On Christmas Day my 47 year old sister decided to take her own life. No note, no warning. She lived with my mother and her 3 sons. My mother found her on the 26th.
The autopsy report finally came in a few days ago and it was a drug overdose of over 120 Prozac pills and Sudafed. At least we now know. Problem is that I and my mother are disagreeing about what to tell people. I believe in the truth. She wants to protect my sister’s image while I would love to do that my sister left us with 3 devastated young men and a legacy no family should have to bear. Her children have not seen the report and only myself and my mother know the truth. She had the autopsy results for 2 months and never told me. I finally requested a copy for myself to see what the cause was or if it was something congenital since I could barely sleep for fear of never awakening.
My mother has already started telling relatives that she had cervical cancer and that is what took her. She did not have cancer nor did she even have a cervix, she had it removed in a total hysterectomy years ago. I am so angry with my sister and I am at a lost on how to stop these lies or if it will just do more damage if I even try.

Today May 31,2017 marks the day my brother’s body was recovered from a lake.He went missing May 28 ,2014 and passed on the same day.It’s taken me awhile to post here because I still can’t accept that he took his life and in this manner.It’s been 3 years now,but it feels like yesterday.The same pain,the same longing,the same heartache,the same everything.My brother was suffering with S.A.D.,but showed no symptoms of it.I feel we let him down,we should’ve seen something and picked up on it and insisted he get help.So yes ,I feel deep regret.I also feel angry,not at my brother.Sometimes I feel I’m going mad.I’m glad I’ve found this site where I can express what’s on my mind without judgment.

My brother Dan was always someone who would make you laugh and smile with his dry witty humor. He was a two time brain tumor survivor and I was always amazed at how brave he was going through chemo and surgeries. My father started off very mentally abusive to me, my mother and then to my brother which had escalated one day I came home to a police officer telling me my father stabbed my brother which my brother had survived. My father and mother then got a divorce. I was relieved to find my father to never come back to hurt us again. Life seemed good. 8 months later My brother was suffering from depression because he felt hopeless in life. He believed brain surgeries left him to be handicapped and slow forever and also was sad at age of 31 did not have a wife and children and as independent he imagined he would have been by now. Me and my mother work 3rd shift as nurses. My mother unfortunately arrived home first as I could hear yelling inside the house thinking my brother and her were arguing but for me to walk into our living room to see a ladder and a rope hanging from banister with my lifeless brother body with her weeping next to him holding him. Aug. 26 2016 was when the worst day of my life and the last day I would ever see my brother again. The day of his death, and the two following days a black butterfly would always follow me. I research online what it could mean and I believed it was my brother saying his last goodbyes to me before his spirit crossed over. To my brother Dan I love you everyday and I hope you are chillin and laughing in heaven and for one day for us to be together again. Love you forever

I lost my brother to suicide October 2016. I know he had problems but I thought he was handling his circumstances well. Due to learning disabilities, he never made much more than minimum wage. He was victim of a for profit college that put him 40k in debt. A sum he could never pay and no ability to discharge the debt. With two wage garnishment, he was the definition of the working poor. He had promised me if he needed help he would call me, but he was proud. I later learned he was about to be evicted. All it would have taken is a phone call. I would have done what was needed. He knew that and he had promised me he would reach out. I don’t understand why death was preferrable. I cry every day, but I am also so angry at someone who dies not even exist. I want to scream at him and kick his butt. I want to hug him. I feel so betrayed. What he did was unbelievably cruel and self centered. I thought he loved me. He had to know he was loved. Why did that not matter.? All he had to do was to pick up the phone and call instead of hanging himself by a door knob. I don’t understand.

Just want you to know

Our parents committed suicide when I was 12 and my brother was 8 years old. 5 years later, I haven’t been feeling well. The past few weeks I’ve thought about leaving this world. After finding this site though, I’m definitely not going to do it. It’s heartbreaking to read your stories and I’m so sorry for your loss. I’ve realised my brother really needs his big sister, I can’t be selfish. I’ve already scheduled an appointment with a psychologist as soon as possible (thanks socialism). You don’t have to post this but I want you to know this site is very useful and important and you have to keep it up.

