You hated me telling people I called you that and you hated it when you were little or maybe you secretly liked it… I can’t ask you anymore.
You were my little brother I loved you since the day I saw you in the hospital screaming. You had everything or so we thought – family, children successful job, but it was never enough to overcome the demons that were living in your head. That day I found out you were missing I knew you had left us. I have never felt anything like it. I tried to stay strong for mom and dad and your family but deep down you had left us and I knew.
What went through your head standing on a bridge after a nice night out? Was it a split minute decision? I don’t know… what I do know is that I will miss you until the day I die. I keep waiting for you to ring and say they got it wrong but they won’t. I don’t know how to move on without you. How do you get over this? I live with knowing you were my handsome little brother and I love you. xxx…

I miss you so much bud. I still cannot figure out why someone so young would think that this was the answer. It’s only been two and a half months, but it feels like years. I swear i hear you laughing in your room at times, and everytime i do i have to check just in case you came back. I forget what happened every day, then i relive it. I love you so much buddy. The world is so much duller without you. I wish i would have known how you were feeling. I suppose it’s too late now. You changed the lives of so many people. I forgive you, and i will always love you.

mookie,
my heart is so torn right now. I cannot believe what you did and how many lives have been affected. we are all hurting now, and if anyone had known of the pain and anguish your soul was dealing with we would have helped you. I wish you would have come to me because now every part of me is desperate to hear your voice, to feel your touch, just one more day with you sister. everyone misses you. I love you so much sister and I wish there was some way to rewind the days, and maybe just maybe you would still be here now.
love always, I am broken hearted and confused,
meko

I still think about May 23rd every day and the shock and horror i felt on that day have turned into sadness, regret, and often anger. I dont know why you did what you did really, its hard to understand but at the same time i can relate to not wanting to be in this world anymore. Im so sorry i didnt realize what you were going through, I didnt see any signs, none of us did. I hate to put the blame on anyone but maybe we just werent paying enough attention when you were trying to reach out. Im so sorry i wasnt there for you. We all are. And id like to think if you could change what happened you would, and you would be here with us. But i have to accept that you are gone and just hope that you are happy and safe now. I still think about the pain you must have felt, how scared you were to disappoint mom and dad over such a little thing. They are so proud of u

I love you Spencer. Since May 2nd I haven’t ever slept a whole night, and my friends think I look tired and don’t function right because I am busy with sports and school ( I ran in state track for you, even though it was hard). I don’t have enough strength to tell them and I’m not positive I should.
I wish mom knew that I was going through the same thing, everyone worries about her the most. They don’t realize that I lost a brother, partner in crime, friends, and most importantly: a chunk of my heart. Mom says she has a hard time but she forgets about me, she says “My life is hard enough right now, and I don’t need it any harder”. She says it like I didn’t go through the same thing. Nobody asks if I am sleeping well because they know mom is on medications for everything. I wish you didn’t leave us, you make everything better. You thought of me, even when all the attention was on something else. I miss you, I love you. I just want my big brother back. Love, Your little sister

Kendralynn,

Why?! I don’t understand how or why you would leave us like you did. My heart breaks daily, reliving that night over and over. There are so many sources of help you could have reached out to. So many resources that you knew existed! Instead you chose to leave. You left everyone! We all love you and tried so many times to get you the help you needed. We tried so many times, so many different ways! Didn’t you see that? Didn’t you care about the ones you were leaving behind? I don’t understand! I miss you so much! I try so hard to come to the fact that I will never see your face again, or give you a hug and tell you I love you. My memories drift to us growing up prior to all your struggles. When we were young and carefree, playing, laughing, being happy. I would do anything for just one more day with you. Please Ken look down on us and help us! We just don’t understand, the hurt is overwhelming. Please help us!

I love you with all my heart and sole! Forever your baby sister,

Karissa

Corey,
It’s kind of ironic that I am now writing you a letter 4 months after you left your last. You explained everything, yet left no options for response or retort.

