Hi W

I’ve started to feel some anger now. It never really crossed my mind in the early years bc I just missed you and was trying to protect you from any person that would suggest anything bad about you. Now I’m starting to feel angry. It has been a decade. I was just so frozen. I didn’t want to be mad at you really. I was concentrating on the pain you must have felt. It’s been years of pressure from declining parents and unrest with siblings. It’s been so tiring. I can’t even begin to describe the impact. Mom and Dad declined so much and it’s been so hard. I really wish you had been here for support. I really needed you. We all did and do. Some how I picture you up there in heaven having a good time and that makes me mad. It has just been so much suffering. In another way I am comforted by this thought of you doing well but in another way I’m angry. Why did this have to happen? Why did it get so bad? I guess I’m stronger now but I didn’t want the strength to come like this and for this reason. I feel like I don’t have much more to give. It’s been so much caregiving. I’m so tired. I just really wish you’d be able to come back. For comfort. I miss you and all the fun times we had.

5 thoughts on “Hi W

  1. I understand this so much. I am so sorry you are going through this. It also took me along time to go through the different “grieving stages”. I lost my brother 25 years ago. It still hurts and is still hard but it has gotten a little easier to live with over the years. Please continue to come to this page and share with us, read other stories, and know there are people who unfortunately understand maybe not everything but a lot of what you are going through and feeling.

    1. Thank you for understanding. I feel weird writing how I’m mad. Like it’s not ok to be mad at someone that’s died by suicide. But in reality I am mad amongst many other feelings.

      1. Please do not feel weird for sharing. Your feelings are valid and so many of us have felt that anger as well as so many other feelings. Please know you are not weird or wrong for feeling this. You are not alone in these feelings and emotions. We all grieve differently but most of us have a lot of the same feelings/thoughts. I admit I still get that anger from time to time even after all these years. Idk if you feel abandoned and like they just gave up on their loved ones too not just themselves. I felt like that and still do some times. I wish I knew exactly what to say to you. Its weird how we all have gone through and are going through this but it can still be so hard to know what to say. Just know we are here… even those who come and ready but are not ready to share or comment yet.

  2. My brother took his life January 21, 2024. Left behind a precious wife. I felt shock, sadness and now anger. He took his life so violently in his own home while she was there.
    The devil now wants me to feel shame and embarrassment from the stigma of suicide. Please, hurry spring and bring warmth, flowers and sunshine ☀️

    1. I feel your pain…I pray for your strength. My brother took his own life October 17, 2023, at home, while my mom, my other brother and my now deceased brother’s wife, were all there. My brother had been under stress due to life and work, and he developed insomnia. My mom was there to bring him to her home for a week, so that she could care for him and get him back to sleeping, because his wife was pregnant and they had 2 kids, so my mom wanted him to be in a peaceful home, to get him some sleep and on the right track….in the midst of him packing a bag and showering, he impulsively killed himself. Our family is forever broken. I hope you and your family find some peace.

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