To my brother,

We haven’t talked or seen each other in four and a half years. I miss the relationship we had, our similar yet completely opposite personalities, our witty and sarcastic retorts to one another, even our not so subtle disagreements, or better word for it, “fights”. You left at the worst time. You were almost finished high school and I was just starting, you were supposed to continue to be the annoyingly overprotective brother, we would avoid each other when we would pass each other at school, give me advice on subjects, teachers, life… Then you were supposed to meet my boyfriend or girlfriend, be intimidating and that stereotypical big brother act, be at my high school graduation, my university graduation, my 21st and me be at your high school graduation, your university graduation, and your 21st, and be at my wedding and me at yours and so many many many other things. There were so much that could have been, that should’ve been and now all of that is just an unrealistic dream… I love you and miss you constantly. You are, as I will never say ‘you were’, my brother.

Your sister.

I miss you so much. It’s been 11 months since you died and I feel like you took a piece of me with you. It wasn’t supposed happen. You were supposed to have a life. 23 years isn’t enough. I know the river runs into the ocean, but I don’t want to be stuck in the Rapids anymore.

I love you so much brother.
-your twin

Hi Azizam,
It’s been more than a month later and I almost wish time didn’t move on. I wish I wasn’t so far from you and away from your soul. I miss you incredibly. Your beautiful life was too short and I get angry about that. I wish life wasn’t so unfair. I don’t know why these things happen to such innocent, kind people. You are the light of my life. Omram. You truly are and will remain to be forever. I miss your sweet voice and kind words of encouragement to me. I wish I could’ve been there for you more in the last few months. I should have flown down every weekend to be with you. I don’t know why I didn’t. I should have just quit my job and moved down. I was going to when I got the call that morning. I said, this is it, I need to be by my brother and nothing can stop me. I was too late. The pain was too much. I wanted to take away every pain you ever felt. I was supposed to be the first to go, not you. You are younger than me. You deserved this life more than anyone I know. It still hurts the same Azizam. I feel emptiness wherever I go. It will never change, I am a different me without you. I have to be. You are my light. My light feels dimmed. I wish for more signs that you can send to me. I know you were in pain, but I never thought this. I never wished this. I miss you and care about you even more, the pain increases, but then more love is filled with your thoughts, memories, things you liked… Stay close to me wherever I go. I hope to see you soon Azizam and play like we used to. Love you forever and ever.
Your Best friend,
Tash

1974, you flew like a bird of the bridge. Our cousin, Linda, took sleeping pills three weeks before. You went to join her. I thought they would have a cure for suicide by the time I reached this age. I was wrong. I will write and scream to ensure your deaths did not go in vain. We must love each other. RIP: Danny, Linda and Willow

Hey Helen,

Remember that Thanksgiving Day when Ma threw the roasted turkey on the kitchen floor & Georgia dutifully picked it up to rinse it & i said to you “Let’s go to the Howard Johnson’s for chicken sandwiches”? I floored the ’63 Ford Galaxie’s gas pedal & we yelled “sayonara.” Someday in the by & by we will meet & you will finally laugh with me about it.

R.I.P, dearest Helenaki.

I just don’t understand what happened. It has been 6 years and I still don’t get it. You took your own life and decided to take our mother along. Wishing we could spend an hour to make me get it. Am still just feeling like it was just a nightmare.

Sandy,
Your mental illness was a great strain to our family. It was not your fault. We have such a hard time with the mental health system, though. They let you be free to make your own deluded decisions. What ridiculous laws we have. I look at your photo and see someone gentle and quiet and respectful. And then I know the monster you became through some strange biochemical imbalance. This illness destroyed you, and caused you to try to destroy others via your imbalanced thinking. Ultimately it caused you to take your life. Was it deliberate, an attempt to cease all your troubling thoughts? Or was it fear….fear of your food being contaminated, fear of leaving your room, fear of leaving your home? Ultimately, I know you suffered greatly and for this I feel so so sad. Should I have come to you and said”take your pills, I take mine?” I feel so sad for our dad, who wanted to help you so very much. He keeps thinking of all the ways you could have been helped, if only we had known what dire straights you were in. But you cut us out. You thought we were the enemy. But we loved you. Your delusions were the enemy. You became such a bad mom since you were so afraid of strange things. yet Evelyn is so lovely. May she recover entirely from your extreme bad parenting (after such good parenting previously). I don’t know where you are now. You never claimed allegiance to Christ. So, are you burning in a hell that is worse than what you experienced here on earth, or are you in a more peaceful place, rescued by our God who always rescues those, like children, who cannot make a clear choice for him? I really really hope that Our Jesus has been merciful to you, one who claimed to reject him in earlier years.

It’s been four months since you left, and I keep wondering what I could have done differently. I don’t know how to be there for mom or dad. How could I? I wasn’t there for you, I didn’t know you wanted to die. I’m your little sister, you were supposed to call me when things weren’t okay. You were my best friend, but now you’re gone. And my world is crumbling around me. Please, please tell me what I do now. How do I go on and hold my family together? In what world do I continue breathing after you’ve already ceased. I love you I miss you Merry Christmas bubba.

It’s been 18 months since you left
And life has no purpose .
Why Vince how did I not pick up on this
And why did we argue that morning do you know how it feels that my last words to you alive were angry .
Please understand I didn’t mean the things I said and I would never turn my back on you I was just angry .
Mum and dad are doing OK dad visits your grave often mum can’t .
I haven’t been to the tree recently I put your birthday card on your grave this year and I promise I’ll get there before Christmas I’ll put your Christmas present there .
Vince my heart hurts and I really need you .you promised you wouldn’t leave you left so many broken people behind if only you could of understood how loved and needed you were .
Anyway love you to the moon and back
Kym ( your rather angry big sister )

Dear Benjamin,

It’s been a month and 4 days since your passing and I still feel the same as I did when I received the call that you were no longer with us anymore. I feel lost. I know we were never close and I never was the older sister you should have received but nothing can take the amount of love I’ve always had for you and I wish you just saw that. I miss you everyday and I promise to bring you with me wherever I go in life because I feel so lost without you and this is really hard on me. I love you so much.