Feeling cheated (SiblingsSurvivors Guest Post)

I was told all my life I had a big brother my mom gave up for adoption a few years before I was born. Therefore I started looking for him when I legally was allowed to. I dreamt of what that moment would be like holding my big brother in my arms in a big hug, telling him stories of my childhood but also telling him how much I wish he had been apart of it. So he was born in 1977 and I was born in 1980 not very far apart I always felt him near but couldn’t pin him down. So my whole life I had this small void where he should have been I wanted my brother in my life even if he may or may not have wanted me in his. You see he was adopted and I didn’t know by who I had been searching for him for about 19 years I spent searching for him when I finally got the information on his where about a one winter afternoon. But the voice on the other end said to me Jenn He committed suicide feb 12th 2015 this was told to me Jan 30th 2017 I about dropped the phone. I have spent so much time since then trying to figure out why what was going on that bad that he would take his own life. I learned from his ex gf that he hung himself no one understands really what made him do it. I hear he was deeply depressed. All I could think of was How could you do this to me and the rest of your family? I feel cheated out of getting to know my brother I almost wanted to scream (now you come back now and take this pain away) but I knew it wouldn’t happen he was gone I’d fall to my knees and cry just wanting him to come back I wanted that hug I had always dreamed of and now my heart is broken I’ll never get that I’m slowly coping day to day but it’s still so hard how do mend a a shattered heart ?

One thought on “Feeling cheated (SiblingsSurvivors Guest Post)

  1. This story breaks my heart. My adopted son ended his life when he was 21 years old. He was adopted when he was 3 mo. old, and was (and is) loved beyond measure – by not only his family but so many others. I have learned much about adopted children and suicide since his death and believe there can be a huge connection. Not all adoptions end in suicide of course, but more than I was ever aware — even when the child is loved and blessed with a wonderful family who would do anything for them. The book “The Primal Wound – Understanding the Adopted Child” by Nancy Newton Verrier can shed much light on the subject. I miss my son desperately, as do his siblings, and even though it has been nine years, all we want to do is turn back the hands of time. And if we had the chance to do it all over again, knowing the outcome would be the same, we wouldn’t hesitate — but we would fight like hell to change that ending! Please know your brother did not want to hurt you or anyone else.

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