Steve,

why why why why why why why why
how how how how how how how how
why did u leave
how could u leave
i miss you like crazy and every moment gets worse
i go through hundreds of repeated realisation moments in one day
my brother is gone
my brother will never wake up and walk to the kitchen and
my brother
my brother
my dearest brother
the only one in this world
that was mine, my brother
my only brother
my favourite boy in the world
the brother who would enter a room and just have his spirit bring such a comforting calm to the entire space
my brother who endured so much suffering
my brother who had so many attempts prior
my brother who’s laugh was the best sound in the world, especially if i was the one to bring it out
i want nothing more than for him to come back
or
please
wake me up tomorrow and tell me
it was not true
it was never true
please
i will even accept his return as a ghost
anything
please
just give me my brother back
please
whoever runs this universe
i need my brother back
i need my brother back
i need my brother back…..

Love and Miss You

Dear Baby Brother,
Just checking in again. Its been now just 2 months since you shot yourself. I try not to think of the phone call I got at work where Dad told me you were dead. Literally the worse day of my life. Mom finally got up enough strength to bury you last Tuesday. It was a nice small gathering of your best friends and family. Now I hope you are at peace next to Grandpa and Granny. Surprisingly, it wasnt all that sad. More of a celebration of your life and great memories. Im glad we had the time to start our healing process between the cremation and burial. Thanksgiving will be weird without you and Im not looking forward to Christmas. Hopefully we can start new traditions and begin a “new norm” without you. My birthday pretty much sucked as all I wanted was you to be there. Guess we will just have to get used to that…huh? I hate telling people the diagnosis of cancer sent you over the top as everyone knows that it was something, with a little assistance from the oncologist, could have been cured. Im not angry and never was at your but I am VERY DISAPPOINTED in your decision about all of this and the fact you never even had enough respect for mom/dad, me, or AB. Not even a phone call. Oh wait, I know why……you knew it was a bad decision and you just didnt want anyone to talk you out of it. HMPH…..BS im my opinion. Just sayn. Now im left to deal with your estate and go through all of your stuff. You made me an only child. It was suppose to be me and you. You left DW without a godparent. So now your one and only job is to keep him safe! All I am able to do is take it one day at a time. I continuously have to push the self destructive thoughts that creep into my head, out. Im now going to have to try and drag mom, with me, to a grief counselor. I write my thoughts in a journal. I will burn it when I feel I can move on without crying constantly. Sigh…..do you know you broke my heart and took a piece of my soul with you that day?? I love and miss you so much. This never should have happened.

My beautiful sister. My soulmate. My best friend. You decided to leave me two days ago. You decided to leave all your pain and suffering with me. I know you’ve been wanting this. But what more could I have done? Please, tell me. I’m begging you. A sign, a dream, a feeling. Any feeling but pain and heartache. I texted and called you every single day telling you how much I loved you. I knew I should have bought that plane ticket to see you a week before you left me and mom forever. I blame myself. I’m angry at you, too. You’re so stubborn and impulsive… that car accident? Why didn’t you tell us? I would have given you all my savings to help you get back up on your feet. Hana, a piece of me is gone. I cannot breathe, I can barely exist. I don’t want to feel this pain anymore. Moms soul isn’t even here. She isn’t eating or sleeping. She is starting to leave me too. It’s only been day 2 since you’ve left us and the hardest part hasn’t even happened. I’m on the plane to see you right now. I hate the word ‘remains’….. as if all that remaining of you is your soulless body. I don’t know if I want to see you face to face. I don’t want to lose those happy memories with you. I love you so much…. I can’t be strong much longer. I’m waiting to hear from you. I love you. If this is your final destination to happiness, I will find peace some day. But for now, I want to disappear forever. From society, from my thoughts and feelings, from existence. I am nothing without you. Remember what you wrote “no matter what happens, it’s just you and I”. You left me. Your baby 23 year old sister.

You took your life sometime last night, on November 11, 2017. you don’t even know how many hearts you ripped out today. i’m glad you didn’t see dad when he found you. he couldn’t stop screaming and crying. your youngest sister won’t even remember you, but i will make sure to tell her until the day i die that you loved her so much, that she looks just like you, and that you even named her. how much were you hurting? why didn’t you tell any of us? we all love you. my life will never be the same. i will cry for you every day. i love you so much.

