So Much Pain

I lost my brother yesterday. He hung himself. He was 48 years old. I have so many words, but so few. It’s just so intense. There is a huge hole in my chest. I can’t stop the flow of tears. No one knows what to say so they say nothing. It’s a very lonely grief. I just feel so lost. I can’t ever tell him again that I love him, that he matters. I love you Scott.

3 thoughts on “So Much Pain

  1. I’m so sorry have to go through this. I found that people said nothing to me either. They want to say things like “he lived a good life” or “at least he in no longer in pain” but those just don’t apply to what we are dealing with. I remember being at a red light, seeing someone singing in the car next to me and being mad at them. I didn’t know them, they didn’t know my brother but I couldn’t understand why I was the only one who saw the black clouds and felt the weight of the world crushing me. How dear they be happy enough to be singing.
    So I will say to you what I wish someone had just understood enough to say to me. This is really f’ed up stuff, it really sucks. The feeling you have now with change over time, the hole in your chest will hurt less often. I am not saying that it will go away. But has the shock goes away and you stop randomly collapsing, because your legs can’t carry the pain, when that all slows down, you will then be able to start processing all of this. Over a year later I have still not come to terms with knowing that I will never understand why this happened to my brother. But now I just don’t let myself go down the rabbit hole of obsessing over it. I still pick up the phone to call my brother with a random question. I can’t bring myself to un-program his number.

    Your pain and grief will change with time. But for now, it is okay not to be okay. We all understand and are here.

  2. I feel your pain. You’re not alone. All I want is to hug my brother and feel his arms wrap around me. Every time I think of memories together it feels like someone shot me in the chest. It doesn’t feel real. I just keep thinking if I got through my childhood and all of the other traumas I’ve been through maybe I can get over this too. But nothing compares. He was my best friend. I’m sorry you’re feeling what you are and that this happened to him. To you. To your family. To anyone affected. It’s so unreal. Maybe it’s just a dream.

  3. My little bro just hung himself yesterday. He was 28. I can’t stop thinking about how alone he felt and I can’t stop crying. Punching things. Screaming. I’ll never see him again. I understand these emotions you’re going through. I don’t even know what to do…

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