To my big brother

It’s been four months since you left, and I keep wondering what I could have done differently. I don’t know how to be there for mom or dad. How could I? I wasn’t there for you, I didn’t know you wanted to die. I’m your little sister, you were supposed to call me when things weren’t okay. You were my best friend, but now you’re gone. And my world is crumbling around me. Please, please tell me what I do now. How do I go on and hold my family together? In what world do I continue breathing after you’ve already ceased. I love you I miss you Merry Christmas bubba.

7 thoughts on “To my big brother

  1. Hello I lost my big brother 5 years ago and I dont know how to deal with even 5 years on my parents will never be same again if you would like to talk that could help us both x life goes on sadly and I wish I had someone to talk to so you should do it now it doesnt get better xx

  2. I lost my brother on 11/3/16 so i understand what you are going through. I currently live with my parents. Like you I ask how can I be there for my parents when I’m just trying to make it through each day myself? My dad says “I can’t keep talking about it” and my mom and I say “well if we can’t talk about it with you or each other then who do we talk to?” My parents have been happily married almost 40 years. I worry this will change their relationship. I worry that I’m not expressing myself and just trying to keep busy. How does one cope with the loss of a sibling? The circumstances surrounding his death are questionable— was it suicide or just a tragic solo car accident. I haven’t brought myself to visit the accident site but my parents did last weekend—this confirmed their suspicions of suicide. His long time girlfriend of over 8 years later revealed some frightening comments he made just a few days prior to Nov 3….oh the guilt she must feel? Why didn’t I say something to his parents (my parents)? so many whys and no answers.

    I understand your pain! I need someone to talk to who understands and relates to what I am going through. Please reach out to me.

    1. My brother took his own life 2011/11/18. Perhaps your Dad hasn’t accepted it yet. I was the same. I told my boss that I will come back to work on one condition that nobody is allowed to ask me questions or say sorry. It was like in my head I didn’t want to accept it an by keeping busy and not talking about it I didn’t remind myself that he was no longer in our physical world.

  3. My Dad still gets angry at my Mom for crying and they blame each other. Don’t do what I did. I was so mad that I accused my parents and blamed them for his depression and his suicide. That hurt them so deeply and it helped nobody. It is nobody’s fault. I blamed myself for a long time. We were very close but lived in different cities. We spent about 2 hours a day talking everyday. 4 days before he did it he called me and said sis I am so tired… not sleep tired but just tired from life. He said I just can’t do it anymore. I have a few bottles of tablets and I want to drink them and never wake up again. We both have ( I think born with) depression and we often wanted to die but on the days that I couldn’t he picked me up (over the phone) and the days he couldn’t I picked him up. We ended the conversation and I immediately went to my boss and arranged for 2 weeks leave. I couldn’t get immediate leave. I had a.very senior position (another regret) I should have just the building and caught the next flight to my brother. My 2 weeks leave was used to arrange his funeral. This was so awful now I could get emergency leave but when my brother needed it I couldn’t go. I had to identify my brother and I sat next to him in this cold mortuary and I opened him up to just below his chest to give him a hug and to speak to him and pray for him.I placed my hand on his ice cold chest and goosebumps of my hand print appeared under my hand on his skin. It was my last moments with him and I think ( somehow) he was acknowledging my presence. I cried so much writing this as I don’t like talking about it. I still miss him and this might sound crazy but I sometimes talk to him and I can feel his presence. My advice is to do whatever makes it easier for you without of course hurting yourself (can’t do that to my parents X 2) if you feel like talking to your brother and express anger love and sadness then do it. Yesterday I was in tears because I was looking for something and found my brothers ID book with a huge deseased stamp on every page and I started crying. My son who is 8 said are you crying about uncle werner again and I said yes boy but let’s listen to some music to be I turned the radio on justin Bieber song was “is it too late to say I am sorry” and my son said mom see uncle werner is saying sorry. It was kind of freaky but it settled me immediately. It is probably coincidence but I don’t care. It works for me.

  4. I lost my brother on 12/27 to suicide and it was violent and horrific. We are reeling and broken hearted. I have teen children and a loving husband but I shattered. I do not want to deal with my life. I just want to be sad, but my life goes on. My parents are destroyed and our family’s grief is palpable. I just do t know how we will continue and yet I know there is life. We will honor our brother but live w sadness forever.

  5. Its been 6 years 2 months and 21 days. My brother shot himself in a drunken stupor over an argument with a current girlfriend. The last conversation was full of hatred and idk but that was and is the hardest thing to overcome. With that conversation in mind there is nothing but anger and it eats at me. The failure i have become? Or the failure i have always been? Or is it me just fulfilling a prophecy because i dont have the strength to say I’m worthy of happiness? Or worthy of success. I don’t feel self worth, maybe I’m just copping out by being a pussy or overly sensitive. The answers don’t exist in black and white. They never will.

  6. I know the feeling; the questions you have are the exact same questions I still ask, even four and a half years later: “he was so young why would he do this?”, “what could I have done?”, “I should have done something!”, “I am his sister, I should have known!”. It’s hard to accept, to be honest I don’t know if I ever will accept what happened. But all I wanted to respond to you is that you are definitely not alone. I am so sorry for the loss of your big brother. From my own experience, I definitely know that they, just like any sibling, are a huge part of your life and are supposed to be there for you in almost every aspect of your life. So again I am so sorry for you and your family’s loss.

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