K (SiblingSurvivors Letters)

Its been, like, 2 years since I last wrote you on this site. It’s coming up on year four without you and I still feel your absence everywhere. I still panic everytime I smell anything that resembles the flowers at the funeral home. There’s just this gaping hole that’s never going to be filled and it always hurts. I’ve been on this planet longer than my big sister. I’m about to turn 21 and I’m starting college but it doesn’t feel like I’m going anywhere. I feel like
The day you died, my clock just stopped and I’m doing things to better my life but I don’t feel anything other than the pain of your loss.
There were so many times that I wanted to die growing up and I never did it because I thought we had some special connection that nobody could touch and if I died it would ruin you but the longer i exist without you, the more I wonder if you even cared about me at all.
You did the worst thing anyone’s ever done to me. Not when you took your last breath but when you said your final goodbyes to me. When I thought I would see you in a week or two but you were already making your plans. When you looked me right in the eye with no remorse that day outside your dorm and you held me and told me to be good to myself and told me you loved me knowing you were about to destroy me.
You’re the only person in this world I allowed myself to get close to and you took that from me.
And I dont believe in an afterlife and stuff but I feel like I’m actually talking to you when I write to you and I worry that you are still around somewhere and can see this and regret killing yourself and I’m hurting your feelings when I get angry at you.
Idk I just have my own mental illness that was similar to yours and, ultimately, I’m in control of my own actions but I also personify my own mental illness so much that I can’t decide if I should be mad at you for killing yourself or mad at your mental illness for killing you.
Either way I still love you. That’s why it hurts so much.
Miss you,

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