The things you’ve missed (SiblingSurvivors Letters)

Its been one year today since you took your own life leaving a gaping wound in those you left behind. Here are some of the things that you have missed since you took your own life.
– Jameson was born just after Labor Day. You would have been an uncle again. You never got to change a newborn diaper, feed him a bottle, see him climb over all the dogs, learn how to crawl, and start to form words. He now has 5 teeth, is starting to take his first steps, and stating to word associate. I’m sure you would have had a blast with him especially in the pool.
– Madelyn you missed Madelyn’s ballet recital. Mom and Dad came to see her part but had to leave before the whole thing was over so they could drive up to PA and bury your ashes. She recently had her 5th birthday party, and is learning to ride her new bike. She starts real school in two weeks and is excited. She remembers you and will mention you every once in a while mostly connected to either how you took her to Busch Gardens, or when mom is really sad.
– Kim and I are fine. Both working more than we really want to. We bought a house, best one that fit our desires, and moved out of Mom and Dad’s, so now the guest room and your room is open. We have an awesome basement that I know you would have tried to move into, and a pool and playground less than a 5 min walk.
– Bethany started her trip around the world. She’s been traveling since April and should have a bunch of stuff to post on her travel blog. I can’t wait till she gets home and can share some stories.
– Mom and Dad are dealing. They have good days and bad. They love Jameson, but I know it hurts them to see him because he reminds them of you. Dad still hasn’t been up to the room above the shop. Bethany and mom went in and cleaned the room, took down all the stuff you had on the walls, did your laundry, etc. Dad gave away your motorcycle. As the last project you guys were working on together he couldn’t see finishing it. The house you and he were renovating is almost done. With you not there to help it took a lot longer and Dad’s trying to decide if they still want to manage it on Airbnb or just sell it outright. It turned out really nice and you would have liked it (I know you were planning on living there for at least a little while).
Those are the highlights. I’m not going to talk much about your funeral because that’s not for you. Mom and Dad had you cremated, lots of their friends and some of yours came. Most of the family was there at some point and it was nice to see everyone. Holidays were pretty shitty, Halloween was an afterthought, I don’t even remember thanksgiving (I think we did an awkward meal at mom and dads), Mom didn’t want to celebrate Christmas so we spent it with friends. Since our birthdays were a week apart it made my birthday kind of an afterthought. I just asked Kim and neither of us can remember anything about it.
I’m still angry at you. I know we didn’t get along for a good portion of our lives. I wanted good things for you; I wanted you to be successful, to find someone that you cared about and cared about you too, to have children of your own and see you with them. But instead you ended your own life. You left all of your problems behind for others to deal with. Like I told your body at the viewing, I hope one day I can get past my anger, but I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to forgive you.

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