To my older brother (SiblingSurvivors Letters)

At first, I was incredulous. The news fell upon my unexpectant ears and I completely disassociated, I was calm from one place but in reality I was screaming. My fists were banging into my head. I was out of control. Didn’t you realise how much you were loved?
I thought it was a conspiracy. I thought it was a lie. I thought our family was lying to us. Until I saw you. I saw you and your dead hands and unmoving chest. I saw you and I collapsed to the floor crying, all I can see now is those hands. Didn’t you realise how much we loved you?
We carried your coffin at your funeral. My legs were shaking, my heart had fallen and slipped out from beneath my kneecaps. Your son sat in the pew, watching his aunties carry his father to be burned. I have never felt pain like I did that day. The pure unparalleled pain taints me still, it burns white hot right through me everyday. Didn’t you realise how much I loved you?
I will never understand how your reasoning outweighed the reasons to stay, but I understand the turmoil you were in. I just wish I could have saved you, I could have helped you. I wish you had thought of the last time and realised this wasn’t the only option. I wish you could have remembered sitting beside your little sister and supporting her through her suicidal impulses. I wish you could have remembered protecting her against everything in the world, even when you had no power to. I wish you understood the boundless love I have for you.
I miss you and I don’t think anybody will truly understand the depth of this feeling of pure loss. I love you still and always, I’m so sorry that you didn’t think there were other options.

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