You abandoned me when you promised me you would never leave me alone in this world. You were my best friend and you threw that all away because you wouldn’t see passed your own pain. My entire world has been shattered and it will never be whole again! I hate that I can’t tell you any of this and I’m left to ponder what kind of responses you would have and how you would make me laugh for being so hurt.
I can’t believe you thought this was something that we would all accept and move on from. I can’t. I’m trying to, but every quiet moment I see you laying in your truck. I see you running around our parents’ home, making your stupid preparations, and how you were so freaking careful to make sure that you didn’t leave any painful evidence behind. Which made the pain of walking into that house all that more palpable.
I wanted a justification to me about why I needed to have this void in my life, instead all you could do was write about how the world would be a better place without you. You were never evil. I’m tired of dwelling on you and the pain you were in, but I can’t seem to let it go. I don’t want to be angry with you because if I go there I’ll never forgive you.

You were my best friend, the person who knew me better than anyone. I cherished our relationship. I finally had a big brother and you left me alone. You couldn’t be honest with me, and you were always honest with me. Now I’m left with a brother who could care less what’s going on in my world, and a sister that doesn’t really know I exist beyond what she needs out of me. I’m alone with no hope of having a friend as a sibling.
Every day, since the day I was born, you were there. Always there. And now you’re not, and you made that choice. To leave me. You chose that I was nothing. I had no importance. You Abandoned me. I think of your precious daughter all the time, and what her life will be without you. It’s not better. It’s not ok.

I keep calling your friends and fixating on the time in our life when we were living together. Somehow it makes me feel like there’s a piece of you that I’m getting back. Which is SOOO stupid. I actually considered trying to get into our old apartment and just sit in it. I want to feel you around me, but I don’t. It’s like I’m just nothing, nor was I ever. I hate this, and I love you!

My entire soul aches just to be in your presence. We don’t have to talk, we don’t have to touch. Just knowing you are there is all I need. I’ll never get that again and it sucks.

I love you with every fiber of my being. I’ll miss you forever!

Your loving and desperate sister
Carrie

December 10, 2015. You took a bottle of sleeping pills and never woke up. I remember hearing my mom screaming from the emergency room when they said you were gone as I stood outside and dropped to the ground. It felt like the world had stopped and shattered into a million pieces. You were so tired weren’t you? So tired from fighting your depression and anxiety and eating disorders and body dysmorphia. You wanted to get better so badly and I hoped that one day you would be able to overcome it all. You were only 15, so young and so beautiful. You were too good for this cruel world and my life will never be the same without you. I miss you so much and I still feel like you’re coming back and this is all a bad dream. Mom and dad miss you so much it hurts me to see how broken they are without you. I try to keep telling myself that you’re happy and you’re finally the person you were always meant to be. I look forward to the day I get to hold you again and hear your laugh. I will always love you and I will live for you and be strong for you.

Until next time, my angel.

Dear James, Hey big brother. Words have nevee been able to express the feelings your loss has brought. In some ways it destroyed me and in other ways it made me stronger. On June 12, 2005 I left my phone in the other room and they had to come banging on gwens door to find me to tell me the new, i will never forget that moment, how my heart dropped. I also cant sleep with out my phone next to me now in fear that something bad will happen and i will be too late. I had sent you a message that night saying “i love you jimmy pop” i dont even know if you ever got it. I have always hoped you did not cause thinking you saw it and still followed through would only destroy me more. June 13th is my birthday that year i spent it with loved ones and friends but not doing something fun, we made arraingments for your cremation, not how i planned at all. Almost 11 years have passed and you took those years from me. I pray you see the woman i have become, i pray you are proud of me, i pray you and mom are together. I love you jimmy pop

Evan,
I wish it was 16 months ago, I would have a chance to do things right. i guess I had years though…could have at least made a concerted effort, tried. Self absorption. I’m sure I cant imagine what you went through, and the alienation you must have felt. I am extremely angry at our parents, for many reasons. But I am way more angry at myself. Anyway, I dont want you to have to worry about any of us. Chris is the only innocent one of, if you must worry about someone, worry about him. fish, rest, meditate. I love you, punk.