Lost My Brother 1 Year Ago

I lost my older brother to suicide one year ago. I sometimes still cannot believe that it actually happened and he is gone forever. He lost his job and spiraled into a deep depression that none of us realized was as severe as it was. He was always helping other people, always. It was amazing how many stories we heard from friends and co-workers after he died. I think in some way that took a toll on him. Wish I could have helped him like he helped so many people. Wish I would have told him how much I loved him. -Pete

2 thoughts on “Lost My Brother 1 Year Ago

  1. I lost my younger brother a couple years ago. He decided to take his life 3 weeks before Xmas in 2017. Him and his wife had not been getting along. One night he confronted her. She called the cops but now says he did nothing wrong. The police took him to jail. My parents bailed him out. Upon release from jail, he was escorted to his house to pick up clothes and leave. His wife and 3 year old daughter were in the house. The police escort stayed in the living room while he went in his bedroom to pack. He grabbed a gun in his closet and shot himself in the head at point blank. It completely destroyed my mom and dad. My mom has tried to commit suicide twice in the year after my brother’s death. She is now in counseling and in a somewhat better place. I feel like I have to take care of my mom and dad and fill an emotional void he left. I don’t bring up or like talking about his death. My wife, who is my best friend, has brought it up and I refrain from speaking about it. She was 3 weeks from being due for delivery with our second child when it happened. I still get really angry with the whole situation. I feel like my brother left me holding the bag with my parents. I never even cried when it happened and just thought w** is the matter with you. Then I would think you need to stay strong for everyone else. I believe it was the most selfish thing he could of done in a moment of despair. He wasn’t thinking about anyone but himself. Everyone including myself has had crazy thoughts during hard times or when things aren’t going well. It can be really tough but you got to hang on. I would never want to put my loved ones through what he did. It’s been over 2 years and lately I just have been wanting to bull**** with him on the phone and catch up. It hit me pretty hard the other night while driving home from work.

  2. It’s been a year since my brother took his own life. I wake up each day thinking there will be a feeling, an emotion or something to tell me everything will be ok, but i know deep down it will never be ok again. He is gone. It’s something I’ll never find myself accepting. When I talk about it to friends or family, it just seems to bring out words that make me express feelings that I just can’t afford to think. I have a family that depends on me to be strong. My wife asks me all the time how I am and I say “I’m fine”. I’m fine doesn’t mean I forgot. It doesn’t mean I’m not still hurting. It doesn’t mean I’ve moved on. It simply means I’m doing everything I can today to keep going. It’s a hard thing for someone outside to understand. I just want something to fill the hole he left. I am the oldest brother of 3 so it also hits me on “being that big brother example”. Did I not do enough? I think some days what positive things can I do in his name to change this feeling? But it all seems to little too late. Why is time the only thing we have to help us through these things? My brother lost his twin boy and girl. That was the thing that set him over the line I know. I’ve never had a hole I couldn’t fill and this hole is deep dark and in the center of my life. So how do you go on without noticing it everyday, every hour, every minute of my life, is my question?

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