A place of hope. A community.

Guest Post

You are not at this site because you want to be.
You may be experiencing a crushing sadness that you believe you cannot survive. You may be angry. You may be lost to the focus on your parents’ grief.
Each in our own way, we have stood where you are. For three years I felt like I had to will every breath I took. Nothing was familiar because everything was painted with my grief. I did not see a way I could live the rest of my life in this place.
In December 1986 my life changed forever. My younger brother set a catastrophic house fire that left nearly all of his body burned. He lived for 43 days.
I have now lived more than half my life as a sibling survivor of suicide. I have a happy life. I’m
married. I have a career in helping others.
My brother’s death is still the worst thing that has ever happened to me. This site has helped. Therapy has helped. Journaling has helped. Sharing my story has helped.
Read the stories here. Reach out. Know you are not alone.
Breathe.

Me and Livy

Guest Post

I feel like I’m dying. I feel like I’m being ripped apart. It was always me and you Livy. Always me and you against everything else. My soul feels like its being flayed open and I’m being burned alive. I can’t describe this pain I feel.

I was the only f** person you wrote a note to before u did it. That makes me want to scream until my body gives up. I’m so so so so sorry that I didn’t know. I would’ve slaughtered the world for u Livy. I wouldn’t given my own life for you. I’m so f** sorry you didn’t know that.

I can’t stop thinking about the time at grandma’s when we were all sitting at the table going around and saying things we liked about each other. It was my turn to say something about u and I just looked over at u and looked u in the eyes and we both started tearing up. I didn’t even say anything. I didn’t even need to say anything, we both just knew. Without words we just f** knew.

I can’t do this without u. I keep waiting to wake up. You’re in a vegetative state. You tried to OD and u didn’t die but you fried your brain so bad you went into a coma. Papa and Hannah found u after u were missing for 2 days. You’re a vegetable Livy, and every day for 47 days we’ve been going to the hospital to sit at ur bed. It’s been the worst kind of torture possible. They say you will never be Livy again. They say you will stay like this unless we make a decision to stop it. To kill you. I want to scream with agony that you left us with this decision. No human should have this decision to make.

You ruined me and I want to hate you so bad. My brain thinks it will be easier. I want to but I can’t. It’s not possible because it’s just you Livy. It’s just you my little sister. My soul won’t let me hate you.

I get mad because sibling doesn’t feel like a strong enough word. It feels like you reached inside me and killed me when you tried to kill yourself. I don’t know what other word would be more fitting. Soulmate?

I find myself thinking the worst things ever. How I wish I would’ve died instead of u. I’m a horrible f** person. I look at you and I just see myself. Everything that is me is you. I can’t live like this Livy. I just f** can’t.

Veronika

Guest Post
Veronika, I’m reading the posts here and remembering the great things you brought to my life. I remember how we used to laugh at the funny name of the mob guy that allegedly lived in your apartment before.And now I can’t remember his name so I want to call you badly. Ask for that name and have a great f———laugh. Then I’d ask you how your day was and banter about mine.

This is the first time in my life that I realize some things might be lost forever, like the name of the mob guy and the laugh we would share. And that makes me cherish the little things now. But also it’s hard to keep my head up.

I keep coming back to our picture from when we were kids. You are laughing there so much I think you’re peeing yourself a little. I’m next to you with my hand in front of my face, maybe I farted or something, I don’t know maybe that’s what made you laugh so much. I just wish so much I could share that laugh with you again.

—

I have no words. I don’t know. I just really don’t know. I still remember that hug I gave you on my balcony, in the sun. You were scared to come downstairs and open up to our parents, especially dad. I don’t know how it was in your shoes, but I feel like you shielded me from so much by being older.

Veronika, in a way we truly were f——— soulmates. I will never forget you.

1 month

Guest Post

Hey Jordan, it’s been a month. It still feels like just yesterday you were here. I miss you everyday and am still heartbroken that you aren’t here. Theo is growing every day and doing so much more than even a month ago now. He’s about the only thing that keeps me getting up each day.

It seems so impossible that you’re gone. I’m hoping writing will help me accept the situation.

I’m so sorry, I just didn’t know you were in so much pain. The world feels so empty without you here and I want nothing more than to join you. I contemplate it everyday but I have Theo and Kailee and I know they need me. We need you too and I’m sorry I didn’t tell you that enough.

It’s so terrible here now. All I have are memories and regrets. I’m angry all the time. It’s not fair to the people around me but I just don’t care. There’s no one in my life who understands this pain and it makes it all the more unbearable.

I know I tell you this all the time but I truly hope you are at peace now. I love you so much

I lost both my brothers to suicide

Guest Post

where to begin?? Well I guess I should start in 2020 when my younger brother John-michael took his life in his room @ the age of 21 and I was the one who found him.
2 years later in 2022 my youngest brother Jim ended up going the same route he died @ the age of 20.
Now what makes this story even more interesting is that my brother Jim recorded music so when he left this world he left his music here which is currently still being released ( posthumously)

Its just crazy that I can still hear his voice and feel what he felt threw his music.
Fast forward to current date which is 05/28/23 I am now living in a sober living which I have relapsed and I’m been on a binge for almost 2 months now. I can feel the depression coming back and thoughts of not wanting to be here anymore but then again there’s no way I could ever hurt my family like that they would just be devastated now that I’m the only brother left. I just need some one to talk to about this I mean I don’t want say I’m using my past trauma as an excuse to use but damn man I just have a lot pain I had to go threw like damn! why does this have to happen? its been 7 months since my brothers passing and I feel like I’m just now grieving.