I’ve never done this before and I’m not really sure why I’m starting now, I guess I just want feel less alone in my pain. My brother committed suicide about 9 months ago and as painful as it was in the beginng, my life seemed to carry on to the point where I almost thought I could live with what happened. I would cry every now and then at night or get sad when I saw a picture but I’ve never been a person that cries to begin with and I usually keep my pain to myself. I think about him everyday and everyday it hurts but the pain has not stopped me from living. I wrote a paper about him in school and it was hard to do but I could handle it and I haven’t had many moment of breaking down. I really thought that I could deal with what happened to my brother and that I would be OK as I have been doing really well these past months. It wasn’t until today when I was cleaning out my closet and found his old shirt that I realized I have been wrong. I walk by his room everyday and even go in it often with my mother and reminisce on his artifacts left there. I still walk into his room and wear his shirts and hoodies all the time and can continue normally throughout my fay. I thought nothing of returning his shirt until I arrived at his closet. When I got there I just found myself looking at his clothes still hanging on the rack. I saw his size 12 shoes empty and slightly worn on the ground, his stuff animals in a box on the shelf, and a poster he had made when he was in kindergarten. These were all items I have frequently seen before and they were nothing out of the ordinary. But All of a sudden I couldn’t breath, I couldn’t bring myself to hang the shirt I had taken from him so long ago. I imagined his thin frame that used to barely fill out his favorite shirts that hung before me. Its been a really long time since I have sobbed or even cried but today I couldn’t even stand in that moment. I fell to the floor and cried for 3 long hours and looked through all of his things over and over again. It was like I was seeing all of his possessions for the first time after his death and I physically could not bring myself to leave his room. It has been 9 months and this is the first time this has happened to me besides in the first couple of weeks after he died. I don’t know why this is all coming out now or if this newfound sadness I feel will stay for a while. I am not an emotional person and often I am the one comforting my mother and older brother but right now I am paralyzed by sadness. I don’t have many people to talk to about my brother and even more so I don’t like talking about my brother with people because I feel like no one would understand. I guess I just want to know if there is anyone else out there that has had a similar experience to me. Usually I can block out my sadness and distract myself but today is the first time that is has been impossible for me to think of anything else. I guess I’m just looking for some direction, or some advise that could pull me out of this immense pain I am currently feeling.
This is not a suicide or crisis resource. Please contact a counselor, family member, friend, or emergency services if you are having suicidal thoughts.
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For Deaf, Hard of Hearing, and People with Speech Disabilities who use a TTY, call 1-800-799-4TTY (4889)