My little sister hung her self only hours ago. I was the one to find her. I am in so much pain and every time I close my eyes the scene of me finding her replays in my mind on loop. I’m glad it was me though. I lost a brother almost three years ago to cancer, and I couldn’t bare if my parents had found her. I’m still numb. Still in shock. I’ve been suffering anxiety and depression among other mental illnesses for quite some time now and it’s, very, very intense right now. She left a note, and a document on her computer, semi explaining herself. It was because the world is chaotic and evil (a lot of it. Not all) she knew she was loved and she knew we would do anything for her. But she never saw a future for herself. We come from a very spiritual, religious background. And about a year ago she stopped believing. Even became atheist. And I cannot bare to think she is anywhere but heaven right now. Any prayers for her are very welcome and encouraged. And if that’s not your thing, please. Send good vibes. Her name was Sara. 18 years of age. Two weeks before graduation. On her prom night.

30 years ago my 11 year old brother shot him self while I was watching him. I was 14 and my parents took the puppies to training class. That day we played and wrote on each other with markers. I have a hard time remembering his voice now and his personality but on the hard days I comes rushing back. He had talked to me that day about how I would do it and he had written a letter about what he wanted done with his things I even took the gun out of his hand that day and told him he would be in trouble for having it. We had talked a little after and I went down stairs to play a game with him. I yelled up a couple times wondering what was taking him so long. That’s when I heard him drop the ketchup bottle and break it. Now I’m thinking we are both in trouble for it. Little did I know he just shot off his head with a 44. I yelled up a few times and still no answer. Sometime later I went up to find him in my parents room with his head missing and a giant mess all over the wall and ceiling. I froze I think felt like I stood there for hours. I don’t know why but I rode my bike around our small town. Things get fuzzy now but I found a policeman along the way and was sitting in the back of his car outside my house with a bunch of other first responders. I don’t remember much else of the night other then wanting water and my dad asking me if it was the gun. I lost my brother and my father that day. He shut down and 25 years later died from not taking care of himself. Maybe we both shut down and my mom over compensated For it. I still never know when emotion will overwhelm me either good or bad. Maybe his death saved my life because there are time I know how he must of felt that day but I know how how everyone else felt the next. My wife and kids suffer from my demons when they take over.but most of the time we are a happy loving family. They deserve better and it’s not fair to my kids to have to see my bad days. They are few and far between which takes us all by surprise and that makes it worse coming out of the blue like they do. I wish I could have seen my brother grow and have him to talk to. Now my dad is gone I feel because he didn’t want to live anymore either. He died the day they were going to sign paper on a house to move closer to my family.

My Dearest Brother. Here is May 6th rolling around yet again. 25 yrs ago I picked your teeth out of the pine trees and covered your body matter with rocks that the EMT left behind. My deep sorrow of missing you never gets any better. I cannot help but wonder how your 60th birthday would have been this year! I wonder where you are now. I still have my little jewelry box on my dresser you gave me when I was so little. You were always so sweet and kind… and you never had a chance in this life. I could not be sorrier that you could not see any other way out of your pain than to shoot yourself. In the dark, in the early morning, deep in the woods. How terrifying or peaceful was thay for you?! Those nights out there are pitch black and I remember them well. I wish I could’ve said goodbye. I wish so many things. I wish I could undo so much of the past but what did I know back then. I can’t believe I have made it 10 years past what you did!! I still think of you every time I go to a new place that is just beautiful & live it for you. I still think of you every time I see fireworks. My deep sorro for you will NEVER EVER go away. I can’t help but feel so cheated and robbed from not having you here longer on this planet. I truly hope I can see you again in Heaven-you deserve no other place to be than there. You were such an awesome sweet & gentle soul that we all took for granted. Missing you so hard shows the deep impact you greatly had on my life. This is not about me & the hole or aftermath of you leaving us – I get that you were in immense pain, but I just really want to say how much I miss you & wish you were still around. Love always, your Baby Sister