I lost my little brother to suicide 4 months ago. He slashed his wrists and then ran in front of a truck. Such self hatred and violence in his death. I had no idea that he was suffering and cannot believe he has chosen to leave his beloved two little girls who utterly depended on him.
I can barely function
My father is broken
I want him back
Most nights I dream about him
But I can’t reach him
And he is screaming for my help…

8 months ago my brother took the fateful step that ended his life. He quietly put a rope around his neck and walked toward the railing of the 2 story tree house in our back yard. Before anyone even knew he was missing my baby brother committed suicide by hanging.
The moment he died it was like a siren went off. It was just after 9 p.m. and I was asleep. I was startled and sat up in the dark. I felt overwhelmed with sadness and began to weep. My heart was racing and I felt oddly cold. I called my sister while I took my temperature. She was fine but also felt weird. My body temp was only 94 and stayed that way for 3 hours.
My sister and dad ate dinner alone that night, wondering why my brother didn’t join them. He had been struggling with depression so not coming down to dinner wasn’t considered alarming. Mom was at work. My brother asked for help with his depression just days before his suicide. We all jumped to our feet, ready to help lift our brother up.

He is the only brother of 7 girls. He was born when most of us were in high school. We took care of him like he was our baby. We would have done anything for him. We loved him more than any of us knew. As a family we didn’t hesitate to support our brother. We called, told him he was loved, and asked how can we help. My parents decided to take him to St Joseph’s psychiatric but couldn’t get him in until Monday. My brother, Rhoth died on Saturday night around 10pm.

I was thousands of miles away in another state, trying to pick up the pieces of my life. I hadn’t spoken to my brother in almost a year. I think the last time I actually talked to him on the phone was Thanksgiving. My life was crazy and I didn’t have time for anyone but me. My 2 yr old daughter was kidnapped from me by her father and grandfather. I was diagnosed with lupus. And I had lost my job, my car, and most recently my home.

I reached out to my brother just a couple of days before his death. I sent him a message asking him if he was okay. We never really talked. I’m almost twice his age and we never really had much to say to each other. But we did talk for a little while that night. It was nice. I told him about my suicide attempt when he was only a year old. I wanted him to know he can beat his depression. I’m living proof. I told him he can get through this just like I have. Even though my life was a complete disaster, I needed my brother to know I was there for him.

That conversation was one of the most heartfelt I’ve ever had with my brother and one of the few times I told him I love him. I should have said it more often. I should’ve called more often. I could have visited more often. I hardly even knew him. At that very moment in my life, I wished I could go back years. To be able to do everything over again; only better.

I turned 34 the week my brother graduated high school. I didn’t go to the ceremony. I didn’t even send a card. I carry the shame with me everyday. I wish I got to see him graduate. I have very few memories with my brother because of our age difference. Now that I’m older and he’s gone, I’m regretful. The complete upheaval of my life made the almost 2,000 mile trip home unrealistic. I considered he might be hurt by my absence. But knew he’d forgive me once he was older. When he had some life under his belt. When he graduated college and got his first real job. Once he was married and had children of his own. I figured he’d understand…when he gets older.

He committed suicide 3 months after graduating high school. He wanted to study law and dreamed of one day serving on the Supreme Court. He wanted time to explore and mend his recently broken heart. He didn’t want to go to college right away. I was excited for him! I told him to see the world. Be daring. Be adventurous!  Make memories while he’s young and free.

It was his birthday 2 days ago. He would have been 19. I can’t even think about him without sobbing, even after all these months. My heart breaks knowing he was in so much pain. We did everything right. He didn’t want to die.

I just want to stop crying all the time! I know it has only been a little over two months but I cry all day and night. When I get home from work, all I want to do is go in my bedroom in the dark and watch TV. I don’t want to stop seeing your photos and to stop thinking of you because I love and miss you so much but all I do is cry. I don’t know how to move forward.

Dear Kristopher,
I wish Carlos had woken me when you came to my house a week ago. I had been sleeping because I work a 12 hr night shift. The last time I saw you was so long ago that I don’t quite remember when it was. I wonder if you were stopping by to say goodbye. Did you hold my children one last time and tell them you loved them? Aedan has always had a special place in your heart. You didn’t know Yaritzi very well yet.
As you walked to the place where you would take your own life did you cry? Did your hands shake? Did you feel bad for the person who would find your body? Did you die instantly or did you suffer before succumbing? What pushed you over the edge? I will be looking for something anything that gives me insight into what you were experiencing. I feel like those Japanese trees that are all twisted and bent around and around.
I didn’t have the courage to go see your body. I couldn’t bring myself to make this real. That I would have to live the rest of my life with a hole in my heart where a brother use to be. This way I can almost pretend that you are still here but far away. I can think that it must be someone else. I feel no closure. I want to seek out the person who found you I want them to tell me what they saw how they felt. I want to read the police report. I desperately need closure but lack the courage to seek it. I need catharsis, I read stories and watch sad movies but nothing even scratches the surface of my pain. I am all sharp angles and pain then unfeeling in turns.
I recall the pain of the abuse we endured and I find a place in myself that understands your pain and it resounds in me. I always lacked the will to end my life. I always wanted to live so desperately I only wanted to end the anguish I felt. I always hoped you would find a way to get past your pain to overcome the past. That one day you would find a wife and I would hold your children the way you’ve held mine. I will break the cycle for you. This must end with me, I will give them a childhood they won’t have to recover from. In your memory I will hold them close and discipline them. I hope you found the peace you were searching for.
I love you.

