Subject: To Steve, my brother and friend

It has been 2 months today since I lost my brother. He took his life without anyone knowing he was in such a dark place. I have read on here that in time life returns to some kind of norm, and also read it will suck forever. I pray that it does get better as I have 3 kids and a wife that count on me to live a life that won’t see me constantly depressed about this. I wrote a poem that helped me to cope for now and I worry I may never feel good again. Like so many others here is the unanswered questions I face and just the permanence of it that hurts so much. I pray now for everyone who has had to deal with these sad emotions. I also pray we all see or loved ones again some day.
To mention your pooch Steve I know you loved him so much
Now I will say this as they won’t post my words.
But maybe it’s better for it to be heard.
This is to my beloved younger brother Steve.
Your number’s been called so now you must leave.
Our time on this earth, it’s gone by way too fast.
The emptiness we all feel
is something so vast.
So many words to tell you now all left unsaid.
I should’ve spent more time with you Bro,
now regrets fill my head.
A better friend to you I’d wished I’d been.
You’ve now opened my eyes to my selfishness within.
You’d speak only good things about the people you knew.
And save all the bad words for yourself, how that’s true.
You and I’d never fight, I couldn’t think of one time.
In fact, to me, you were never unkind.
So I heard you’re the favored uncle, but that don’t make me mad.
I hope that you knew that if not now you have.
It’s not just us folk who are feeling for you.
But your poor Lucky dog is feeling blue too.
It is you I say Steve, that was truly great.
You would say “No bro”
But I’d say “damn straight”
Your time at Ball Corp did really stand out.
You had mad Cad skills my brother of that there’s no doubt.
Mechanical design challenges you would always embrace.
The fine work you’ve done still flies out in space.
How proud you were of your accomplishments there too.
NPP, OMPS, and Deep Impact to name but a few.
I just found out from dad, you were an inventor as well.
Humble you were, for you didn’t tell.
Or maybe you would’ve but I just wasn’t there.
Please know now Steve I really did care.
Then illness set in and took you right down.
Bad times were ahead, it made us all frown.
How tragic it is and will always be.
For your full potential that we’d never see.
Heart breaking it was to see you in pain.
You took it in stride and rarely complained.
So sad that it was, to see your hurt grow.
You suffered so much but how much we don’t know.
You were truly blest, to have Carol and Jack.
They were there for you Bro and that Loves not an act.
You fought your way up from your struggles endured.
Your parents played a big part of that is for sure.
Remarkable it was to pull yourself back.
From the hand you were dealt from a very bad stack.
It shows a great strength
As we saw you rebound.
It warmed all our hearts to see you up and around.
It makes it that much harder to see it all end.
You were my brother, Bro! but also my friend.
And I let you down and I know that I did.
It’s for me now Steve that I hope you forgive.
Our hearts are all broken and in need of repair.
But it will take some time as we feel much despair.
My kids haven’t seen me in tears so they say,
Now for awhile they’ll see it each day.
Our family so loved you but no time for good byes.
You now know that’s true, to see how we’ve cried.
I’ll tell you now I’m forever changed.
For life here without you just won’t be the same.
I’m rambling here cause I’m up very late.
For since you have left us our sleeps not been great.
I believe now that you’re in Heaven above.
And I’m sure in due time our pain is just love.
I said some bad words so I had to edit it.
But now that I voice this,
This is fucked up sad shit!
I’m sorry! So sorry but those words really fit.
Now they’ve been said and
I know that you’d smile.
If that’s the case then it makes it worthwhile.
I’ll say this too, Steve does not want us sad.
Celebrate his good times instead, of that he’d be glad.
It took me too long to write you a rhyme.
It may be because I’d thought I’d more time.
But then you were gone.
It’s so hard to believe.
Now you’ve left earth,
and it’s Heaven that’s received.
Such a great person, and so very nice.
And to anyone who hears this then here’s my advice.
Take time to tell loved ones how much that they mean.
As you never know when fate intervenes.
I didn’t for Steve.
Cause I dragged my feet.
So now I so grieve and feel incomplete.
If I’d only told him what he’d meant to me.
Then may be he’d a realized how special he be.
For you were gentle , and so very kind.
I wish I was more like you,
That’s been on my mind.
I think that I’ll change and be kinder to others.
And be a better person because of you brother.
I’ll end this here soon and leave you in peace.
Now you know how I feel so I feel some relief.
God wants you now so we’ll stand aside.
He really knows best so we’ll just have to abide.
I pray for you Stephen that you Rest In Peace.
I feel assured now that Gods Angels numbers increased.
You have gone first but we’ll all go there too.
We’ll all be together when our lives’ are through.
But that’s not really the end when we all depart.
But only the beginning
It’s paradise that will start.
And with that I’ll just say…
“Stephen, We’ll all see you again one day”
Love to you always
My Brother, my friend!
Peace,
Out Brau

Subject: Remembering Lee and Luke

Tomorrow 12/12 marks my brother Lee’s suicide, although it was ruled accidental. Prior I lost my other brother Luke in a car accident ruled as a suicide. While it has been 16 years without Luke and 6 without Lee that isn’t the hardest. The hardest is being the sole survivor of the trio of us. I was the one who was always suicidal and in and out of the hospital. In fact when I first learned of Luke’s death in 2000 I said something like it is supposed to be me and something about him even dying on the cliff I intended to jump from. I am only recently starting to grieve. I have been in denial for all this time. It has been very difficult lately. It is just me and my 3 teens. When they move on I will be alone (I do not get along with my parents anymore). I am feeling this more and more everyday.It’s crushing me!

