Bad days outweigh good days.

Guest Post
My younger brother hung himself 6 weeks ago, he was 58. He had 6 sisters, I was the closest in age to him. I have no siblings close in age now.
I thought I was handling this but now the bad days are more frequent.
He left behind a wife and four boys and I cannot imagine how they are coping.
It seems like my friends just don’t get it or think you should have moved on by now. That is okay as I don’t need them, just sad, sad days.

My Brother

Guest Post
My Brother took his own life by hanging, it will be 5 years on Easter Monday, I miss him so much and think about him every day, he was my only sibling and my best friend, he never got over the tragic deaths of our Mum and Dad and struggled to move on, he was intelligent and had a sense of humour to match, I just feel completely numb alot of the time and feel I’ve been cheated out of the best years of my life with him, I just constantly miss him and feel so low and down.

Life nearly 2 years on

Guest Post
Hey brother,
I often write to you, I have a book specifically for you and letters to you. I often find I wrote to you when I’m feeling overwhelmed with sadness and pain.
I want to speak aloud to you, but I still can’t. The lump that forms in my throat when I try and talk to you is huge and stops my voice, but writing to you is the same really. And I think conversations with you every day too.
The pain of losing you sometimes hits me just as hard as it did when I saw Dad’s name on my phone nearly 2 years ago. Hits me from nowhere and your 2 year old niece often wipes my tears. She’s incredible and you would love her so much. Not just for the little person she’s become, the character, the attitude and sass but for how she continues to be my strength when I don’t have any. And she knows all about you. She thinks your funny. Our house phone rang a few months back and she answered it. When I asked who it was she said it was uncle Jamie, I hope you were there in some way.
It’s now been 2 years since I last saw you, last hugged you. I can still feel that hug, it was different to our normal hugs, harder and tighter because it was the first time I had seen you since she ended your marriage and you were hurting.
I found a charity that has been incredible for me, just having someone to talk to and be completely honest with about my feelings, my anger, my confusion, my guilt, my regrets and every other emotion. Someone who has been through it themselves in some capacity so it’s ok to say some of the awful the things I think.
For the first time last week, I actually sat down with a cuppa during nap time and thought to myself ‘I’ll give J a call in a sec’. I don’t think I’ve ever done that, that hit me like a bus.
My life will never be the same, this hole in my heart will never mend and everything in my life is now referred to as before or after you. But I am so grateful to have had you for your forever.
I always sign off with ‘miss you everyday’ but that doesn’t quite do it really, there’s missing someone and then there’s this that I haven’t yet found a word for. So until I do find a word to describe just how much I miss you, I miss you everyday! Xxxx

Daisy

Guest Post, Letters
My sweet girl,
I miss you. I have no words. I have nothing to say. I just have this heaviness in my heart. I love you. Memories of you keep flooding my head. There are so many things we’ve done together,  so many moments we’ve  shared. The good, the bad, the silly, the crazy. It’s been a year and throughout this year, there’s nobody whom I have shared any such moments with. Nobody knows me like you did. I remember the way you talked,  you walked, the way you were so obsessed with your hair and skin, how you would always have a bottle of water with you to drink, the way you’d always have your cozy night dress on before sleeping,  how you loved animals and they loved you back, how kind, how sweet, how much of a good driver you were, your kind of songs and your love for food, your beautiful hair, skin, your long hands, your well kept nails, how you’d dance, your smile, how you’d raise your hands up when your stomach ached from laughing too much. The thing is Dei, I just miss you so much that I don’t cry anymore. It hurts too much. I want to see you. I will hold on to all the memories I have of you until I see you again.
I’m sorry.

Hey Johnny, Fly High, Baby Brother

Guest Post, Letters
Hey Johnny, I wasn’t ready to lose you. You took your life on the 19th of last month. It’s been ridiculously hard without you. I wish I could talk to you again, I wish I could’ve given you a hug and tell you everything was going to be okay.
I got you out of our toxic families house in October, you had lived with me since then. When you left to visit them, you never said goodbye, or gave me a hug before you left, like you normally did. I wish I could’ve saved you. You kept me grounded all these years and I feel so lost without you.
You’re my baby brother, we were going to go bowling on your 21st birthday, we were five months away from celebrating your birthday before I got that phone call.
They wouldn’t even bury you. They cremated you, turned you to ashes. And guess what necklaces they chose to carry you around in? A bullet. It’s horrific that they don’t see anything wrong with memorializing you that way.
You were the purest person I knew. You were my best friend. You were the one person in the world I felt wasn’t against me. I never thought I’d outlive you. Dad has been pretty broken but he’s been emailing me, checking up on me. Dad didn’t leave your side after you passed. I wish I could’ve been there, this was the first time I truly hated living so far away from our hometown.
They took pictures after the doctors called time of death, I haven’t had the closure, until today when dad sent them to me. I wish it weren’t real. I wish you were still here. I wish you didn’t leave the world so soon. You were like a guardian angel in my life, and I wasn’t ready for you to leave. I don’t think I ever would’ve been.
My heart breaks everyday, but I’m trying. No one in life ever prepares you for the heartbreak of losing someone you love. I love you, Johnny, forever and always, you’ll always be my baby brother. My twin born four years late.
-I love you so much, Katie

Always with me

Guest Post
According to Mama, I fell in love with you the day you came home, even though I was only thirteen months old. We were together our entire lives; sharing a bedroom for the first eighteen years, sharing an apartment at University. You were my best friend and soul mate, my maid of honour, and my children’s favourite aunt. You know all that. This has been the worst year of my life, all 59 days of it, so far, since learning New Year’s Day that you were missing and couldn’t be found. We drove two hours thinking when we got there, we might actually have a chance of finding you. How you made it to the water is anyone’s guess. I miss you so much. How am I to go forward? I keep praying that you will come back, this has all been a terrible dream. I am told it will get easier, but I cannot believe it. I am broken. You will not be forgotten. I will create something for you, about you, that will last forever. I will love you forever. Tu hermana.

