My heart is broken… my mind racing to memories and searching for explanations to questions that have no answers. Less then 36 hours ago my little brother took his own life. Nothing seems real and I feel as if a piece of me has drifted away from this earth with him. He is only 26… he had his whole life ahead of him…

My brother took his life on January 1st 2018,he was 32 at the time,he had some demons like most of us but they sadly got the better of him on that night,he obviously picked his day,time and place,visited my parents for a while,hopped into his car and drove it into a grass patch around the corner from the family home,moments later there was a massive explosion and he was gone forever.I remember being out that night,it being new years eve it wasn’t uncommon for me to be out,shortly after midnight I checked my phone and saw i had missed calls from both my parents,which was odd,they never ring me for new years or anything like that,knew straight away something was wrong and rang my mother,she told me Patrick was gone,burned himself in his car.he had a few thankfully unsuccessful attempts in times gone by but this time he had made sure nothing could be done to revive him,he left a facebook message on his profile minutes prior to his death.I remember telling my friends i had to go as Patrick had killed himself,i was numb and obviously in shock,I left the club and wandered around the city streets and then my friends found me,I didn’t go home for hours so stayed at my friends house in a haze,i eventually went home and my family were all there with the same looks on their faces. I was told my father broke down,something i never would think could happen,in a way i’m glad i didn’t see it.Anyway it’s coming up to his first anniversary and I’ve been dreading it since he died,he was a great person,a brother who cared for people and put them first,he fought for as long as he could but it wore him out,we didn’t see each other a lot but i always knew he was out there and now he’s not anywhere.So happy christmas Patrick and i hope you found the peace you deserve

1 June 2018. The day I found out that my soul can physically hurt. 18 days after my birthday. 3 days after he stopped answering my calls and messages. My most beloved and adoring brother hung himself, alone, depressed. A million miles away from me in Australia and suffering at the lies and deception from his former girlfriend he couldn’t carry his load any longer. Our traumatic, neglectful and physically and emotionally extremely abusive childhood at the hands of our mother, abandoned by our respective fathers, cemented our bond. We didn’t grow or thrive as kids, we survived. We spoke for hours, some times daily in secret on skype at the office to try and make sense of why our mother is the opposite of a mother. He tried and worked so incredibly hard to make something of himself and he succeeded but as kids from an extremely abusive background, success is never quite enough or right, we can always do better or more and are never actually really deserving of our achievements. Failures are deep dark swirling holes with no bottom for our feet to touch. He had, had enough and I will never deny him his last act of free will. I just miss him so much. He is my first waking thought and my last. Some days I just say his name out loud to myself. Both my cousin to whom we are very close and I are struggling through this together. I feel as if I have a gaping hole where my solar plexus should be. And now after his cremation and death inquiry he is on his way home in a box with his last belongings, his letter to me, his guitar to our cousin, travelling on a ship on an ocean the same colour as his eyes. I miss his big hands, his gentle soul, how tall he was and how he carried himself. I miss his laughter and our 3 hour conversations. I miss his insights. I breaks my heart watching his 17 year old son who is the spitting image of his dad, mannerisms and all. I miss how god****d slow he could be, running late and forgetting his wallet. I desperately miss his protective bossiness over me although I was older and more or less raised him. I have lost half of my soul, my being, my heart, my essence. I have lost the witness to my childhood and my confidant. We have lost someone so integral to us and our tribe is just shattered. But today I have made myself a promise to not let a a specific date get to me. All days are the same and my grief on any given Wednesday is the same grief I am now experiencing close to Christmas and which I will experience on his birthday. Life has normalised in its abnormal way and I carry on doing what I do daily, counting my blessings, loving my kids and my family but i do it with Rudi in my heart and thoughts daily. There are no words little brother to describe my love and loss of you. I look forward to the day when my time has come and you are there to greet me and guide me. Until then I have a life to live, love to give, full of joy, grace, peace and gratitude.

