Hey Helen,

Remember that Thanksgiving Day when Ma threw the roasted turkey on the kitchen floor & Georgia dutifully picked it up to rinse it & i said to you “Let’s go to the Howard Johnson’s for chicken sandwiches”? I floored the ’63 Ford Galaxie’s gas pedal & we yelled “sayonara.” Someday in the by & by we will meet & you will finally laugh with me about it.

R.I.P, dearest Helenaki.

I just don’t understand what happened. It has been 6 years and I still don’t get it. You took your own life and decided to take our mother along. Wishing we could spend an hour to make me get it. Am still just feeling like it was just a nightmare.

Sandy,
Your mental illness was a great strain to our family. It was not your fault. We have such a hard time with the mental health system, though. They let you be free to make your own deluded decisions. What ridiculous laws we have. I look at your photo and see someone gentle and quiet and respectful. And then I know the monster you became through some strange biochemical imbalance. This illness destroyed you, and caused you to try to destroy others via your imbalanced thinking. Ultimately it caused you to take your life. Was it deliberate, an attempt to cease all your troubling thoughts? Or was it fear….fear of your food being contaminated, fear of leaving your room, fear of leaving your home? Ultimately, I know you suffered greatly and for this I feel so so sad. Should I have come to you and said”take your pills, I take mine?” I feel so sad for our dad, who wanted to help you so very much. He keeps thinking of all the ways you could have been helped, if only we had known what dire straights you were in. But you cut us out. You thought we were the enemy. But we loved you. Your delusions were the enemy. You became such a bad mom since you were so afraid of strange things. yet Evelyn is so lovely. May she recover entirely from your extreme bad parenting (after such good parenting previously). I don’t know where you are now. You never claimed allegiance to Christ. So, are you burning in a hell that is worse than what you experienced here on earth, or are you in a more peaceful place, rescued by our God who always rescues those, like children, who cannot make a clear choice for him? I really really hope that Our Jesus has been merciful to you, one who claimed to reject him in earlier years.

It’s been four months since you left, and I keep wondering what I could have done differently. I don’t know how to be there for mom or dad. How could I? I wasn’t there for you, I didn’t know you wanted to die. I’m your little sister, you were supposed to call me when things weren’t okay. You were my best friend, but now you’re gone. And my world is crumbling around me. Please, please tell me what I do now. How do I go on and hold my family together? In what world do I continue breathing after you’ve already ceased. I love you I miss you Merry Christmas bubba.

It’s been 18 months since you left
And life has no purpose .
Why Vince how did I not pick up on this
And why did we argue that morning do you know how it feels that my last words to you alive were angry .
Please understand I didn’t mean the things I said and I would never turn my back on you I was just angry .
Mum and dad are doing OK dad visits your grave often mum can’t .
I haven’t been to the tree recently I put your birthday card on your grave this year and I promise I’ll get there before Christmas I’ll put your Christmas present there .
Vince my heart hurts and I really need you .you promised you wouldn’t leave you left so many broken people behind if only you could of understood how loved and needed you were .
Anyway love you to the moon and back
Kym ( your rather angry big sister )

Dear Benjamin,

It’s been a month and 4 days since your passing and I still feel the same as I did when I received the call that you were no longer with us anymore. I feel lost. I know we were never close and I never was the older sister you should have received but nothing can take the amount of love I’ve always had for you and I wish you just saw that. I miss you everyday and I promise to bring you with me wherever I go in life because I feel so lost without you and this is really hard on me. I love you so much.

