Scott Mckellar Cox II was my 19 year old big brother. He was generally the happiest, kindest, and loving person I know. He was my best friend, my mentor, my fellow nerd, and he was my brother. He suffered severely from anxiety and depression, and he attempted suicide in 2012, but failed. He promised me he would never do it again, because he knew how much pressure and sadness it put in me. But when I asked Mckellar to get in the pool with me on vacation and he told me he would after he got something in the car, I wish with all of my heart I could’ve stopped him. But I didn’t. And while I was floating in that damned pool a gunshot rang from that truck, and there he was. You broke every atom in my heart, Mckellar, but your suffering is over now. I’m not a religious person. I don’t know if there is a heaven, if there’s a god, or if we’re all some accident that just so happened to be, and when you die it’s lights out. But I do know that I loved my brother more than anything in the world. If you’re reading this and you share my pain, just know that we’re not alone. I miss you brother. Rest easy.
To my sweet brother
To my sweet brother
The love of my life
Even when I was a little girl I just wanted to be around you all the time. Always wanted to see what adventure you were up too always so much fun and interesting things.
We laugh at all the same things the same people and get to be angry with each other and still love
Each other sometimes each others only friend.
When we would go on holidays and be stuck in the back of the truck for 19 hours straight drawing a line in the seat and if anyone crossed it they would get the living shit kicked out of them.
And the time u asked me if poop floats. When i went to the other side of the dock it was floating in the water.
I wish I could of taken all the pain away for you. You were so successful and the pressures of life got to you as with anyone else. And what a sweet romantic always putting on your best show for the ladies you loved. I will live on for you my sweet love your heart your beautiful face and your sensitive heart. The anger I will le go for you, don’t worry my love I will show you the world as you live in my heart. Your with me in my heart in my days we live together forever. Your laugh echos in my head and your liveliness still so picture perfect in my mind.
The pain I feel I will try to form to happiness for your rest and painless rest. You always made me proud. I love you now, then, i will love you forever. My sweet sweet brother. Thank you for always being there for me.
Love your only sister Kimmy
I miss my brother!
I just came across this site and am hoping to find some kind of comfort and understanding as to why my younger brother took his own life.
He was having marital problems and uncovered significant betrayal by his wife. He has two beautiful boys that are like my own. My brother and I are very close. My husband and I found him and I started to perform CPR/mouth to mouth resuscitation before the paramedics got there. He had taken his own life by carbon monoxide poisoning. If I had just got there 30 minutes sooner I might have saved him. This just happened 7 weeks ago on June 4, 2017. I am seeing doctors and counselors to help with the grief. I can’t seem to get his face out of my mind while I was performing CPR. I was staring right into his eyes begging Jesus to help me.
I never knew his depth of pain. I never thought it would come to this. I feel lost without him. I know that he is in a better place based on my blessed hope that we will be reunited with our Savior. I have always had what I thought was strong faith but I now realize that even that is given by God. I’m just trying to find my “new” normal that doesn’t include my little brother. He has left a huge whole in my heart and I know its not his fault.
I just keep cycling through denial, anger, depression and all of the could of, should of, would of’s. I have never experienced a pain like this before. It literally physically hurts. I am on several anti depressants prescribed by my physician so they have helped some BUT they don’t take away the pain and loss. I keep trying to make sense of it all??? How do you move forward and ever get over something like this? He was my ONLY sibling!
I also go through periods of guilt for not recognizing the signs. I knew he was having a tough time but we were there for him through it all!! I’m just trying to rely on my faith and hopefully someday find a place of peace that is not so painful. I don’t think the pain will ever completely go away! I’m asking God to help me learn to move forward but it has been baby steps! I wake up every morning thinking it was all a bad dream only to face another painful day! I LOVE YOU JUSTIN!! I BEG JESUS to please let JUSTIN know how much I love him and miss him!!