I just don’t understand how I’m the only one whose angry! Why does my family not remember how Stephanie RUINED ALL OF US!!!??? Long before she fucked the family for life by killing herself, she hurt us in a million tiny & giant ways. Mostly giant.
Why does the suicide of a loved one automatically equate to a halo? My sister was beautiful & manipulative & violent & smart & athletic & sexy & an addict & a good mom & a shitty mom & mean & nice & lazy & driven & cruel … & you name it.
But she killed herself, and BAM none of those things were true anymore

Subject: Coroner rules Suicide, my sister had M.S.

Darling Brother
I just wanted to say that it has taken two years to get over the absolute horror of being told by one policeman that you were gone.
I came home from work late and the policeman told me off as apparently he had been trying to get hold of me since 13:00 that day. Training might be a good idea for him.
Anyway, I looked for you and found you in the Rhondda but I hoped that you would be OK.
I was wrong.
I should have known.
I am writing this on an obscure website because I have nowhere else to go.
It is the anniversary of you deciding to leave.
Bro, I wish you hadn’t made that decision.
Bro, that took some planning.
Bro, I would give up everything in the world just to hear you, see you.
Bro, I miss you more than should be possible.

Serg, we managed to get through our first fathers day without you… Your kids, I can only imagine had a rough time. We spent the day with dad as we are accustom to doing every year & of course with our older brother. You changed our life so much, it feels so wrong & so empty without you, we try to move forward but who are we kidding, you forced this extreme sadness upon us, mom is so sad and it breaks my heart.. not only are we heartbroken because you are not around but we also are heartbroken seeing our 78 yr old parents walking around with this deep pain that cannot be fixed, they are just waiting for god to take them away and all I can do is try to comfort them while holding back so much inside that it hurts me to my core. I pray for them every night in hope that god will give them some peace and take away the guilt they carry, I wish I could take away all their pain myself but unfortunately I can’t so I try my best to distract them somehow. We lit your candle all day during fathers day, I know you were there. I hope you are happy and enjoying our family that has gone to heaven. We will never ever be the same but I guess we have no choice but to try to live without you. I miss you so much that it hurts me, I feel anxiety & this weird pain in my stomach to think that I cannot see you, hug you, touch you, talk to you, get mad at you, text you, call you NOTHING, why Serg why. The worst part is that we loved you more than our own life, we protected you, we helped you but yet you left and we feel guilt for not doing enough.. I have never been selfish, I know you did this because you must of felt so low that you couldn’t see a way out but we would of done anything for you!!! This was so unfair, you changed the course of our happy loving family life we did not deserve this but yet we Love YOU, we look forward to seeing you again. Love, Your sis that will forever adore you and misses you so much.

Trying to Cope with these Feelings

My only sibling, younger brother of 24, committed suicide on June 7, 2018 by gun shot under the influence of narcotics and alcohol. I live in Denver, CO so I was informed a few hours after the incident after arriving to work. My family notified my place of employment so that when they told me, I wouldn’t be alone for long. I’ve never felt a feeling of weakness quite like I did trying to get out of my car. My legs were so weak that I melted to the ground, uncontrollably sobbing. I remember getting random messages asking if I knew from certain friends and family, but I ignored them thinking that if I didn’t indulge them then everything would be normal. The flight from Denver to my parents was the longest flight I had ever been on, even though it was only a few hours.
Upon hearing the news, my social media blew up. I was receiving messages, posts, texts, and phone calls so rapidly that I had to turn off my phone. Receiving so many prayers from friends and family, showing love and support, made me angry. I rather it all be traded in, leaving me with no love support or friends, and just have my brother back.
People show their condolences, and even told me of stories were they lost their love ones, however it wasn’t the same to me. They lost a love one due to sickness or freak accidents, I lost my love one because he took his life.
I have gone through waves of sadness, anger, and guilt. Guilt has been the worst to deal with. I feel guilty for not being there, not helping enough, and even after his death, I feel guilty for even the slightest smile, eating, and reminiscing on good times. I feel guilty for wanting the support to leave and guilty for the lack of support I gave to him.
I wish I could have told him how much I look forward to making memories with him as our life went on. I wish I told him more that I admired him as a human and I wish he could see how many people are hurt and devastated from losing him.
I am having trouble finding the right way to get my emotions out. People tell me that I can’t keep it in, because that isn’t healthy. I’m not 100% sure what is a healthy way of coping with a loss this heartbreaking, and I am scared for what the future holds for me and my family.
SDB