To my beautiful Nicholas,

It’s been nearly 10 weeks since you took your life, out of the blue, with no warning, and I’ve tried to put my thoughts down on paper several times since. Here is my latest attempt. Before, it was easier to pretend you just weren’t here – you were in Liverpool, when I was at home, when you were home, I was in London. Now, however, it’s begun to sink in. The knowledge that I won’t see you again will wash over me like a sickening wave. That dull ache in the pit of my stomach will suddenly stab like a knife, like no pain I’ve felt before. I haven’t just lost you but I’ve lost part of myself. It sounds so cliché but it feels so genuine, we were so close, I feel like I’m venturing into the unknown, living this life without you.

I’ve searched for answers as best I can and have had to convince myself that it wasn’t you that did this, you weren’t in your right mind and a psychosis had taken control. I know you would have called me, you could have said, we were so close and there were lots of things you told me that you would never tell mum or dad. We shared things. I know that the Nicholas I knew would have said goodbye, somehow, someway, instead even my last Facebook messages to you went unread. You’d messaged me when I was in Indonesia and I didn’t message back straight away, even though I saw them almost immediately. Why? You weren’t a priority; you always took ages to message me back and would often ignore me completely. I thought I had time. The rational part of me knows that when everyone says, there was nothing we could have done and that we’re not to blame, they’re right. But my grief for you is not rational. I knew something was wrong. I spoke to Katie and Jonny about you several times over those last couple of months. I told them your behaviour was strange, I was evidently worried about you. And yet I did nothing. On the tube to Heathrow airport, my flatmate Soffi told me her friends brother had just died. It flashed through my mind that perhaps something would happen to you. And yet I did nothing, I went to Indonesia. I’d spoken to you and asked if everything was okay, you assured me it was and you were so confident that I chose to believe you. But deep down I knew and I did nothing, I chose the easy way out and now there’s nothing I can do to rectify that. I have a thousand and one regrets.

It strikes me that I didn’t know what love was until this. I’ve lost the most important and precious person in my life. I try to think what it was to be happy and I can’t remember. At the moment, nothing is real except for the loss I feel. I go out with my friends, I keep busy and I laugh but deep down and underneath everything, I can’t see how I’ll ever be truly happy again. It’s not all bad though, losing you has taught me the value of this life we have. I know now I have to live mine to the fullest for both of us. Perhaps one day I’ll be able to start doing so.

For you, I would have done anything.

Tessa

Dear Kevin,

It’s been 3 1/2 weeks since you decided to leave us..your mom, your children, your nieces and nephews, your students, your church family, your family, and me, your sister. I know you were struggling but I thought you were doing better. I saw you the Saturday before and I can still see you sitting in my house. Your absence has left a forever hole in my heart that has not healed since dad died 2 years ago. You left us all. I am now responsible for everything from your estate to taking care of mom. I often question why would you choose this? Why did you do this, knowing mom would be the one to find you? My emotions are all over the place from sadness, to anger, to total loss. I miss you everyday and forever will. Life will never be the same without you Kevin. You are with God and dad now and I know all you sadness and anger is gone, but it is still here with us. I don’t know how to go on, but I have to be strong for mom, my children and yours too. I will always love you.

You have left me hurt and left.Why have you done this? You were my only friend. I told you it was Ok to leave i lied… I want you BACK right now! Goodbye Morgan hope to see you when i die!

Dan,

I miss you so damn much. When we were growing up, I was sad when we were apart for more than a dew days-even if we had been a vicious fight the day before. I was sad when you lived with dad in college. Now, that you’re really never coming back, it hurts, SO much. I can’t describe it, and I don’t know what I’m suppose to do. I need you to listen to my venting. I need to annoy you. I need you to get me out of my ruts. I need you to brag about how you saw that new movie or heard the new beck album before I did. I haven’t been able to do any of these things for the 3 years you’ve been gone, and I never will. I feel so void of some piece of me that will never be filled-ever.

There’s absolutely nothing in this world you could ever have done to make me love you any less. That’s something mom and dad always use to say. I probably knew that when you were alive, but I know it all too well now. Even the worst thing I could possibly think of someone doing that might make me hate anyone else for, I’d still love you even more. I wish I could give you a big hug, and say, “it’s okay, we’ll work through it, because you’re my brother and I love you”.

I am grateful though, you’re no longer in the tremendous amount of pain you were in when you took your life. I just feel so helpless that I couldn’t be with you. I feel like I failed you bail you out of it, after you bailed me out of so many things. I feel like I failed because I let you be alone when you were at your absolute loneliest. I feel like a failure because i couldn’t ease your pain or provide you any comfort. BUT YOU WOULDNT LET ME!! because you flew 500 miles away so no one Would find you Because you didn’t want to be found. And I’m afraid that I think I may feel like you may have felt in your last moments here.

But I have to forgive you and I do. Because I know you were very sick when you did what you did. I know you weren’t in your right mind. I know that with the sickness you had In your wonderful mind and beautiful heart, although I may hate it’s symptoms, it was the sickness that took you, not you. I know that because of that sickness, you were not physically, mentally, or emotionally capable of reaching out for help in a way that would have got anyone’s attention. And I know what that sickness is like because I’ve had it. And the only reason I’m still here is because some amazing people cornered me deep enough in my business before I had a chance to shut them out. So I forgive you. It’s okay. I love you unconditionally. And from now on, im making it a point to make everyone I come in contact with feel like they can trust me with anything, as best as I can. I won’t do it perfectly, but there’s people out there as sick as you were, and their loved ones don’t deserve to loose them especially if it can be avoided.

Thank you for being you. Thank you for teaching me how to always be true to myself. Thank you for teaching me not to sell out, no matter to who or what. Thank you for teaching me to always be searching, always be asking questions, and to never loose my curiosity, and when I see something I believe is wrong, unjust or dishonest, call it out!! Thank you for the richer life I have today just from you being in it for 28 years. I always have, do and always will love you with all my heart.

Love, Brian.