March 5, 2018, just after 6AM: the phone call that has seemingly forever changed my life. “Dustin is gone…” The words are etched in my mind, a permanent fixture with the sound as fresh, haunting, and devastating now as it was then.
My brother was such a humorous guy, always laughing and always with a cheeky little half-grin that never revealed all of its secrets. Dustin had been struggling for a couple of years, the result of a failed marriage and guilt that he carried about how it ended. His two kids were at the same time the light of his life, and also a painful reminder of how things had been, could have been.
Pursuing a numbing of his feelings, he turned to drugs and got in over his head. He struggled hard, attending a rehabilitation facility and focusing intently on his recovery. I don’t know what happened, why he relapsed, and why he felt he couldn’t continue on with his recovery. A fresh day could have been a fresh start, but depression and anxiety told him otherwise.
For whatever reason, that cold night in March, he made a break from medical care and ran barefoot through the ice covered roads to a nearby school. He broke in, found an extension cord, and hanged himself.
There is so much of this story that is incongruent. My brother is not the type of person who would know how to break into a building, yet, somehow he did. He isn’t the type of person who would turn to drugs, yet, somehow he did. He absolutely was not the type of person who would leave his kids behind, yet…
I miss him intensely and terribly. He deserved so much better than his end and my heart is devoured by the fact that I couldn’t help, that he felt he was a burden, and that our love couldn’t have saved him.

My brother shot himself with his hunting rifle on 02 Oct 2018. His co workers had been concerned for him and asked me to check on him at home, where I found him passed away. I have had wonderful support from people but I am still struggling with the fact he didn’t speak out to me, I will always miss him dearly and he was a wonderful friend for 40 years.

It’s been 4 months since my brother shot himself and it’s still doesn’t seem real. I keep looking for him at family functions texting him after something happens in the tv show we watched. I am broken I think about it every single day. All I want to do is lay in bed and sleep but the world goes on even though my world has completely crashed and stopped. I just want to see you again laugh with you joke around and argue about stupid things. I miss you zack so very much…

29 years since you’ve been gone and it still hurts. You wrote a letter four days before you shot yourself and you blamed me. I still have this letter and I am trying to be strong. I want to write about your life, but it has been too painful. Your letter hurts me so badly. I was only 12, when you shot yourself. I miss you and I’ll never understand it completely.

How did we get here? Will the pain ever go away? This goes through my head every single day… Today has been a very rare day, I feel peaceful, Serg are you here with me? I cannot believe its been a year since I last saw, heard, hugged, kissed you.. The last time I heard you call me “sis”, I would do anything to turn back time but I can’t & I have to face reality that you are not ever coming home. My heart breaks I miss you so much, we all do. I planned your memorial service for Wednesday December 5th the same day we had your funeral because I 10x’s rather remember your beautiful mass than the horrific day “today” that you decided to change our life forever, the day you forced us to suffer the rest of our lives. Although I am so angry at you, I love you more every day that goes by with all of my heart.. We will not grow old together in this world but I hold hope & faith that we will be together someday in heaven. Your loving sister

My Dearest Kate,
Today was your first birthday since we lost you. It was almost like a day of mourning for me, actually, I guess it was. Thought about you most of the day, still wondering if there was anything I could’ve done to make you rethink things, though deep down I know I couldn’t have.
Mom and dad had a special mass said for you today. Unfortunately we don’t talk about it except to recognize to each other that it’s a sad day. I really don’t have anyone to talk to about my thoughts and feelings so I just write you these letters once in a while. You would’ve been 50 today, and I never thought my sister would be dead before 50 years old. My heart is just broken, and I’m so sad. I pray everyday that you’re in heaven, and keep praying for signs, but of course I don’t see any. I’m very lonely and miss getting your emails and texts. Anyway, I hope you’re looking down and seeing what a gaping hole you left in our lives. I’m not angry with you, just sad and wish I could’ve done something. Love, your brother.

Dear Edward,
I can’t believe it’s been almost 30 years. I thought the struggle of missing you would get easier with time, but that is not the case. I actually miss you more today then that April day of 1989. I have never felt so lost as I do now without you. All I can do is cherish the memories you and I had together. I thank God everyday for blessing me with the best brother and best friend any sister could have. I don’t know why that the pain now is more unbearable then it was back 30 years ago. I just know it is. All I can do is look up at the sky and feel the warm sunshine as your smile. I truly miss you. I don’t know why you left me. I just know God called you home and was ready for you even though I wasn’t. Thank you God for Edward. He was the best earthly brother and now he is the best Guardian Angel.