I miss you too much

You left me on June 1st without a goodbye. That’s one part that hurts the most. I’ve searched through all of your journals for mentions of me. There weren’t many but I’m glad to know you cared for me. I tried so hard to help you throughout your whole life. You never listened. You were the quintessential little brother. I loved you and I hated you. You were my best friend and you were super annoying. Tomorrow will be your 30th birthday and I’m a mess. I will never forget our last conversation and the absolute sorrow in your voice as you pretended to be happy about the news of my wedding date being set. Your last words to me were “I’ll see you then” which I thought was so strange since the wedding would be months away and I would definitely see you before then. You lied to me. And I knew it. I knew when you said those words and how you sounded that you were lying. Those words, your voice, are forever imprinted in my mind. I can’t believe you are gone. I still search for you in crowds, thinking I might spot you even though I saw you lifeless on the basement floor. My mind seems to be playing tricks on me. It hurts too much now that you’re gone. I loved you your whole life, little brother. I will love you for the rest of mine. I wish you were still here. Have a good birthday in Heaven tomorrow with Dad. And please show me a sign tomorrow that you’re okay. I miss you so much.

6 thoughts on “I miss you too much

    1. My brother shot himself in the head.. And not anything left… They wouldn’t even let me see him it was so bad… It’s now been 5 yrs. Last month Aug. 26th 2011…SOOOOO ANGRY W/HIM… WHY COULDN’T HE COME TO ME? WE WERE 10 MONTHS APART… Some days it’s unbearable… How do I even try to move on…

      1. I don’t know. I don’t think there is a moving on. There’s just an acceptance of what happened and living with it. That’s all we can do. It sucks and hurts like hell, but that’s what we were given so we just carry on and deal with all of the emotions the best we can as they come. Love and light to you.

    2. Thank you. I’m getting married this Saturday and I’m sure I’ll do plenty of smiling! Love and light to you.

  1. “I loved you your whole life, little brother. I will love you for the rest of mine.”

    I love that part in your letter. It brings tears to my eyes as its exactly how I feel about my little brother. Its been just over a year since he decided to change our lives forever. Things do get better but he has taken a piece of my heart with him.

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