Mother’s Day without you…

Serg, it’s been 5 1/2 months now and your boys birthdays have past, we got through it somehow but the most heartbreak occassion was finally here, “Mother’s Day”… Our mom is devastated, she was in tears all day. We went to have lunch with Moni and there were a few distractions but it never felt the same as when we were all together. She missed your gift (perfume every year), she was so sad it breaks my heart to see her but it broke my heart not to receive your call or text wishing me a happy mother’s day… I guess this is it, this is the way our life will be without you in it! We did not deserve this but we are not selfish, you had your reasons, I just wish you would have given us a choice because we would have begged you to stay close to us and let us help you. Our love for you is so immense that we would have done the impossible to help you. Our family has changed but our strong love has not mijo, I will love you & cry for you all my life. I hope you are happy & pain free like you deserve to be… I love you with all the love possible that one can give… Forever your sis

My baby brother committed suicide on September 29,2017, I can still picture the exact moment and the exact words when I got the call from my mom. I’ve been searching for ways to cope. I’m no longer in denial about the fact that I need to seek professional help.
I miss him so much. No day has been the same since he’s been gone. In this moment I can’t even sleep. Just laying here crying as I looked at his pictures. I wish he’d send me a sign or left a letter. I have so many unanswered questions. I know being gay, having cancer, and coping with HIV was extremely difficult for him. I just wish he’d call and said goodbye. This chapter will never close and I have this huge feeling of guilt.
I never thought that I’d have to deal with anything like this in life. I don’t think I’ll ever be the same. I’m drowning in grief to the point that I can’t even clearly recall our last conversation. I’m pretending to be okay for my family and work but deep down inside I break down a little each day. My family has been very supportive but I need more than that. I need answers that I’ll never get…

Hello, I’m here to talk about my brother. He had always struggled with his thoughts, when I was 12 he was 22 he was living with his girlfriend opposite Multi storie car park, I was the last to see him on the day I ran up jumped in to his arms and asked “where are you going?.” He replied “I’m going to see (the girlfriend)” I said “ok make sure you come back tonight.!” I ended it by saying see you soon you tw*t love you loads.
Darren’s girlfriend decided she couldn’t cope with Darren always reliving the horrible things dad used to do so she wanted a break.. I came home to find everyone out our next door neibours took us in and we (me and my twin brother) helped with there wardrobe. My mum called us and said she was at the hospital as she fell and had broke her leg ( this was not true)There was a knock on the door it was dad we went round to ours and was sat in the front room it was strange as dad was there with two police officers they told us that Darren had jumped from the top storie building and that he was alive but in a critical condition.
We rushed to the hospital to find mum in a room alone and upset. I don’t think I knew how bad it was I was annoyed with mum for lying to me as I was worried and sad that she was hurt. Darren survived this but with serious injury’s. he’d broke his back- he had a metal plate in his back, his leg bones went through his ankles- he’d lost a few inches off his height, his nose was torn open- he had a large scar and he had chipped his tooth, his first words was howdy when he woke after he was realised we all helped. mum changed his heart line and I used to massage his feet-(I pulled a stich out once). He had Counselling and we thought he was getting better.
Five years later it was the one year anniversary of my grans death( she passed of cancer, Darren knew he couldn’t help but he tried to resuscitate her) the night before he and mum was talking about the flowers for the crem and he put plasters on her blister he was watching football like every other week end, he smiled at me when I came home and I went to bed.
The following day I was awoken to my brother shouting wake up Amanda wake up Darren’s dead he’s killed him self I went to the gate and he was there in the drivers seat his head had fallen to the side he looked as though he was just sleeping. He had took my mums car keys and had killed himself on the drive. He died of carbon monoxide poisoning.
We lost him on the 30 of December 2012 it’s been five years you think what could we have done different but there would have always been another way for him. We stay strong for our mother she’s suffered from depression since. I think about the songs we’ve sung and the amazing times we’ve had even iff it was just playing tennis or curbby.
Too me he’s still my brother even though he’s not here, I talk as much as I can about him his laugh his smile the way he made us all feel special.
I lost him just before my 18 birthday it still hurts everyday I’m now 23 I often get sad by thinking soon enough I would have spent more of my life without him then with. I miss him everyday. Although it still hurts you just gotta think when there is a storm no matter how bad the sun will shine it has too, no matter how long it takes it hurts less.