My day turned upside down on the 12th of November. My sister was found hung in a park nearby – we knew she had some problems but clearly there were a lot more to it than this – which was brought to our attention after her death. Me and my sister were very close – I’m not angry for what she did – I just wish I went with my gut feeling more and went to see her when she invited me down to visit. Her service was on Friday and I just find myself wanting to be in my own space. I’m angry I’m the only child and never want to be treated like one – I’m angry because the demon chose my sister and made her feel it was the last resort. Is it unusual to want your own space?

It’s been almost 10 years since she hung herself. The pain is still there; I doubt it ever goes away.

My little brother Dalton James decided to end his pain on Sept. 16, 2016. He was 28. Our older brother was the first one contacted and he immediately called me first. I was celebrating my birthday with friends and he knew he couldn’t tell me while I was not in a sober state. When I called him the next morning, he broke the news to me that Dalton had ended his life. To this day I am still in denial. Knowing my older brother had to bear this information by himself all night is heart breaking. I had to tell my older sister, and that was the hardest phone call of my life.
Dalton was so unbelievably smart and so nice and caring. He loved learning and was a genius with computers. He never went to college for that, but rather taught himself. I wish more than anything that I could see and talk to him again. I have all our text messages still and I read them often.
The worst part is not knowing if he was happy, sad, scared, mad or relieved right before he pulled the trigger. Knowing that he left this life alone and in this manner makes my heart so utterly broken. No words can describe the pain.

I have his baby ‘Artemis’ (a besenji) with me now. I know Dalton would be so happy knowing he’s in a good home. He hates loud noises that resemble a gun shot; I just hope he didn’t see Dalton after his death.

We love you Salty Dalty!! You will forever be missed. I know it would be selfish to expect him to live just so we won’t be sad. I wish I could’ve taken all of his mental anguish away. I wish I could have one more hug. The last hug I got, I didn’t let go for a long time. I love you, with all my heart <3

Brother, my only sibling, I am now alone with no other siblings to share the rest of my life with. It’s been 2 yrs now,it’s like time stands still,though its moving forward. I keep replaying in my mind what happened that fateful day and WHY. So many unanswered questions still linger and will remain that way,unanswered. I read recently that your anguish is over,but it was passed to us and so how TRUE. There’s so much more to say here,but for now,I LOVE and MISS YOU and my heart is sad.

Love your sister

On October 23, 2016, just 17 days after his 35th birthday, my brother took his life. When I first received the news that he was gone, I was in the middle of a store and collapsed. I sobbed uncontrollably and was inconsolable. I spoke to him less than 24 hours before his death and one of the last things he said to me was that once our parents were gone all we would have would be each other. So to think that the next day he would leave me here in this world like that was a swift kick in the gut.
My brother and I have had our challenges. We didn’t speak often because he had a temper and could be very hot and cold sometimes. However, there has never been a day that I doubted his love for me and I know he knows I loved him so very much. But to protect my mental and emotional health, I had to build boundaries around how I communicated with him and my mother. Now I feel so guilty that I didn’t try harder to talk to him more often. I feel guilty that I didn’t try harder to get him to address his problems. I feel guilty that I didn’t tell him I loved him more often. I always assumed we would have time to fix our relationship. I thought there was time for things to improve in his life. WE WERE SUPPOSED TO HAVE MORE TIME.
Not only am I sad…not only do I feel guilty…but I am mad. I am mad that he has left me like this. I am mad that he has left his son without a father. I am mad that he has hurt our mom in such a terrible way. I am mad that he didn’t take the time to reach out to me and ask for help. I am mad that I didn’t sense that this was coming. I am mad that I didn’t sense when he left this world. I am mad that the world has the nerve to keep going on day after day like nothing has happened. I honestly don’t know what I am supposed to do. I don’t know what I am supposed to feel. I don’t know how I am supposed to continue to move forward. All I know is that I was told that I have to live. So that is what I do day in and day out. I get up and move through my day wondering if my brother can see me. Wondering if he is at peace. Wondering if he would change his mind if given another chance. I can’t make any promises that I will ever be okay. I can only promise that I will try to not meet the same fate.

