It has been a year and a half since I lost my only sibling, my older brother. Who had hung himself on the back porch of my parents house. We worked together, helped me run my business and were best friends. March 11th, 2016, my best friend, Corey and I saw our favorite comedian together. Dropped him off at my parents house that night and said goodbye and I remember looking into his eyes as I said it and he smiled. The memory is so vivid. It was that same night that he took his life…. I laid awake till 2am at my apartment alone, feeling “weird”. Woke up March 12th to a phone call from my uncle who was at my apartment to pick me up, he stated “you need to come outside and go to your parents with me….its your brother”. That is when my gut twisted and panic set in. Arriving to my parents house and hearing the truth on what happened, I lost myself in that moment. I can remember every detail of the drive there. Being with my grandparents, parents and uncle, just trying to take in the shock…. And the emergency respondents that came but were far too late to do anything, awkwardly standing around as we sob and share our last moments with him. Here I am, a year and a half later and most of the days I get by, just trying to feel normal and some days are normal but there is that part of me that is still lost. Tracing back to the steps on the last night I saw him. It is hard for my boyfriend and friends to understand why I act like I do now and I don’t even know how to explain it either. I feel alone, not wanting to tell people how deeply I still hurt. This is why I am typing this…..hoping that someone feels my pain. As a 22 year old in college, owning an auto detailing business, I feel like I am suffocating in this pain. I just miss him, as we all miss our siblings that have left us.
This is not a suicide or crisis resource. Please contact a counselor, family member, friend, or emergency services if you are having suicidal thoughts.
In the USA, call:
For Deaf, Hard of Hearing, and People with Speech Disabilities who use a TTY, call 1-800-799-4TTY (4889)