How Do I Move Forward

On October 23, 2016, just 17 days after his 35th birthday, my brother took his life. When I first received the news that he was gone, I was in the middle of a store and collapsed. I sobbed uncontrollably and was inconsolable. I spoke to him less than 24 hours before his death and one of the last things he said to me was that once our parents were gone all we would have would be each other. So to think that the next day he would leave me here in this world like that was a swift kick in the gut.
My brother and I have had our challenges. We didn’t speak often because he had a temper and could be very hot and cold sometimes. However, there has never been a day that I doubted his love for me and I know he knows I loved him so very much. But to protect my mental and emotional health, I had to build boundaries around how I communicated with him and my mother. Now I feel so guilty that I didn’t try harder to talk to him more often. I feel guilty that I didn’t try harder to get him to address his problems. I feel guilty that I didn’t tell him I loved him more often. I always assumed we would have time to fix our relationship. I thought there was time for things to improve in his life. WE WERE SUPPOSED TO HAVE MORE TIME.
Not only am I sad…not only do I feel guilty…but I am mad. I am mad that he has left me like this. I am mad that he has left his son without a father. I am mad that he has hurt our mom in such a terrible way. I am mad that he didn’t take the time to reach out to me and ask for help. I am mad that I didn’t sense that this was coming. I am mad that I didn’t sense when he left this world. I am mad that the world has the nerve to keep going on day after day like nothing has happened. I honestly don’t know what I am supposed to do. I don’t know what I am supposed to feel. I don’t know how I am supposed to continue to move forward. All I know is that I was told that I have to live. So that is what I do day in and day out. I get up and move through my day wondering if my brother can see me. Wondering if he is at peace. Wondering if he would change his mind if given another chance. I can’t make any promises that I will ever be okay. I can only promise that I will try to not meet the same fate.

3 thoughts on “How Do I Move Forward

  1. I’m sorry for your loss, I learned about my brother’s death when I walked in my house one night. I walked through the door and all my relatives were there and my sister told me “Jimmy’s dead”. I was 17 and my mind didn’t know how to process those two words. I didn’t want to go deeper into the house so I got my dog and went for a walk, Tushie and I walked for a hour, crying as it gradually sank in that I would never see my brother again.

    I remember all those feelings you’re feel now, the confusion, the sorrow, the questions, the what ifs. I saw him that morning and I wish I would have hug him and told him what he meant to me. It’s been years since he’s been gone and time does distract you with other things that puts the pain and memories on the back burner so you can move on with life, but it never leaves you. You always know something’s missing. Maybe you didn’t spend as much time with your brother as you would have liked and time will help you with a lot of things you’re feeling but you have a nephew that will need you and maybe you can channel the love for your brother to him. I’m sure he needs family around him now. May God ease your sadness and anger and give you peace.

  2. My brother is dead I read this and feel so much of the same feelings. my grandpa hung himself my dad hung himself at 20 in jail. I didn’t know him and now my bro we weren’t even a year apart. his birth day is august 28 1978 mine is august 16 1979 our mom had a heart attack going down the road when we where 10 and 11 he saved my life by grabbing the wheel and stearing us to near by place I think that messed him up. we where never the same after that but then grandparents taking care of us. both died in 2002 within months of each other they where our world and we where there and now my bro is gone. I’m so sorry for your loss. I FEEL YOUR PAIN and it hurts he hung him self October 31 2016 and I drove by not giving a fuck about him cause he was on drugs and I was letting him hit rock bottom he was staying in abandon building it was a messed up situation and I just drove by someone called me that he did drugs with often and said they hadn’t seen him I knew it was his dealer and thought shitt I better go check I found my cousin coy dead in 2001 in a house with no ac I screamed his name like I always did and knew if he heard my voice his brother he d open and everything would b ok but that smell hit me and I knew I didn’t even have the strength to kick in the barricaded door my cousin Cody who’s dad coy we found kicked it in and as we searched I knew by the smell my cousin Cody jumped back and said omg mike and from then till now if it wasn’t for my kids I would be right here beside him it sucks don’t know what im going to do either man but just know I know u hear this to much he is resting and his demons will fuck with him no more in reference to ur bro I’m sorry I vented I have no1 he was my last family member at 36 it sucks sooooo bad I’m lost with u

  3. Such a touching thing and i can relate to nearly al questions u have there feel nothing but numb and empty its so fuckin painful ukno my dad killed himself when i was 3 im now 20 birthday on the 22nd of December i sadly find out my sister jumped in front ov a train on the 8th of this month she was 23? words cant describe how i feel but id like to reach my heart out to you all that have lost a loved one due to suicide just remember.. ur not alone and its so unfortnate but it will only make u stronger as time goes on if u feel like u want a chat or anything then im happy to give u the time of day…pls get in contact thanks?

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