On January 27th, 2018, my big brother committed suicide. We were out as a family and we had gotten into a small argument that normal siblings have. Only, I think it may have hit him differently. The car ride home was silent. When we got home, my brother ran upstairs and slammed his door… or so we thought that’s what happened. 30 seconds later we discovered it was not a door being slammed, it was a gunshot. My best friend had just taken himself from me. The time between January 27th and now just seems to be a huge blur. I still feel as if his death is my fault. I’m still not sure how to go on without him. He was my biggest supporter and he always encouraged me to do my best. I’m honestly not sure why I’m even writing this, I’m just hoping that writing about it makes me feel a little better. If you are reading this, don’t ever let someone walk away from an argument without a solution to the problem. I wish more than anything that I would have ended the fight and told him I loved him because that was my last chance and I had no idea.

I can’t help thinking what you might be doing right now if you hadn’t of left us. Would you still be carrying around the same amount of pain that you were before? Would you have gotten help? You have been sober again? I don’t think that the sober you woulda left us like that. The sober you wouldn’t have left us to pick up the pieces that you left behind. The sober you woulda thought about the funeral costs. The sober you wouldn’t have left your siblings, your parents and friends.
The other day our younger sister asked me if she was dying. it’s hard to explain what happened to someone who doesn’t fully understand. I told her that you were sick and that you would still be here and for her not to worry about her dying. She also asked me why I didn’t follow you to the park after you left the house that night. Boy, do I wish that I did. I didn’t know what to tell her, so I just told her some of the truth, that I didn’t know you went to the park. Because how do you tell your younger sister that you didn’t know that when you heard our bother leave the house that he was going to go and kill himself?
It’s weird how my life is now. How I’m supposed to put on a brave face, make it to work on time and eat meals, like my heart wasn’t just split in two. that my life will forever be altered because you decided to do what you did. How now I’m supposed to put on a smile and look together with the hopes that someday the bad days will get further in-between and how I’m supposed to just move on with my life.
I don’t hate you for what you did, but I sure am angry as hell at you. You should be here. You should be here to live. You should be here to brave this fucked up world with me and to laugh at the jokes in it.
“Hearts yo”

Ki

Ki, I wake up every morning asking god why. Why you, why me, why did god ruin MY life. I look around and I know people just look at me as the “broken girl” and nobody actually wants to stop to help because they’re too afraid to “trigger” me. Losing you has been the hardest thing I have ever gone through. I look up at the sky everyday just hoping for a sign that you’re with me but so far nothing..am I disappointing you am I not being the young lady you always thought I’d be. My only wish is to make you proud and to show you I can do it without you here guiding me. I’ve took to this site because I know there are  so many people who can help me with my grieving and the struggles I go through everyday. I get looked past because i was only the sister not the mom and not the dad. Nobody thinks us sibling feel what our parents feel, when we feel the same and sometimes even worse. Ki I just hope I’m making you proud and that one day we’ll meet again

can’t stop thinking about it

ever since my little sister made the decision of taking her own life (2 years ago), my brain hasn’t been able to turn off the switch labeled “thinking about it.” I have been wishing for the ability to stop hurting and to be able to live normally but have realized that I need to tackle this head on. I felt like writing a letter to my sister but then I felt like reading letters that other people would write to people who have committed suicide. I still feel like my brain is so full of thoughts of suicide that I can’t think about anything else – I don’t know how to stop this

Thinking of you

Today has been a month since you passed away and I think of you all day long. I know you and I were never very close with us being eight years apart growing up, I was in my own head and living my own selfish teenage years when you were just a kid. I’m sorry I never went to your ball games or any of your school stuff growing up or was really not even a part of your life. I just thought that being with my friends and boyfriend during my teens was more important. I wish so much now that I had been more a part of your life growing up! I missed out on so much of you and your life and that breaks my heart now! I can never make it up to you now. We kind of got closer together as we got older but then I moved away and then it seemed like your life fell apart after your divorce. Oh brother…I wish I had been there more for you! I wish I had told you I loved you more and called you more! Jesus, I hadn’t even talked to you in six months because I lived over here in AZ in my little bubble and didn’t want to know what was going on over there. I think if I had been a different sister to you that you would have grown up to be a different man and I’m so sorry. I failed you as a sister. I should have been a better big sister and I failed you and disappointed you so many times. I’m so sorry..soooo sorry and I don’t think I can every forgive myself. I love you Vince! I hope you know that and I hope you know how sorry I am that I failed you.

Frankie was my brother he cut his own throat in his bedroom I am devastated I feel like I let him down he was my little brother and I always tried to take care of him.