Feeling helpless
My brother took his life 6 years ago. He was a lost, lonely soul who suffered depression since he was a small child. I often think of him although I’m not sad for him. I’m happy he finally built up the courage to do it. Then I feel awful for thinking that, but there was no other option for him. I know he is at peace now but the feeling that I couldn’t help him stays with me. How do u move on? I always think about how lonely he was. I mean – he didn’t have one friend. How sad and lonely must that have been. I always think about the last night – how he must have felt. He jumped off a bridge at 5 am. How do I move on??
Baby Brother
Kevin,
Our mother left us too young, I know. However, you were already an angry child which I noticed being ten years older than you. I too became very angry after how she left us. I noticed your anger and your denial even when you thought no one cared. After we “grew up” I thought you had made peace. You had a band you had friends you were COOL you were for once smiling.
I grew up and I eventually let you go. You surprised us all that night after many years of UPS. God bless you. I’m sorry that I did not feel your pain I wished that you let me carry. I’m sorry that I was raising my own child at the time you needed me me most and I did not make healing your life long hurt my priority. Do know that I see you, feel, you, love you every day. A shattered broken life lost too soon.
My little brother spent 19 agonizing years here before he threw himself in front of a tractor trailer.
Why God do you instill such sufferages that only a handful of the population “get”?
People tell me to get over it or oh, that’s so sad move on.
5 years strong But really…get over it… how?
Matt
Okay so it been 3 years now on June 14 since my big brother Matt died and I’m going through hell with this because i miss him so much because he was not only my brother but he was my best friend and not having him is hard because he was always there for me when i need him of when people were mean to me and i just miss him so much because people are so mean to me and kinda make fun of me because of his death and they blame me for his death and I just wish he was here because i miss him and i want all this to end and i just wish that hadn’t of committed suicide because now i have no one to go to when I’m having troubles and all this breaking me bit by bit and i just wish i knew why why he killed himself because now i wish i could have helped him because God do i miss him so much!!!!!! 🙁 🙁
Mal little brother
Mal little brother,
It’s been exactly 3 weeks today that my brother committed suicide by shooting himself. I keep asking what could have been so bad. I love him and miss him. He beat cancer, but at the end I feel the effects of the bone marrow and all the pills he was taking was just to much. So I guess cancer still won.
Dearest sister.
Samantha, I miss you. I wish I could see you again, I wish I could call you to talk, I wish so many things for us both…. but now its just me. I know its been 11 yrs you’ve been gone now but i do see you in different places in my life. I see you as a red tailed hawk who visits the place i live. I see you in people standing on the side of the road waiting for a bus. I see you in your friends and peers as they struggle through life, like you could’ve been, should’ve be….I see your personality in other people but don’t know how to deal with it, if it were you acting like that I’d react differently but now when I see it I have to deal with the grief that its not you acting like that… its tough, no one understands the loss, the hurt, the longing to see you and hug you and have you in my life again. I miss you. I love you. I’m so sorry I wasn’t there for you when you needed me the most but I hope now that your on the other side I know your spirit will be there for me when i need it the most. I need you.
Samantha
11 yrs ago my sister decided that she didn’t want to live anymore. I had no idea she was struggling. every year I hope I can get through her birthday and death day without a breakdown, and every year I breakdown. There are so many things I’m still so mad about from when it happened and so many things that have happened after that I’m mad she can’t be a part of…..STILL 11 yrs later and its the hardest times of the year. What was once a celebratory time of year is now my personal hell cause no one shares the grief that I have over the loss of my sister…. I won’t ever have that relationship again, I know it will be a part of me that will be a hole wanting to be filled for the rest of my lif
How do i go on..?
I lost my sister to a suicide on overdosing pills about a month ago and it feels like its only been days. She was 17 and i’m dealing with this only just turning sixteen two months prior and i don’t know how to act right now. My parents are broken and i don’t know how to describe what i’m feeling aside from pain and grief. If anyone has dealt with something similar please advise me on what to do now, as i have no idea. I have summer work for my AP classes next year and friends over constantly but no matter how much i busy myself i cant get rid of the pain and i don’t know what to do. Please help me if you know how.