Still mad

I have a confession. Even a year later, I am still so mad at my brother for how he has changed everything, and everyone around me. I am mad at him for casting a sad shadow over anything good that happens, “oh this is would be so much better if your brother was here.” “If only your brother was here.” “I wish your brother was here…”
Well he’s not and that is not my fault, so why should it distract from anything good and successful that I do. Now, don’t get me wrong, I wish he was here too. I’m just still mad at him for choosing not being here.
I know this is selfish and I should probably be ashamed but he killed a piece of all of us on that night. I’m mad he took his own life but also the lives so many people who loved him. My father tells me he will never be truly happy again. I struggle to feel like I am enough for my parents. How can I ever be enough child for them. I can’t tell my parents how sad I am, they need me to be okay all the time. It is a lot of pressure to be two (happy) kids in one.
I am I the only person feeling like this?

2 thoughts on “Still mad

  1. i believe your emotions are completely valid. your parents should realize that you are your own person, not just an extension of your brother. granted that he is your sibling, parents have to realize that we are our own individual who also deserve validation of our own feelings and accomplishments without the need to bring their own grievances.
    part of the reason some of our siblings take their own life, is because they felt as if their emotions and being weren’t valid or enough for anyone. to disregard how the surviving siblings feel and to reduce us to our siblings death, is a disservice to everyone including ourselves.

  2. I feel you on this…I lost my baby brother 10/31/18. Its been just shy of 5 months. I often find myself feeling the looming sorrow at every dinner, every birthday party, everything. I question how long that will last. I hope not forever. I know for my mom it will never go away. She attributes her strength and deaire to go on to the fact she has 5 other children. He was the baby, his birthday was just on the 22 of March. He would have been 26. I’m the oldest child, one of my other brothers is the one that found him. He hung himself near a creek where he used to go fishing. We were all shocked…I find myself angry…didnt he know this would kill us? Did he care? I just dont understand how with so many siblings and family around he still felt so lonely and that there was nobody who would understand. I wish he would have known we would have done anything to help him. I suppose he felt trapped in a white trash life and couldn’t handle it. Idk, its anyones guess why….that’s all we’re left with, anger, blame, sadness, and this looming darkness that hangs over the family constantly. My mom will never be the same…none of is will. A piece of us all died with him when he decided to take his own life.

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