you had been so gentle

Your mental illness was a great strain to our family. It was not your fault. We have such a hard time with the mental health system, though. They let you be free to make your own deluded decisions. What ridiculous laws we have. I look at your photo and see someone gentle and quiet and respectful. And then I know the monster you became through some strange biochemical imbalance. This illness destroyed you, and caused you to try to destroy others via your imbalanced thinking. Ultimately it caused you to take your life. Was it deliberate, an attempt to cease all your troubling thoughts? Or was it fear….fear of your food being contaminated, fear of leaving your room, fear of leaving your home? Ultimately, I know you suffered greatly and for this I feel so so sad. Should I have come to you and said”take your pills, I take mine?” I feel so sad for our dad, who wanted to help you so very much. He keeps thinking of all the ways you could have been helped, if only we had known what dire straights you were in. But you cut us out. You thought we were the enemy. But we loved you. Your delusions were the enemy. You became such a bad mom since you were so afraid of strange things. yet Evelyn is so lovely. May she recover entirely from your extreme bad parenting (after such good parenting previously). I don’t know where you are now. You never claimed allegiance to Christ. So, are you burning in a hell that is worse than what you experienced here on earth, or are you in a more peaceful place, rescued by our God who always rescues those, like children, who cannot make a clear choice for him? I really really hope that Our Jesus has been merciful to you, one who claimed to reject him in earlier years.

2 thoughts on “you had been so gentle

  1. Reading this almost felt like an attack. first i would like to reassure you that the bible says that the righteous and unrighteous will be resurrected for the rapture and be judged then. i have had mental illness all my life, alienated people and have terrible anxiety. for 16 yrs now i have thought of killing myself since im like 9yrs old. im 32 now. it is a lifelong battle that MY YOUNGER BROTHER JEFF just lost on oct 8 2016. he shot himself. when you feel it, you just feel it. the most lonely in a world so full of ppl. but you just can’t find reason or feel belonging. it’s a harder life than you could know. i have been in the mental hospital like 16 times in my life. i have been around ppl like your sandy. i bet she was great. i read all the posts here and yours is the first i posted on.

  2. Hi Mike,
    I lost my sister two days ago. She too struggled with mental health issues. I’m so sorry that post upset you. It upset me too. I love you. Don’t know you, but I love you. Keep fighting. Never give up. We are devastated by our loss.

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