Dear Shawn…
Last night i worked a 16 hour shift on the same hall that i received the call three weeks ago.. I stood in that same spot… Remembering the agony i felt when my cousin called me to tell me you had hung yourself..i just keep asking why??? Why didnt u leave a note? Dodnt you care how you would hurt me??? I may be taking this too personally but im so angry at you for not seeing the pain you would put me through with these actions.. Im angry at you for leaving two beautiful lttle boys fatherless even after knowing how it felt to never have a father. Im angry at you for not telling me u were sad. Im angry at myself for not calling u the second before you did it. Im angry that you planned itfor two days.. Yet never said goodbye. Im angry that i didnt know in my heqrt something was wrong.. Im angry that i wasnt there for you.. Im angry that u would threaten any man that if he broke my heart you would brake his face but npw you have broken me more than anyone ever could. Im angry because you changed me the minute i found out. Im angry because i imagine your body hanging from that tree everyday. I just want u to come back… I want to beg you to come back to me but i knowyou cant.. Im so desperate i have begged god to brimg you back even though your body has already been cremated. Im angry cause ur girlfriend that u were only with three months is playing the greiving widow. Im angry at your mother for not shedding a tear at your funeral. I want to hate you!!!! Why would you do this to your baby sister? Why would you do this to your baby boys? I just want you back bubby!!!
-all my love

My name is Kim and my brother killed himself this past Wednesday night November 23, 2016. I happened to be at my moms when I got the call and heard that my brother was in an accident. I knew he had done something. I could tell in my sister in laws moms voice when she told me. He shot himself and he is dead. He was fighting with his wife and in a moment of rage and impulse killed himself in the house were my four year old niece was and his wife. I am sick and I and my mother have been trying to find somewhere someone we can talk to. So far not luck right but it’s only Monday. It’s only Monday but it feels like it’s the night I found out. I had to tell my ten year old he died her uncle whom she loved so much. I had to go see his body at the funeral home and just cry and ask why? I have this constant pain and can’t stop thinking about it!

I remember my innocence, I remember being blissfully naive about life past, present and future.
I remember just starting high school, thinking it was cool to have to older,popular brothers who would walk up to me and say hi, I thought that would make me ‘popular adjacent’. I would pass you by in school but try to ignore to keep this ‘cool’ image but felt complete happiness when you would acknowledge me in front of your friends. But then as soon as we returned home you would drive me insane! We would communicate only through sarcasm and wit, sometimes yell and try to beat each other up (usually when it came to the TV remote) but at the end of the day we knew that we were siblings who loved each other, never said it but we didn’t need to. I remember being jealous of your popularity and academics, how you were friends with practically everyone, I strived to be like that. But because of that I became blind to what actually was going on, you would be upset and get into fights with mother because you had a job and your friends were taking advantage of that and your generosity, I didn’t bat an eye when in the car driving to school you were discussing doctor/ councillor appointments I assumed it had something to do with his heart (he had a heart condition and I thought it must have been a mandatory visits after his operation), I was even too oblivious to dwell on the fact that when my brother was 17 years old he moved out from home and ended up staying in a family friends home from church. I was so young, innocent, stupid to pick up on the fact that my brother was struggling, that he was going through a hard time. And when he moved home, we fell into our love/hate relationship so when he came home on Friday night, I tried to annoy him like I would normally do. In the morning I woke up bright and early excited for my netball game, my friend was taking me, and while we were having a joyous time singing, trying to pass the 30 minute ride in the car, while I was being called on the phone, I hadn’t even realised I had 4 missed calls from my father until I got to the netball courts. So I called him, I didn’t realise it then but his voice was full of sadness, I mistook it for weirdness, because he asked “where are you?” And “come straight home after you finished your game”, I thought he was being silly but I did just that anyway. When my friend dropped me off home, I noticed my uncle was there pacing around outside, my brothers friends on the porch hugging each other, other family members walking inside my family home, my friend asked if there was something going on I said I wasn’t sure and that I would text her later. And as she drove away, I ran up the outside steps into my home, really confused, where I found my grandparents and my parents huddled together…
To be completely honest I am a little hazy on what happened through the next 5 minutes, I can’t remember who told me and how I reacted. I lost that part of me who’s family was fine, who’s innocence was perfectly intact, an oblivious 13 year old who’s biggest dilemma was trying to hide any evidence of having a period, or was biggest dilemma.
From that day on I lost a huge part of me that I don’t think I can ever get back, which frightens the shit out of me because I am a complete mess. I hide every aspect of my life from others having no true friends, I have lost the ability to care about most things/people whom I used to care deeply for, I lost/ am losing any ambition that remains in me, I get angry and sad so often and all I want to do is crawl up in a ball in the corner, I used to dream or at least set goals for myself and try to achieve them now I can’t even bothered thinking about goals or my future. I ponder so often on why am I here, still alive, wasting my life away, when you are not? Why am I still alive and you are not? I was a bitch and have become an even bigger one when you… you were that person who went to go sit next to people that we’re alone to make sure they didn’t feel alone.
I’m sorry that I was not enough like you, I wish I was/ am.
I love you brother, you are everything.