I was told all my life I had a big brother my mom gave up for adoption a few years before I was born. Therefore I started looking for him when I legally was allowed to. I dreamt of what that moment would be like holding my big brother in my arms in a big hug, telling him stories of my childhood but also telling him how much I wish he had been apart of it. So he was born in 1977 and I was born in 1980 not very far apart I always felt him near but couldn’t pin him down. So my whole life I had this small void where he should have been I wanted my brother in my life even if he may or may not have wanted me in his. You see he was adopted and I didn’t know by who I had been searching for him for about 19 years I spent searching for him when I finally got the information on his where about a one winter afternoon. But the voice on the other end said to me Jenn He committed suicide feb 12th 2015 this was told to me Jan 30th 2017 I about dropped the phone. I have spent so much time since then trying to figure out why what was going on that bad that he would take his own life. I learned from his ex gf that he hung himself no one understands really what made him do it. I hear he was deeply depressed. All I could think of was How could you do this to me and the rest of your family? I feel cheated out of getting to know my brother I almost wanted to scream (now you come back now and take this pain away) but I knew it wouldn’t happen he was gone I’d fall to my knees and cry just wanting him to come back I wanted that hug I had always dreamed of and now my heart is broken I’ll never get that I’m slowly coping day to day but it’s still so hard how do mend a a shattered heart ?
This is not a suicide or crisis resource. Please contact a counselor, family member, friend, or emergency services if you are having suicidal thoughts.
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