Year and a half later and still lost

It has been a year and a half since I lost my only sibling, my older brother. Who had hung himself on the back porch of my parents house. We worked together, helped me run my business and were best friends. March 11th, 2016, my best friend, Corey and I saw our favorite comedian together. Dropped him off at my parents house that night and said goodbye and I remember looking into his eyes as I said it and he smiled. The memory is so vivid. It was that same night that he took his life…. I laid awake till 2am at my apartment alone, feeling “weird”. Woke up March 12th to a phone call from my uncle who was at my apartment to pick me up, he stated “you need to come outside and go to your parents with me….its your brother”. That is when my gut twisted and panic set in. Arriving to my parents house and hearing the truth on what happened, I lost myself in that moment. I can remember every detail of the drive there. Being with my grandparents, parents and uncle, just trying to take in the shock…. And the emergency respondents that came but were far too late to do anything, awkwardly standing around as we sob and share our last moments with him. Here I am, a year and a half later and most of the days I get by, just trying to feel normal and some days are normal but there is that part of me that is still lost. Tracing back to the steps on the last night I saw him. It is hard for my boyfriend and friends to understand why I act like I do now and I don’t even know how to explain it either. I feel alone, not wanting to tell people how deeply I still hurt. This is why I am typing this…..hoping that someone feels my pain. As a 22 year old in college, owning an auto detailing business, I feel like I am suffocating in this pain. I just miss him, as we all miss our siblings that have left us.

5 thoughts on “Year and a half later and still lost

  1. I remember for the first 6 months or so walking around with what I called a grey cloud over my head–similar to Eeyore on Winnie the Pooh. It just was always there no matter what I did. It might have lasted longer than 6 months. I also struggled with letting those close to me into my pain. I thought they wouldn’t accept it, or tell me to start moving on. When I finally started to attend survivor meetings and individual therapy, it helped me realize that no one expected me to move on and if they did, I don’t need that energy. Should we continue to move forward each day, of course, does every day have to be “wonderful”–no. You lost your older brother, I lost my younger brother–both of us are all of a sudden only children, that loss doesn’t go away. Be gentle with yourself, find healthy outlets and remember that you knew your brother your entire life, 22 years, why would you be over his death in a year and a half? Allow people into your pain. They will not understand or be able to comprehend the depth of grief but hopefully they will be supportive and help you to work through your grief journey.

  2. Thank you for sharing. I lost beloved brother in November. 11 months ago and most in my life feel I should be “over” it……. NEVER! . ???

  3. Lost my brother the same way less than a month ago.. no one saw it coming. We found him on our parents back deck as well. I often sit there and I feel close to him there for some reason. I’m so sorry for your loss.

  4. I lost my father 22 years ago and my brother 2 years ago to suicide. People say that you should be over it but the feelings are always there – anger, grief all wrapped into one – even considering joining them at times. I am sick and tired of people telling me to put it in the past and pull myself together – my brother was my best friend, my concert buddy and the one I thought would always be there for me. I feel guilt every day that I didn’t see the signs.

  5. Its been 8 months since I lost my brother, best friend. My heart will always be broken. Until someone has been through the hell we have, they have no clue.

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