Mother’s Day without you…

Serg, it’s been 5 1/2 months now and your boys birthdays have past, we got through it somehow but the most heartbreak occassion was finally here, “Mother’s Day”… Our mom is devastated, she was in tears all day. We went to have lunch with Moni and there were a few distractions but it never felt the same as when we were all together. She missed your gift (perfume every year), she was so sad it breaks my heart to see her but it broke my heart not to receive your call or text wishing me a happy mother’s day… I guess this is it, this is the way our life will be without you in it! We did not deserve this but we are not selfish, you had your reasons, I just wish you would have given us a choice because we would have begged you to stay close to us and let us help you. Our love for you is so immense that we would have done the impossible to help you. Our family has changed but our strong love has not mijo, I will love you & cry for you all my life. I hope you are happy & pain free like you deserve to be… I love you with all the love possible that one can give… Forever your sis

My baby brother committed suicide on September 29,2017, I can still picture the exact moment and the exact words when I got the call from my mom. I’ve been searching for ways to cope. I’m no longer in denial about the fact that I need to seek professional help.
I miss him so much. No day has been the same since he’s been gone. In this moment I can’t even sleep. Just laying here crying as I looked at his pictures. I wish he’d send me a sign or left a letter. I have so many unanswered questions. I know being gay, having cancer, and coping with HIV was extremely difficult for him. I just wish he’d call and said goodbye. This chapter will never close and I have this huge feeling of guilt.
I never thought that I’d have to deal with anything like this in life. I don’t think I’ll ever be the same. I’m drowning in grief to the point that I can’t even clearly recall our last conversation. I’m pretending to be okay for my family and work but deep down inside I break down a little each day. My family has been very supportive but I need more than that. I need answers that I’ll never get…

Hello, I’m here to talk about my brother. He had always struggled with his thoughts, when I was 12 he was 22 he was living with his girlfriend opposite Multi storie car park, I was the last to see him on the day I ran up jumped in to his arms and asked “where are you going?.” He replied “I’m going to see (the girlfriend)” I said “ok make sure you come back tonight.!” I ended it by saying see you soon you tw*t love you loads.
Darren’s girlfriend decided she couldn’t cope with Darren always reliving the horrible things dad used to do so she wanted a break.. I came home to find everyone out our next door neibours took us in and we (me and my twin brother) helped with there wardrobe. My mum called us and said she was at the hospital as she fell and had broke her leg ( this was not true)There was a knock on the door it was dad we went round to ours and was sat in the front room it was strange as dad was there with two police officers they told us that Darren had jumped from the top storie building and that he was alive but in a critical condition.
We rushed to the hospital to find mum in a room alone and upset. I don’t think I knew how bad it was I was annoyed with mum for lying to me as I was worried and sad that she was hurt. Darren survived this but with serious injury’s. he’d broke his back- he had a metal plate in his back, his leg bones went through his ankles- he’d lost a few inches off his height, his nose was torn open- he had a large scar and he had chipped his tooth, his first words was howdy when he woke after he was realised we all helped. mum changed his heart line and I used to massage his feet-(I pulled a stich out once). He had Counselling and we thought he was getting better.
Five years later it was the one year anniversary of my grans death( she passed of cancer, Darren knew he couldn’t help but he tried to resuscitate her) the night before he and mum was talking about the flowers for the crem and he put plasters on her blister he was watching football like every other week end, he smiled at me when I came home and I went to bed.
The following day I was awoken to my brother shouting wake up Amanda wake up Darren’s dead he’s killed him self I went to the gate and he was there in the drivers seat his head had fallen to the side he looked as though he was just sleeping. He had took my mums car keys and had killed himself on the drive. He died of carbon monoxide poisoning.
We lost him on the 30 of December 2012 it’s been five years you think what could we have done different but there would have always been another way for him. We stay strong for our mother she’s suffered from depression since. I think about the songs we’ve sung and the amazing times we’ve had even iff it was just playing tennis or curbby.
Too me he’s still my brother even though he’s not here, I talk as much as I can about him his laugh his smile the way he made us all feel special.
I lost him just before my 18 birthday it still hurts everyday I’m now 23 I often get sad by thinking soon enough I would have spent more of my life without him then with. I miss him everyday. Although it still hurts you just gotta think when there is a storm no matter how bad the sun will shine it has too, no matter how long it takes it hurts less.

My sister Barbara committed suicide in September 1972. It has been almost 46 yrs and I think of her every day. She was older than me by 13 yrs and was like a mother to me when I was a baby and little girl. She was a beautiful talented girl she loved her high school years. She went to Baldwin Wallace College in Berea Ohio and excelled and enjoyed her college years. She met a man in 1964 shortly before she graduated college and fell head over heels for him. He was such a jerk. She married him. He was emotionally cruel to her for the years they were married. She withdrew from our family that was the first sign. He began to torment her and call her fat and say she had a big nose. He would go golfing on weekends and leave her alone. She was alone a lot. She suffered insomnia for years. She saw a psychiatrist several different times. She attempted suicide with an overdose and was in the hospital and she never told us and neither did her husband. He kept her under his thumb. We watched a beautiful talented woman fall to the depths of despair and there was nothing we could do. She ended her life in her car in a garage. Tragic then and still tragic. The loss of her still makes me sick. She was 30 when she committed suicide and I was about 17 and I still have a hard time with it. I have had several dreams lately where I discover she is still alive but wants nothing to do with us, her family. The heartache I feel in my sleep is so deep. I end up telling her that we love her and when she is ready we want to show her love. So sad. She was an exceptional music teacher and had so much to give the world. She was highly educated – masters degree in music ed her life at 30 was just beginning. Her tormentor husband had her cremated and sent her ashes home in a cardboard box. He would not allow her family to have one item of hers. He and his mother got rid of all her belongings and swept her out with the trash. He married a 19 yr old shortly after.