I am a freshman in college. My older brother passed away five years ago. I was told it was a drug interaction, and an accident. My mom denied the possibility of suicide to my face several times, while my grandma hinted to me that he was depressed, and I knew in my gut all along something was not right. He was hands down the best brother in the world, HE WAS my world, I loved him more than anyone. He was such a good person, he cared so deeply, he was underspoken, a protective big brother. I remember being told of his death, being confused, going through therapy, asking for more answers, at least SOME specifics, more explanation, for years before finally accepting the lie I was being told. A drug interaction, an accident. It was not until two weeks ago, on the phone that I finally demanded answers from my dad, and I learned that my brother had shot himself with a gun alone in his room after a night out. I feel as though I am hearing of his death for the very first time. Grieving for the very first time. Everything is so much clearer, so much sharper, so much more painful and real. I am angry I wasn’t told five years ago, I would most be on a completely different path in life. I feel extremely alone, my entire family knew but me, and now only my dad knows that I know the truth. I spoke at his funeral without knowing. I explained the situation to friends. I never thought I had a reason to be very involved in the suicide movement, a close familial relation. My brother is a huge part of my identity, and I was lied to about his demise. I have a very strong connection to him, which is why nothing felt right these past five years. I knew there was more, I knew him better than that, I knew he was too good and I knew that he was in pain. That sense of connection was partly blurred for me for five years with a sense of confusion. I am angry at my family, I don’t know what to do, I don’t even think my mom knows about the truth- or she is in severe denial. My parents are divorced. Apparently he left a note, but my dad says he doesn’t have a copy- yet I called the police department and they say he WAS given a copy- they also say that I can’t get a copy without his okay. I am lost, I am lonely, and I am in a massive amount of pain experiencing my brothers death for what feels like the first time. I was lied to by my entire family, told at least three separate different situations, all ending with “it was an accident”. Confusion and pain. I feel very lost, I want to honor him, I want to try to make the world a better place for him, but I am in so much pain and I have so much anger at my family. He was my big brother.

I lost my brother yesterday. He hung himself. He was 48 years old. I have so many words, but so few. It’s just so intense. There is a huge hole in my chest. I can’t stop the flow of tears. No one knows what to say so they say nothing. It’s a very lonely grief. I just feel so lost. I can’t ever tell him again that I love him, that he matters. I love you Scott.

I have a confession. Even a year later, I am still so mad at my brother for how he has changed everything, and everyone around me. I am mad at him for casting a sad shadow over anything good that happens, “oh this is would be so much better if your brother was here.” “If only your brother was here.” “I wish your brother was here…”
Well he’s not and that is not my fault, so why should it distract from anything good and successful that I do. Now, don’t get me wrong, I wish he was here too. I’m just still mad at him for choosing not being here.
I know this is selfish and I should probably be ashamed but he killed a piece of all of us on that night. I’m mad he took his own life but also the lives so many people who loved him. My father tells me he will never be truly happy again. I struggle to feel like I am enough for my parents. How can I ever be enough child for them. I can’t tell my parents how sad I am, they need me to be okay all the time. It is a lot of pressure to be two (happy) kids in one.
I am I the only person feeling like this?

I just found this site, I wanted to find people who’d been through this. My brother, Andrew, died by suicide yesterday morning.
It’s been less than 48 hours but it feel so long. The house creaks and I think it’s him in his room. I don’t know what to say to my family. I don’t know what to do, how to be with family without him. We would always be together at times like this, we’d be glued to each other’s sides. We were always on each other’s team and I feel so alone.
When we were together we could almost read each other’s minds and so I feel like I should have been able to stop it. He was so ill for so long and the pain was just too unbearable. He left a note but didn’t say he loved us.
I don’t want to wake up tomorrow and him still be gone.

My brother shot a killed him self in the room next to mine this past Monday. He was only 15 and I’m 17. He was my best friend. I heard him open and close the door before he shot himself. After he shot himself I didn’t even know. I called his name three times to no answer and assumed he just dropped something. 30 minutes later the police are at my house and I find out my brothers been dead. All I want to do is leave so, so I try to leave in my truck and two officers jump out it front of my ram 1500. I proceed to use the truck to get them out my way. After they pull their guns on me, I turn off the truck and get arrest and spend the next four hours in the back of a police car after my brother suicide.

