I am a freshman in college. My older brother passed away five years ago. I was told it was a drug interaction, and an accident. My mom denied the possibility of suicide to my face several times, while my grandma hinted to me that he was depressed, and I knew in my gut all along something was not right. He was hands down the best brother in the world, HE WAS my world, I loved him more than anyone. He was such a good person, he cared so deeply, he was underspoken, a protective big brother. I remember being told of his death, being confused, going through therapy, asking for more answers, at least SOME specifics, more explanation, for years before finally accepting the lie I was being told. A drug interaction, an accident. It was not until two weeks ago, on the phone that I finally demanded answers from my dad, and I learned that my brother had shot himself with a gun alone in his room after a night out. I feel as though I am hearing of his death for the very first time. Grieving for the very first time. Everything is so much clearer, so much sharper, so much more painful and real. I am angry I wasn’t told five years ago, I would most be on a completely different path in life. I feel extremely alone, my entire family knew but me, and now only my dad knows that I know the truth. I spoke at his funeral without knowing. I explained the situation to friends. I never thought I had a reason to be very involved in the suicide movement, a close familial relation. My brother is a huge part of my identity, and I was lied to about his demise. I have a very strong connection to him, which is why nothing felt right these past five years. I knew there was more, I knew him better than that, I knew he was too good and I knew that he was in pain. That sense of connection was partly blurred for me for five years with a sense of confusion. I am angry at my family, I don’t know what to do, I don’t even think my mom knows about the truth- or she is in severe denial. My parents are divorced. Apparently he left a note, but my dad says he doesn’t have a copy- yet I called the police department and they say he WAS given a copy- they also say that I can’t get a copy without his okay. I am lost, I am lonely, and I am in a massive amount of pain experiencing my brothers death for what feels like the first time. I was lied to by my entire family, told at least three separate different situations, all ending with “it was an accident”. Confusion and pain. I feel very lost, I want to honor him, I want to try to make the world a better place for him, but I am in so much pain and I have so much anger at my family. He was my big brother.
This is not a suicide or crisis resource. Please contact a counselor, family member, friend, or emergency services if you are having suicidal thoughts.
In the USA, call:
For Deaf, Hard of Hearing, and People with Speech Disabilities who use a TTY, call 1-800-799-4TTY (4889)