months since my sister drank and pilled herself to death.ive found depressed writings and evidence of mental illness as far back as 9 years old while going through her things. This poor woman was the only one who couldnt see how vibrant,beautiful,intelligent, and magnetic she was. She made it 34 long years in this world. Poor thing was so alone for too damn long. I miss her so much and i hear her laugh everytime i close my eyes. My poor mother, my poor father, my poor OTHER sister. I was her brother, i was suppose to protect her. But i just wasnt close enough for this attempt. I miss her so, she was my buddy. Love you bean!

On Christmas Day my 47 year old sister decided to take her own life. No note, no warning. She lived with my mother and her 3 sons. My mother found her on the 26th.
The autopsy report finally came in a few days ago and it was a drug overdose of over 120 Prozac pills and Sudafed. At least we now know. Problem is that I and my mother are disagreeing about what to tell people. I believe in the truth. She wants to protect my sister’s image while I would love to do that my sister left us with 3 devastated young men and a legacy no family should have to bear. Her children have not seen the report and only myself and my mother know the truth. She had the autopsy results for 2 months and never told me. I finally requested a copy for myself to see what the cause was or if it was something congenital since I could barely sleep for fear of never awakening.
My mother has already started telling relatives that she had cervical cancer and that is what took her. She did not have cancer nor did she even have a cervix, she had it removed in a total hysterectomy years ago. I am so angry with my sister and I am at a lost on how to stop these lies or if it will just do more damage if I even try.

Today May 31,2017 marks the day my brother’s body was recovered from a lake.He went missing May 28 ,2014 and passed on the same day.It’s taken me awhile to post here because I still can’t accept that he took his life and in this manner.It’s been 3 years now,but it feels like yesterday.The same pain,the same longing,the same heartache,the same everything.My brother was suffering with S.A.D.,but showed no symptoms of it.I feel we let him down,we should’ve seen something and picked up on it and insisted he get help.So yes ,I feel deep regret.I also feel angry,not at my brother.Sometimes I feel I’m going mad.I’m glad I’ve found this site where I can express what’s on my mind without judgment.

My brother Dan was always someone who would make you laugh and smile with his dry witty humor. He was a two time brain tumor survivor and I was always amazed at how brave he was going through chemo and surgeries. My father started off very mentally abusive to me, my mother and then to my brother which had escalated one day I came home to a police officer telling me my father stabbed my brother which my brother had survived. My father and mother then got a divorce. I was relieved to find my father to never come back to hurt us again. Life seemed good. 8 months later My brother was suffering from depression because he felt hopeless in life. He believed brain surgeries left him to be handicapped and slow forever and also was sad at age of 31 did not have a wife and children and as independent he imagined he would have been by now. Me and my mother work 3rd shift as nurses. My mother unfortunately arrived home first as I could hear yelling inside the house thinking my brother and her were arguing but for me to walk into our living room to see a ladder and a rope hanging from banister with my lifeless brother body with her weeping next to him holding him. Aug. 26 2016 was when the worst day of my life and the last day I would ever see my brother again. The day of his death, and the two following days a black butterfly would always follow me. I research online what it could mean and I believed it was my brother saying his last goodbyes to me before his spirit crossed over. To my brother Dan I love you everyday and I hope you are chillin and laughing in heaven and for one day for us to be together again. Love you forever