So I am having a hard time coping. There is an 8 year difference between my sister and i, her being the youngest. My brother is also younger than i but has autism so i cant relate to things from his perspective. Due to the age gap, i feel i was not close to my sister at all. My family and i also had a falling out when i was 18, making her 10 at the time. I’m almost 25 now and have i guess reconciled with the family. But how does one mourn what they barely know? Is the detachment supposed to affect the grief felt? I’m just not sure about any of this.
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This may not be helpful but I know what you mean. My brother was 8 years older than me. He died at 23 making me 15. We weren’t close because of the same reason as you, the age difference. The last year or so he was including me in more things but we didn’t spend a lot of time together. It’s 12 years later and it’s very frustrating. I’m more sad now that I’m missing the “what could have been.”
For me, the detachment has caused me to almost deny his existence entirely. I’ve developed PTSD and, after moving back home from college, it’s recently gotten worse.
I suggest you find a therapist, support group, suicide workbook, etc that allows you to process the trauma you’ve experienced. Regardless of her role in your life, you lost your sister. You need to mourn that. It sounds like our situations are very similar in that we weren’t close with our siblings. You also need to mourn that you didn’t get the chance at a typical sibling relationship. That idea I had in my head of how siblings are supposed to interact (based on what I’d seen in movies and/or friends lives), has always been an issue as well.
You may find you’re okay and the grieving process wil be short for you. But don’t be afraid to revisit it from time to time to make sure no new feelings have developed.