To Angela an Angel always

Letters
Dear Angela,
God it’s hard since 3 years ago you decided you no longer wanted to be here with me to speak your name without realizing “you are really gone.” I often find myself waking up in the middle of the night wanting to pick up the phone to just hear you or dads voice whether it’s laughing or you making those crazy cat noises resembling Bubbles or Binkie…I guess I will never make those long hour drives from Beaufort to Atlanta to see you and dads face light up when I am in town, we’ll maybe not dads but yours. I keep remembering the time we had lunch together after dad died at your favorite Chinese restaurant The Panda. We had so much fun because we really bonded and talked as sisters and even though I was married for that moment I pretended that I wasn’t and we were young teenagers just leaving the nail shop after getting our nails done or that we just left the kingdom hall and talked about Jehovah God all day. I loved how you use to encourage me to keep studying gods word and to work toward baptism. I was so proud when u got baptized and gave your life to Jehovah though I loved the old Anne that could dance her butt off to MC Hammer songs and always carried a beautiful note singing “Im missing You Baby” by Anita Baker. You know Trina your best friend that lived around the corner from us still have the videos I taped of you dancing and singing. You could or should have been a star because you were a triple threat in everything you did. Even though I was older than u you acted more mature than me. You always knew how to make me laugh and make me cry at the same time. The memories we had as sisters was beautiful because I watched you grow into an independent beautiful black women that along with me carried much weight of our disruptive household but we still managed to make the best of it. You was my rock and u kept me sane when I felt the pressure of no friends, a father that loved me but taunted me for my mistakes and a oldest sister I wanted to be like in every way that wanted me dead than alive. I guest I really latched o to you because no one else liked me or deemed me worthy as a human being. Being picked on a lot growing up u always had my back even though I didn’t always have yours I really tried to make up for not being there after mom died. I ran away and I know that hurt and confused you because when I came back I wasn’t your sister anymore I was someone different that been in the streets and u wanted your sister back but the damage was already done. I really miss you sis and there’s so much I wish I could have said and we could have talked about but I guess I was late and wasn’t there for you at the time you needed me the most and I’m sorry for that. I know I will see you soon and me you and the whole family will be together again this time on a paradise earth Jehovah promised those who love him where we will never die, never say “I am sick, never cry or hurt anymore or feel fear or unhappy because the former things will have been just a memory. I love you and I think about you everyday. I promise you we will be together again as a family.

Keep Coming Back

Guest Post

I have come to this site often over the past years.
Three days ago marked 35 years since my brother died by setting himself on fire and surviving 43 days on a burn unit.
If you are here you have probably experienced the worst thing that has ever happened to you. After 35 years that is still true for me.
I have noticed a trend toward people posting and receiving no response. Please know each of us here has experienced something similar and we do care.
I believe the wear and tear of the pandemic have left many, many people feeling like they are spread thin.
Please do not take the lack of response as a lack of caring. Take the time to read through past posts to find support and understanding.
If you are a long timer dropping back in, consider responding with a sentence or two to someone else.
Keep coming back here. It matters. We hear you. We care.

My Brother, My Soulmate

Guest Post
It was 9 years ago that my little brother had his life taken by unbearable depression: January 30, 2013.
We were 1.5 years apart. He had just turned 30 years old and was close to graduating with a Ph.D from Oxford University. We’re from a blue collar family on the south side of Chicago, so we were so proud of him. He could translate Ancient Greek and Latin. I used to tease him that he was going to school at Hogwarts. We were both obsessed with Harry Potter and Star Wars. We were so close that we could finish each other’s sentences and we always knew what the other was feeling, even when we were an ocean apart.
After he died, I was forever changed. I had been his big sister for 30 years. And I felt like he left me behind. I have a wonderful husband and 5 beautiful children but…there’s a huge piece of my heart that is gone, forever.
I’m not scared of death anymore. I know somewhere, my dear one is waiting for me. And his is the first face I’ll see when that day comes that I cross over the veil.
Rest In Peace my dearest Tommy until we meet again.

My Angel on Earth

Guest Post
Two weeks ago today my sister died by suicide. She was 16 years older than me and was often assumed to be my mother both when I was young and as I grew up. Truthfully, she did a lot to raise me. In our family, she was my person. She cared for me, protected me, supported me, encouraged me, and never let me feel alone. I have never felt more alone than I do now without her. I have a hard time imagining my life going on without her here. I am finding myself desperate to see or feel her around me and I haven’t yet. Everyone keeps saying how strong I am but I don’t want to have to be strong.. I just want my sister back with me. I feel guilty that the world is going to keep on turning without her. It doesn’t feel right.