My sister Barbara committed suicide in September 1972. It has been almost 46 yrs and I think of her every day. She was older than me by 13 yrs and was like a mother to me when I was a baby and little girl. She was a beautiful talented girl she loved her high school years. She went to Baldwin Wallace College in Berea Ohio and excelled and enjoyed her college years. She met a man in 1964 shortly before she graduated college and fell head over heels for him. He was such a jerk. She married him. He was emotionally cruel to her for the years they were married. She withdrew from our family that was the first sign. He began to torment her and call her fat and say she had a big nose. He would go golfing on weekends and leave her alone. She was alone a lot. She suffered insomnia for years. She saw a psychiatrist several different times. She attempted suicide with an overdose and was in the hospital and she never told us and neither did her husband. He kept her under his thumb. We watched a beautiful talented woman fall to the depths of despair and there was nothing we could do. She ended her life in her car in a garage. Tragic then and still tragic. The loss of her still makes me sick. She was 30 when she committed suicide and I was about 17 and I still have a hard time with it. I have had several dreams lately where I discover she is still alive but wants nothing to do with us, her family. The heartache I feel in my sleep is so deep. I end up telling her that we love her and when she is ready we want to show her love. So sad. She was an exceptional music teacher and had so much to give the world. She was highly educated – masters degree in music ed her life at 30 was just beginning. Her tormentor husband had her cremated and sent her ashes home in a cardboard box. He would not allow her family to have one item of hers. He and his mother got rid of all her belongings and swept her out with the trash. He married a 19 yr old shortly after.

My brother committed suicide on Tuesday April 24, 2018. By the end of that Thursday (26th), my husband felt I should be over it, by that Saturday he was calling me a cry baby and telling me that my brother’s death has done nothing but inconvenience him and I need to get over it already. His youngest boy died in an accident in 2010, then his mother passed in 2012. I went above and beyond to ensure the family (including his ex-wife) made it through. I called all of them daily, made home cooked meals and made sure everyone was eating, and whatever other support I could offer. When I stated that, my husband barked at me, “I never asked you to do anything”. Part of my soul left with my brother and not being able to grieve and not be chastised is ripping me apart.

Only 2 years apart in age, never lived a single day without her. October 16 2017, my best friend, my little sister, took her life in the backyard of someone’s house. My beautiful angel, now will only be a memory. How can I do it alone?

A little over 4 months ago my younger sister took her own life. She had been struggling for so long with Borderline Personality Disorder. She had tried multiple times in the past, but not for a while. We thought she was doing a little better. She was getting treatment across the country where we visited as much as we could. We talked every day, often multiple times a day. She had just moved back home and was applying to school to finish college. She was 27 and had never been able to because of her disorder. She was the most caring, selfless, fun loving, spontaneous, always up for adventure, silly, hilarious, witty, physically beautiful as well with gorgeous dark hair and striking blue eyes. She had another side to her. The disorder. She had trouble regulating her mood, would lash out at little things and overreact. Scream. She would get manic and have panic attacks and was often antsy and couldn’t sit still for long. She got agitated very quickly. At the same time, she would then hate herself for being the way she was. She would always say sorry and felt so horribly when she finally processed that she had just made others feel bad. She hated herself. She felt she was ugly and unloveable.

I loved her with all my heart. Nothing anyone said to her made her feel worth anything. She felt she was not worth saving. I would have not only saved her—I would have died for her in a heartbeat. We were only 10 months apart, but she was my little sister and I was always protective and defended her ever since we were little. She based her value on how others saw her, and she hated what she thought they saw. Any little action that she interpreted as rejection would tear her to pieces—even if that wasn’t the intention. Often people didn’t know she was so hurt by little things they had done. She had always had trouble with friends and reading social cues, as well. A girl she has been friends with since she was 2 who had been distancing herself from my sister because of her outbursts and need for love and not rejection was pushing my sister over the edge.

The night she committed suicide she had gone to dinner and she was happy, and then someone asked her to move to the end of the table. She did, and was unable to hear anything and was totally removed from the social situation and rejected by the party, in her eyes. She got up, went to the bathroom, then went home. She ended up taking a bottle of doxepine and never woke up. The following morning was the worst of of my life. I got a call from my strong, calm father. He was weeping like I hadn’t heard him weep before. Through his screaming and hysterical crying I just heard “she’s gone. Get over here now” and I still didn’t process it but panicked and threw clothes on and rushed over. On the drive over I called my husband and told him the same thing and hung up. I called my dad back and asked which hospital she was going to and he had to repeat over and over that we weren’t going to the hospital. I yelled why and he just couldn’t get through to me. I didn’t want to miss her if they went to a hospital and I went to his house. I rushed past multiple cop cars in front of my dads building and an ambulance and raced up to the apartment. Throwing open the front door I saw policemen awkwardly standing around and my dad hysterical and a mess and it was all a blur. I charged past everyone and into her room. At the sight of her lifeless eyes and hands clenched, I lost it. I sobbed and sat on the floor and said there must be some way to wake her up.

Angrily I asked did they even try to revive her? What were they waiting for. Hours went by and she was in that room. Most of the day. My whole family just in tears, unable to speak. Barely breathing. We couldn’t believe it was true. We all went in and out. I went in after hours and lay next to her. To some this may sound weird, but I didn’t want to let her go and I wanted to stay with her. I smelled her hair one last time, I tried to close her eyes but they wouldn’t close, I held her clenched hand in mine. I hugged her. She was so cold. I noticed her nails and how bitten down they were. She always did that. I kissed her on the forehead and cheek and didn’t want to leave. I finally went into the other room when the first examiners came to the house. I waited and I alternated between crying my eyes out and sitting there staring at the wall in total shock. Then they rolled her out of her room in a black body bag. I lost it. This wasn’t real.