My baby brother hung himself in a train station toilets 20 years ago on March 9th 1999
He had just celebrated his 19th Birthday 7 days previous.
I hate this time of year, I miss him so much we were close, or I thought, both serving soldiers at the time. I am still angry with him, he left us, left the family to cope with the grief, which has gradually ripped our once close family apart.
20 years and it still hurts. I miss you John xxx

I woke up to 13 missed phone calls. I don’t usually keep my phone on silent at night but that night was playing games on my phone and didn’t want to sound to disturb my sleeping husband. I just feel asleep around 10:30 pm with the sound still off. According to the time stamp the calls starting coming in not long after 12:45pm. All of the calls where from my father. Calling me to tell me my brothers car was found stopped, still running, in the middle of the road, well a bridge. He was no where to be found. The only mark left behind, was the melted frost from his hands and butt on the bridge railing. According to todays date, that was a year ago. A YEAR AGO… It feels like just one day ago.
I am still kept awake at night wondering how long he sat on that railing. If another car wasn’t about to drive past, would he have still jumped, would he have thought longer about what he was about to do?
I’m kept awake sad you didn’t call me, but thankful I didn’t miss his call too.
I am still kept awake wondering that if it wasn’t so foggy that night, maybe he would have seen how far down that river really was.
I am still kept awake, tortured by the thought of what he was thinking while he fell.
I am still kept awake at night wondering if we will ever recover his body from river that I now hate so much.
Every night I wonder and every morning I wake up with no answers. So yeah, it really feels like it has just been one day, not one year.

A year ago on January 19-2018 I lost my younger brother Todd to suicide. He shot his self in the head and that is a phone call I will never forget. It’s been so hard to try and understand why. He was not only my brother he was my best friend. I think about him everyday and the pain never goes away.

I thought of you this week. Mostly I prayed for your wife and boys you left behind. It’s been 3 months and it is their first Valentine’s day without you. They are hurting. I’m hurting. I had a dream of me and mom and Tiffany going through our boxes from when we were kids. Every time we got to your stuff we would say “remember when Branden…” and we would cry for you. Today I just thought of you and now I can’t stop crying. I miss my brother. I’m mad and I’m sad and I want to why.

Being a sibling survivor of suicide can be truly isolating, as I’m sure you all know. I have a wonderful group of friends to talk with but none of them have a clue what I go through on a daily basis. That behind every smile there’s a hint of guilt that my brother can’t smile anymore, that my birthdays are a reminder that I’ll be older than him soon, that I would trade every positive thing in my life since his death rup go back to our old lives in a heartbeat. So I found this site, in search of those who can relate. Sometimes it’s comforting, and other times I feel even more isolated.
My brother was 5 and a half years older than me. He was my only sibling. We were not that close once he became a teenager. He struggled with addiction for years. I hated him at times (that kind of hate where you still love them but choose to not have themin your life). But then he got clean for good, on his own terms. We both lived with our parents. We started becoming friends for what felt like the first time. I was SO happy to live in the same house. He seemed so happy. We went to the movies and cooked each other food. We had three amazing years of really being brother and sister.
Then one night, he and his new girlfriend got in a fight and she walked out on him. She came back to find him hanging on our patio. My parents and I ran to him. My dad and I took him down and performed CPR while my mom called 911. The paramedics shocked him 4 times, so he still had an electric rhythm. After taking to an EMT friend of him, he said we were probably only a few minutes too late.
So after 3 years of feeling really alone in this grief, I just want to ask if anyone has had a remotely similar experience? Sometimes it’s hard to read other people’s stories who heard the news over the phone, were estranged from their sibling, were best friends with their sibling, have other siblings to talk to… I know everyone here has had an unimaginable loss and I am so sorry for each and every one. I in no way mean to downplay one loss from another, they are all the worst loss any of us have experienced. I’m just looking to not feel so alone. Can anyone relate? Or does anyone else feel this isolated in their grief?