Today You Left Me

My baby brother took his own life today. I cried with him on the phone as I pleaded for his life. I begged him not to leave me. My wife rushed to call the cops and my dad. He told me he was sorry he just couldn’t any more and he loved me…… then he hung up. I screamed, cried, bargained, and begged God as I constantly hit redial. I knew – I could feel it through my body, but yet I continued to call. The last time I spent 24 seconds listening to rustling and screaming his name. For those seconds I was hopeful he was trying to dodge the cops and he was alive BUT the phone disconnected just as my father was calling to tell me I had lost part of my heart and soul. He thought it was for the best. He thought he was doing us a favor.

He couldn’t understand through all of his anguish that he was NEVER a blemish, problem or other wise. He was my baby brother. I loved him unconditionally. He was an amazing uncle……. he knew all that. He knew we loved him, we know he loved us. I have said I wish I would have kept him on the phone a little longer and I get told he would have found another way. I know this but I’m his big sister and I was supposed to protect him, even from his self, and I couldn’t. I couldn’t help him! No one could. My dad has gone through hell to save him, help him, love him….. But he was tired and hurting and though he loved us, he left us….. he left us all broken! And I can’t stop replaying the 1 minute phone call that changed my life forever.

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3 Responses to Today You Left Me

  1. Rachel says:

    I am so sorry you are going through this. I could have written the second paragraph you wrote. My dear brother jumped from his 7th story condo January 2nd after spending New Years with us. I texted him minutes before and could never have seen it coming. Going through his things, I know now he suffered deeply with schizophrenia and lived in his delusions. He is at peace. He is with me. He told me the password to get into his phone, who to contact and even helped redo my resume to help land me a great job. He is here with me everyday. I drive his car when I miss him or wear his shirts. The grief is tolerable some days and suffocating other days. It is harder than my Mom passing away in my arms. I did not get to say goodbye, try to save him or get one last hug. But, we talk daily and he has never been more at peace or clear in his thoughts. I pray you gain a sense of peace but know that it could be days, weeks, months, years or maybe even never as it changes on a daily basis.

  2. Adam says:

    Brother, I know the feeling. Lost my sister almost a year ago, I want to say it gets better, and it does at times, but I don’t think it ever leaves you. Someone on here told me to focus on the good memories. I try to do that and it helps, but we can never forget. Sorry, but hang in there. The first year will be tough…after that I don’t know because I’m in that first year, but I hope with each year it does. I still ask myself ‘what if I’d said this or done this’, but there’s nothing any of us on this site could’ve done. Again, very sorry for your loss but keep on living my friend.

  3. Donal says:

    very sorry for your loss,my baby brother also took his life and it doesn’t seem to get any easier,i think about him even when i think i don’t,he’s always there,he burned himself alive in his car on new years day 2018,it’s horrible but he suffered for years with anxiety,depression and i know he just wanted all the horrible thoughts in his head stop,he didn’t mean to hurt anyone as i’m sure your loved one didn’t either,we could go through the rest of our lives wondering if we could have stopped them but in the end there would have been little we could do.stay strong and always know you are not alone in your struggles and grief.

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