Even though she had been struggling, it seemed to be ok and it was still so sudden. I wish she had called me. I want one more hug, one more kiss, to bury my face in her hair embraced in a bear hug once more. I miss her so much every second of every day and the pain is unbearable. Our family has fallen apart and everyone is suffering beyond belief. I feel like my heart has been ripped in two and I don’t know how to move forward. I hear her voice I try to make myself dream about her but it has only been a couple of times. In one of the dreams I was trying to teach her to fly, oddly enough, but I guess that says a lot..I don’t know..I’m not religious, but if I was I would say she’s the one flying now. I miss her so much it is physically painful. It comes in unbearable waves. Days I don’t believe it happened and that she will call me any minute, or come over to my house, and then there are days I suddenly start bawling my eyes out trying to catch my breathe. I would have died for her in a heartbeat. I would have taken away all her pain in a heartbeat. I would do anything ANYTHING just to have her heart beat again.

I love you, my little bear. I miss you and love you with all of my heart, every second of every day, and I can’t imagine living the rest of my life without you, but I guess I have to try to keep going.
You are my hero and my heart.

I just want to say- thank you.
Thank you for the 21 years in my life.
Xxx
Your little sister

The last time I heard my brother’s voice was a month ago on March 27th. My mom picked up but she didn’t know this was Wesley. At the time my parents put a restraining order on my brother. He wasn’t allowed to contact our parents or his daughter. For several years my brother struggled with Alcohol Addiction. The doctors already told him last August he only has 70% of his liver. If he kept up his drinking he would only have a couple years to live.

So from August to November he lived at home with us. My brother was a violent drunk but when he didn’t drink he was the most caring person. A day after Halloween I took his girlfriend to the bus depot. The night before he began to fight her but she ran away. So I told her to leave but that I am sorry for what is happening. My brother came home to find everyone gone. So in a drunk blind rage he broke everything in my room. This was when my parents banned him from the house.

He was calling from the hospital. My brother told me he had a seizure in the middle of the gas station. As he talked I could tell he was drunk. Later on he relented his drinking could be the cause of his seizure (Our mom has seizures, so heredity also could be a factor). He also apologized to me for breaking my stuff and I forgave him. I remember hearing him cry in relief. Telling me he is not surprised by what I said and that he misses me. He also got to talk to my mom and his daughter. Eventually I had to tell my dad. I can’t lie to him.

Then I began noticing my mom getting upset and frantic. One of the things she said was he wanted to commit suicide. I was mad at him for making mom sad. The next time he called we got into an argument. He belittled me so much I was pissed. At the time, I felt like things will never change. Just our lives stuck on repeat. So I told him never to call back and that we won’t visit him. Then I unplugged the phone so he couldn’t say more worse things to our mom.

10 days later he was hit by a car and died. His death was ruled an accident but I know this is what he wanted. He would always talk about ways to kill yourself. I remember him saying he would want his death so horrible our dad will cry. At the moment, our family seems to have moved on so quickly. They all believe he was so drunk he accidentally walked out into the street.

Deep down my brother was hurt by my actions. He truly believed no one cared about him. So he gave up. Now I can never say, “I’m sorry and I love you.”

April 10th of 2016. It was a Sunday morning. I was asleep in bed with my boyfriend, Tj. And at 7 am I wake up to the sound of knocking. My parents are here. Just 8 days before my mother called to tell me my older brother Sammy had run away. He had been struggling to our knowledge for only a month or two. Since his passing I’ve found his journals… he had been contemplating suicide since 2013. We had no idea. He was a beautiful man. 21 years young. Handsome and tan, blonde and strong. He had so many friends and participated in marching bands and indoor percussion and drumline all over the US. He could play the trumpet and the bass drum and the symbols. He was a leader in everything he did. He took charge, was considerate of feelings and would go out of his way unprompted to help a friend
He understood me in a way nobody else does…or ever will. Not even the relationship between my little brother and I could ever compare. He accepted me as I am. Loud and impatient, silly and overdramatic. I never had to explain myself to him. He always just knew… he understood.
On the chilly drizzly morning of April 6th 2016. He was found lying face down in the back parking lot of a Kmart in Maui, Hawaii. He had put a ziptie around his throat and tightened it until it cut off blood supply and oxygen. The coroners report says it took a few minutes. He stumbled around. And when he feel he scraped his knees and the side of his beautiful cheek. Then he died. Alone in the rain. My heart aches for that moment. For if I couldn’t have prevented him from killing himself… I so terribly wish o could have at least held him. No man that wonderful and beautiful and full of love should have to die alone in the cold rain. Behind a f…ing Kmart. It’s been 2 years. He missed little Ethan graduating highschool. He missed my wedding. My parents cry each and every day. I wish I had known. I would have told him how much I looked up to him. How much I respected him. How much I loved him like no other. His name was Samuel Thomas Spott. And he was my big brother. The best big brother.