Subject: I can’t deal with this.

Scream. I want to scream my lungs out. I want to break everything and cry my heart out. I am feeling things which I cannot even put into words but what tops my list is WHY ME? Out of the billion million people in this world why did this happen to me?
It has been almost a month since I lost my brother, a term which I hate using anymore.
It feels like I have so many things to say but don’t know how to convert my thoughts into words. How to utter these words which will reassure that this is the reality. How to I accept something which I cannot believe is true.
I have questions and I have a handful of them. I am angry not only on him but everyone around me. I have guilt, lots of it. Why are people trying to be normal around me? Why are people laughing and doing what they are supposed to do? What is this? Do we just go on like this? Can we do nothing at all?????
I feel distant from each and everyone. People closest to me have their happy life and they are just sorry and sad for me. They just come, try to make me laugh and go. They leave me with these feelings all inside. Right now, at this very moment I am so annoyed how each and every person out there is doing some routine work in their life with no idea about what I am feeling. They are sorry that they cannot be present, that they have some other priority at this moment when I need them. I don’t understand how do I understand this? How do I understand that they are not here when I need them the most. I need them here all the time but I find myself all alone, all day long.

On august 5th 2013, he left me. I saw him lay there looked as if he was asleep. I walked away in pure shock. I turn around me see my father holding my mother and my two other brothers holding each other. That’s when I realised… if it was to be anyone else (which I would never wish) you would be holding me. i will be mad for as long as I need to be but he is in a better place and away from any trouble. I love you and I always will

Half my life ago today, 31 years ago to be exact, my younger brother died. He had set himself on fire and lived for 43 days.
Tomorrow he will be gone more than half my life. It is odd to ponder this milestone. Like all of you here, I did not think I could survive those early years. I had to will myself to take one breath and then the next. Everyone else’s lives were going forward, and I was lost in this unfamiliar and crushingly sad place.
For those new to this awful experience, I want to let you know what it is like to be half my life in this place. I have a full life. I can be happy. My brother’s suicide is still the worst thing that has ever happened to me. But over time this life is my familiar life. His suicide has been woven into the fabric of that life. I am no longer raw with emotion. I have learned to see what gifts have come from this. I can be a voice for others. I can share my experience, strength and hope. While his death was a catastrophic event, it colors who am today. I am in a healing profession and I know the good I do is colored by goods times and bad.
Here are some of the things that helped me long the way: writing in a journal gave me a 24/7 outlet, therapy (both with other survivors and individually), learning about better physical health, eating better, waiting (when the awful moments happen, just wait; they will stop), leaning into the sadness instead of running from it. Find someone who can listen. Make a list of what is comforting to you. Keep it close by. Use it. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe, until you can breathe without thinking about it.
A therapist once asked me what I thought my brother wanted for me. Without thinking the answer came out, “Peace. He wants me to be at peace.”
I still believe that. Keep coming back here. We know. We understand. We care.

June 2017 my brother hung himself in the basement at home. Danny fought long and hard with depression. We lost our mom when he was 9 and I was 11 to cancer. It’s so hard to live when the only person who understood the pain you were in is no longer here. We never talked about her but the pain was always there for both of us. His was just more, too much. I wish we could have helped him more. I didn’t know what to do when his world was collapsing. He was only 18, his entire bright future ahead of him. A true genius, an artist and a wizard on the computer and piano. I miss the sound of you playing beautiful music, flooding the house with it. I miss you so much Fat Boy. I hope you are resting in peace. Love you.

Petrified
Punishing
Permanent
Preventable
Peace
These words have come up time and time again since my brother’s death in October. I was petrified when my dad called me that night. Sometimes, I think my brother was also petrified to do it, sometimes I’m not so sure. His death is so punishing and painful everyone he left behind. My parents and my two brothers and I miss him so, so much. His death is so permanent. SO PERMANENT. I hate this word for what it represents. He is permanently gone, voided, his future wiped away forever. Every picture is a permanent reminder of how my heart aches for him. I wish I had spent more time with him, to show him that his death was preventable. He didn’t need to do it. He was so wonderful and so loved. There are other ways to solve problems, to stop the chronic pain. Finally, he is at peace, which, I am having a hard time accepting. It has been 104 days, and the pain is as heavy as it was on that one horrible day.

One thing I’ve learned from loss is that you don’t just lose your loved one. You lose the life you once had as well. I can’t unsee my poor lifeless big brother hanging from the patio, my dad’s distorted face when reality set in that he was gone. I can’t unhear my mom screaming or the AED machines as paramedics tried their hardest to bring him back. The flashbacks don’t happen as often anymore but they still hit me pretty often almost 2 years later. He didn’t know he was taking all of our lives. My dad has never been, nor will ever be the same. Our relationship has been strained due to issues with my brother’s ex girlfriend. My parents’ marriage is suffering and I’m caught in the middle of it. Bye left me to deal with the aftermath all alone. He was supposed to protect me. Our house is not the happy home it used to be. I miss my brother, I miss my parents, I miss my old life. I do my best most days to keep putting one foot in front of the other and I contribute to create as much positivity as possible but no matter what my future holds, I will always miss the way things used to be. My heart will never stop aching for it.

Paul, I can’t believe you did this to us. How could you choose to kill yourself the day after your son’s birthday? Why did you stop speaking to us? Our mother is broken and your wife is so lost. I had to hug you children when we put your box in the ground knowing that I will never have the words to make them feel better. I just had a baby boy and you will never meet him. I feel angry at you for doing this to us. I always looked up to you for making it through our troubling childhood – now you’re gone. You gave up!!! You hung yourself in your own home around your small children the day after Christopher’s birthday!!!! What the hell was so bad that you had to do that! You had a beautiful house a great job, a loving wife. I just don’t understand. Now I have no choice but to be cold about this so I can be understanding with mom and take care of the new baby. If I were to let myself feel I would be so lost. I hope one day I can forgive you. I will always love you.

“Miss you, buddy” That’s what mom wrote in her comment on that photo of you in your uniform. You were so handsome that day. I can’t believe it’s already been two years. I miss you every day. I pray every night that you somehow know how much we love you and how much we miss you.

Sergio it’s been a little over two months since I last spoke to you, kissed you hello, laughed with you. Gosh I miss you so much it hurts so bad ): As the days go by I have learned to live because you gave us no choice. We have to move on, but mom is still so broken she barely exists and dad tries so hard to help her but he fails everyday. My birthday is next week. This will be the first bday I will not hear your voice wishing me a happy birthday like you always did. WHY WHY WHY did you do this to us? You left us all so devastated; we are such a close loving family. We all helped you & you knew we would have your back always no matter what your life would turn out to be. I repeated to you over & over that money meant nothing – it comes and goes, but the strong love and faith we shared would over power everything nothing was too big for us nothing. I cry for you every day and I know this pain will never go away. I am so sorry that you were so unhappy and I pray every day that you are enjoying every minute of your eternal life with grandma, grandpa and everyone else in heaven. I will have to live the rest of my life wondering WHY this happened to a family that was extremely in love and supportive. WHY you decided to leave. WHY you felt there was no way out. WHY you felt your life was not worth living. I will hold on tight to faith and look forward to seeing you again because that will get me through. I love you Sergio more than you could of imagined. Your boys are struggling. We are trying to help them and just like with you they have us to lean on. Love you always & forever.