To be honest I don’t really know why I’m here. She’s not my sister. I didn’t even know her family when it happened. But even 11 years later going with my boyfriend and his sister to their sister gravesite hurt. Not because of the pain I was feeling but because of the fact that the pain never stopped for them. I love when they tell stories about her because I get to heard about how funny and exciting she was.
I know how much they hurt because after they’re done laughing about that funny memory from their childhood with their big sister, that moment where the laughter is dying down and someone is about to say something else. The expression on their face. Like for a moment they didn’t think about her pain or suffering and then the reality set right back in. I know there is literally nothing I can ever say to them. But my heart hurts for not only my boyfriend but for his sister who at 20 years old felt there was no other option. My heart goes out to anyone who has felt this pain no matter how much time has passed.

I am one of four. My younger brother tragically ended his life in July – fifteen weeks and four days ago to be precise. And the thought of another 15 days, 15 weeks, 15 years without him… terrifies me. There’s this huge void in our lives, that only he could fill. Nothing feels the same anymore and it never will again. We are now incomplete and will never be whole again. And in a way, I don’t want to be complete again. Because it would be like my brother never existed, wouldn’t it? Even if it means spending the rest of my life grieving for my lost brother, I’d rather do that than ignore his existence. Because he did exist and his memory still lives on in me and the rest of his family.
I sometimes ‘forget’ what has happened and then suddenly it all comes flooding back. I can’t really explain it but it’s as if none of this ever happened and then something will remind me of it all and then I remember what has happened and it all hits me. Maybe it’s my bodies way of trying to stop the hurting. Because it really hurts. To lose someone you love so unexpectedly… there are no words. I still can’t believe it. Just thinking about it, causes so much anxiety. Knowing I’ll never grow old with my brother… knowing things will never be how they were meant to be. But I just want to say to my brother, I don’t blame you, of course I miss and love you and I wish I could have saved you but I don’t blame you. In fact I think you are strong and brave, not only for facing your demons for so long, but having the courage to carry out what you did. That must’ve took some strength. I just hope you’re happy wherever you are now and that you watch over us and guide us until we see you again. I’ll always love you and you’ll never be forgotten. Because for as long as I live, I’ll talk about you and remember you with pride. Goodnight Brother, until we meet again. xxx

It has now been 7 months since I lost first my sister-in-law to suicide and then my brother 5 days later the same way. 1 month later I lost our Mom to cancer. I am dealing with all of it pretty well on the outside but on the inside, I am a wreck. I can accept my Mother’s death, although broken-hearted, we were prepared. But my sister-in-law and MY BROTHER??? It was under horrible circumstances but it seems like now my thoughts are turning toward even worse thoughts/questions. Was there more to the story then what I was told? Was my brother feeling guilty for more than what he let on? I hate these thoughts, but I cannot fathom leaving your children and your sister to deal with the aftermath. I don’t know if this is the anger part of grieving or if I am seeing things through clearer eyes. I will NEVER have the answers but I want so badly to stop thinking about what happened, what caused it and WHYYYYYY? Just lost in my own thoughts lately.

There was four of us. My brother Jamie the oldest, then me, followed by my sister Mandie and last but not least the baby Tomi Ann. July 15th 2014 Jamie drove to the top of the mountains and ran a hose from the tail pipe of his pickup and ended his life leaving behind 3 beautiful girls ages 20 and twins 15. My world was turned upside down that day. Hard to imagine anything in life could be that bad. Fast forward to July 26th 2017 my baby sister Tomi Ann pulled her truck into her garage and did the same thing. Leaving behind 4 kids 20, 8 and twin 2 year olds. WHY? How do Mandi and I deal with this again? How do these beautiful nieces and nephews go through life without their parent? I talk to Mandie often on the phone she lives in Alaska and me in Colorado so we rarely see each other. We find o
Ourselves crying our eyes out to each other. Hoping to find some sort of relief from this horrible pain.

My brother took his life a little more than three months ago. I completely see it as my fault. I had this built up resentment against him because I had heard something he said about me. I don’t even remember what it was.
I had been contemplating doing the same thing a week before but I changed my lifestyle to shift. I constantly think that it should have been me. I miss him so much.
I saw the text. I saw the last text that he would ever send. And I didn’t even open it. He said he loved us (group message). The only one to reply was my mom.
I don’t know how to grieve. I’ve never had a loss in my family before. I didn’t see this coming. I was focused on petty drama. I can’t shake the feeling that it was either my fault or should’ve been me.
I miss you Albert. I love you

Dear people. Just 12 days after my 14th birthday in September of 2015 I had lost my favorite oldest sister and favorite person in my life. Her name was Abby. She was born December 15, 1998 and died September 26, 2015. Still today is hard and crazy without her. I miss her a lot and never wanted to lose her.
But she had to leave me at a very young age. she was only 16 and would of been 17 that year.