My view: I often wonder what lead you to this choice ,but I know you didn’t mean to hurt anyone. I’ve read online most people who commit suicide aren’t thinking straight I’m sure that’s true. When I found out you died I kept thinking how could this be true or how could this happen. I think the time was 8:10 pm on 8/31 when I was on the phone trying to call in work I saw a police officer arrive I was on the porch at the time. Dad was upstairs on his bedroom deck everyone else was inside. I had went inside to get a pen to write down my supervisors number down. The police officer was inside telling us that they had found your body in your apartment. Given that at this time I was still on the phone nervously trying to write down a number so I didn’t hear what he actually said I could just tell from others reaction that you had died. Right at that moment I back outside and fell to the ground and cried. I don’t remember the officer walking past me but I saw his car leaving later. I don’t think I was outside for that long just a couple minutes I came back inside not sure what happened after. I remembered getting hugged from mom and Dan I remember just sitting there staring at the wall. Ben arrived later on, he called uncle Scott and left to get sleeping pills and Gatorade. Not too long after he left Kaylei arrived I was outside listening either Ray Charles or Sam Cooke . Then dad started to call his siblings in Texas and tell them that you had died. We had Skylar’s dad bring grandma to the condo. We all sat around wonder how could this happen to you. I felt sick to my stomach and thought I was going to throw up so I went back outside. I had gotten a hold of my supervisor and tried to get words that my brother had died she just told me to breath and not to worry about anything. I’m not sure what time I left for home it must have been 11 or something. I had Beth in my room. I tried to sleep but couldn’t I still felt sick so I took a shower at 2 or 3 am. Then went to sleep for a little. Then woke up next thing I know we were at Safeway at 7 am to get gas Beth got me Hot chocolate and Banana Bread. I remember looking around at the register wondering how people could be so happy. I’m not sure what happened after that but we went back to the condo I still wasn’t hungry that lasted for a day or two. I remembered about a letter you had written me so I looked all over for I was surprised how much cards I’ve kept over the years. I finally found and just started crying. It was a thank letter to me about helping out at your fundraiser before you went to India. I really don’t remember that ,but I do remember having some sort of function at Harvest I guess it was that. I went to a Football game with a friend we got there late and sat on the visitor side I’m glad we did because I didn’t want to see any of your friends. They didn’t know you had died yet. After the football game we went back to my friends house so she could get some clothes then we went to my aunt and uncle’s house Kaylei had been pet sitting. We ordered pizza and tried to hook up their TV. I finally got it working on the Xbox we watched The Incredibles although we fell asleep before it was over. Pretty much slept most of that night and day with their giant dog on top of me.That I went back to work at 10p -6a. Anytime someone said sorry for your loss to me or talked about you I just thought oh yeah that really did happen I still feel you could come around the corner at anytime. It’s been weird watching Christmas videos that I took or listening to that voice message you left me before your going away party.
A Stranger’s view: I often wonder what that officer in Ohio felt when she found you after she had been talking to dad. Must have been a surreal moment finding someone else kid that live from the other side of the country. I wonder how long you had been dead when she found you. I think about all the police officers there paramedics (if there were any). Or if people crowded around or drove past what did they think. Did they know what happened to you? Did they know you weren’t from around here and that your family were in Washington? I wonder if they saw them bring your body wondering who you were and what happened. Did they know that we had no idea yet. Did they say a pray for you or for us.

I can’t breathe without you gabi. I miss you so much, I can’t go to the house it’s unbearable. I can’t keep seeing mom cry. I just want you back more than anything take me in your place. You were MY little sister my best friend and I should have been there I should have done something. I’m so sorry I ever moved away to college I’m so sorry I didn’t know you were on that medication I’m so sorry I couldn’t save you. I’m sorry about Sam and Kelsey those backstabbing pieces of shit. I’m so sorry I didn’t know gabi. I hang out with you every weekend and I should have known. I wish I could hug you again and here you tell me you love me. I wish I could here your music coming from your room again. I wish we were kids again and could do it all over. It’s been 3 weeks since you left me and I will never be the same. How am I suppose to keep what’s left of our little family. I’m all that’s left and mom and dad probably aren’t going to stay together now and they want to sell the house. I just can’t do all of this Gabi I can’t. Your 16th birthday is next Monday and I’m just so broken I was the first person that took your driving. I know you didn’t want to do this Gabi I know you were just angry and hurt and the meds gave you the push to do it. I so badly want to take this back want to wake up from this terrible nightmare. I miss you gabi I miss you so much and I love you so much. Just please come back to me I just want to be able to see you again and hug you. Please Gabi.

You wasn’t happy, I should of known you would kill yourself. It’s funny to think that everything is okay and I can be strong for mum and dad but I can’t. I’m so sad, I cry to myself everyday just remembering you. The huge cuts I saw across your arm as we washed up dirty dishes a few weeks before you decided to leave my life forever. I know i’m an idiot, I wasn’t a great younger sister but I have looked up to you my whole life. You were everything I wished to be and now you’re gone. The sadness in this house never fades as dad hides his emotions, mum loses herself and I become more depressed. I guess it’s best that you’re not sad anymore but this family will never be the same.

Ash….I can tell you what’s been happening but I have a feeling you see it. I’ve made mistakes but I’ve done so much good and given my all. This world is that much more tough without you. We spoke, we argued, a year passed, and the next time I saw you was at the viewing. I just wanted one more day with you and you came to me in that dream. We just sat back and talked. You’re welcomed at any time of the day or during my sleep to come back lol. The memories of you will never fade. With everything happening right now I feel you looking over me and sometimes I feel like you’re sitting right across from me. You’ve made me stronger and weaker at the same time. You’ve made me want to succeed in everything and at the same time give up. The most important thing I’ve learned from you is to cherish the moments and embrace the present. THANK YOU for being you. We are brothers throughout eternity and nothing will break that bond. We all miss you and please stay close to me. I need you everyday. I know I’m not the only one that loves you. You saw and felt the pain we all have endured through this past year. See you again one day. I love you.