Big Al

Hey bub. It’s been a while. Just barely over a year and a month. Things are so different now. Everyone has lost a little piece of their heart,smile,attitude,soul,laugh. Things have been so dull. We really really miss you Alex.

I graduated 8th grade you know. I’m sure you were there watching over me. Did you see I’m working at Chick Fil A like you bub? The other night i was having a really awful day. Sometimes work makes it worse. But normally, i love going.

I’ve made it through almost my whole freshman year. Are you proud of me? I’m making pretty good grades! I recognize some of the teachers’ names and connect them with your old stories. It makes me smile most days. Others it makes me cry.

I’ve got a boyfriend. Do you like him? I know he’s a bit older. But I think it’s alright. He asked me to prom. Shif was in on the prom-posal. Did you watch me? He keeps me happy and makes me feel loved everyday. We talk about you sometimes. I heard you two were friends. That makes me happy.

I’ve survived a year without you. I don’t know how. The days feel like years and my memories start fading. Will you help me remember them? People have been saying something was wrong with your brain. CTE. Caused by concussions and hard hits. I know you had some of those.

I really miss you bub. I remember that night so well. I yelled and screamed and told you to not worry because i was getting help. Did you hear me? When i no longer heard you, I told the 911 operator that I had just lost my best friend. She told me that I was wrong but she lied. I remember telling the officer where you were. Finding out you were dead. I remember being so scared and alone and just wanting someone to come home. It was a really bad night.

But I miss you bub. And I love you.
You were my best friend, still are, and will forever be.
I wish I could know exactly when I would see you again. That would make me happy. I really really miss you.
I hope Heaven is doing you good. I know you’re having lots of fun.
I love you Alex. Please never forget.

 

Happy Birthday

Happy Birthday, you would be 24 years old today. I was only 13 when you took your life at 18 years old. I cry because its been 6 years and I try so hard to hold onto the memories I have of you. I think about how proud you would be of me. Of hanging out with you today if you were still here. Watching a movie, playing video games, fighting with you. All I have are your sneakers, a painting you did, and your deodorant I used to love the smell of. I’m finally going to counseling for everything. It hurts me so bad that suicide is something that no one talks about. How can I finally be at peace with it? I love you so much and I made you a cake. 🙂
-Love you lots
Your little sis

 

Grief

Grief has the tendency of kicking me when I’m down
It has a knack for taking me by surprise, creeping up on me when I least expect it
Sometimes it’s with me all day, washing over me like waves, back and forth
At other times it’s like a hit and run, there one second and gone the next
It grips my heart and squeezes it, drenching out the sadness like juice
Loss weighs on my chest like a stone carved from my memories
Those moments, smiles and wishes haunting my mind
Grief is a welcome friend
I embrace it willingly, tenderly, like a comrade absent for too long
It cleanses my soul, washing it with tears
It lifts the pressure from my aching bones
Maybe for just a minute, maybe for days
It’s with me always
Sometimes lurching in the shadows, sometimes holding my hand
Leading me into the darkness, or showing me the light

 

I miss you Johnny

Hey bub,

It’s been 3 months (11-12-15) since you left us here. So much has changed for example I got to meet Melinda’s girlfriend and daughter Grace. Crystal says you are still going to prom with her, she’s getting a dress in your favorite color (blue) and she’s going to hold your picture up at the photo booth I think. They are giving you a page in the yearbook in your memory and I handed in a sinking picture for the senior sibling page. They took those pictures the week I came back to school. I still can’t believe your not here to help keep the boys away from me or see me grow up in person. I miss you a ton Johnny…I love you and I always will bub.

 

Timmy

My brother took his life. We don’t know what day he died because his body wasn’t found in time for the medical examiner to determine date of death. They put they day he was found (November 10th, 2015) as his day of death. I would do anything to have my brother back. I will miss him for the rest of my life. I will cry every day for the rest of my life. I miss you Timmy.

 

I will miss you every second of every day for the rest of my life

18 days have gone by, and it still does not feel real. I keep thinking I will wake up and realize this was someone’s sick joke. I keep asking God to help me understand, but there doesn’t seem to be an answer. Sometimes I wonder what is wrong with me when I find myself trying not to think about it. I just don’t know how someone can live through so much pain, then when their life should be fabulous, all those demons come out to play. I know this is horrible, but I am so damn angry. No goodbye, nothing…you just left. What am I supposed to do now? You told me nothing would ever tear us apart, we have always been in this together. There is no one else. I look around, and I am trying so hard to be the brick I have always been, but I feel myself crumbling. I can’t believe I didn’t have any premonition, that my day just went on without my heart skipping a beat to give me some warning. Didn’t you know, didn’t you understand how much you are loved and valued? After everything we have been through, not even a single word? You always had those beautiful little quotes, and your famous words, ” I’m Fine…I Love You,” but dammit, you couldn’t love yourself enough to live? God help me, but I am so damn angry with those who tortured your soul, and I am angry that those of us who love you unconditionally were not enough, and I AM angry that such a beautiful life has left this earth way too young, and my heart is devastated that those precious grand babies and your nephew will never understand just how much you loved them.

 

I miss you sis

 

Kat,

 

Today marks 2 months since you died. 11/2/15. I miss you SO SO much. The only silver lining is that you are truly out of pain, I know you couldn’t live any longer in this world and you finally succeeded in a way we couldn’t just bring you to the hospital and pump your stomach.

I feel like my childhood is gone. I have all these memories flooding back, secrets and inside jokes that only WE shared. Because that’s what sisters do. This is much different than when dad died 5 years ago. He was my rock, my hero, and his death devastated us both. I wish he was here to comfort me. I’m 31 and my dad is dead and my sister is dead and I’m only left with mom. She did something last night and YOU are the only person who would understand why it was hurtful. You knew me better than anyone. But this is a different type of grief because siblings share something special. Something I didn’t realize until the day you died. A bond that is different than others.

I hope you know how much I loved you (well still do..) There is so much more I want to say to you. But I am hurting and missing you terribly. You come back now polar bear?

 

Love you always,

Your Megs

 

I Miss You Both!

I am sibling Survivor of two very special pieces of my heart. My baby brother Michael Phelps on July 3,2005 and my protector, my oldest sister Mareesa on March 1, 2011 . There’s nothing that will ever take that pain away and I’m going to grieve for them but that’s ok – they’re on my mind and in my heart 24/7. We had that sibling bond .❤