This Year Has Been the Longest Day Ever

I woke up to 13 missed phone calls. I don’t usually keep my phone on silent at night but that night was playing games on my phone and didn’t want to sound to disturb my sleeping husband. I just feel asleep around 10:30 pm with the sound still off. According to the time stamp the calls starting coming in not long after 12:45pm. All of the calls where from my father. Calling me to tell me my brothers car was found stopped, still running, in the middle of the road, well a bridge. He was no where to be found. The only mark left behind, was the melted frost from his hands and butt on the bridge railing. According to todays date, that was a year ago. A YEAR AGO… It feels like just one day ago.
I am still kept awake at night wondering how long he sat on that railing. If another car wasn’t about to drive past, would he have still jumped, would he have thought longer about what he was about to do?
I’m kept awake sad you didn’t call me, but thankful I didn’t miss his call too.
I am still kept awake wondering that if it wasn’t so foggy that night, maybe he would have seen how far down that river really was.
I am still kept awake, tortured by the thought of what he was thinking while he fell.
I am still kept awake at night wondering if we will ever recover his body from river that I now hate so much.
Every night I wonder and every morning I wake up with no answers. So yeah, it really feels like it has just been one day, not one year.

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3 Responses to This Year Has Been the Longest Day Ever

  1. Living through it says:

    It’s going to take time. Be patient it’s hard now but time will help. You just need to know right now that you will be ok and that things will get easier… and the answer is they will.

  2. Jennifer says:

    I lost my sister New Years Eve 2018 the same way. She jumped off a bridge. Your thoughts Are Mine.

    • Grieving sister. says:

      I know I have to come to terms with and accept not knowing, never knowing. I’m just not there yet. Still to this day, when my dad calls me I wonder if that will be the call that my brothers body was finally found. I feel like I’ve abandoned him. I helped look for weeks and still do every now and then. I like 1600 miles away from where he jumped. I had to go back to my every day life. He just deserved so much better then being stuck at the bottom of a river.

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