Is this real???

It was around 2:00 am, my phone rang, it was my step-father. I immediately thought something was wrong with my mother. She has been chronically ill most of my life and in the back of my head I was thinking, “oh no, this is it, she’s gone.” As my step-father continued, the next phrase didn’t seem real….”your brother has shot himself”. Nowhere in my mind did this make sense.
It has been almost three months since that night and I still question why. I find myself “googling” his name often, subconsciously hoping something other than obituaries will come up. But still, there they are, he’s still gone. There will never be another conversation, another voicemail, another silly text, another hug, another “love you little brother”. There will never be another…anything. I think about it daily and I have cried some good cries in solitude but I don’t “feel” as much as I did about it a month or so ago. Is something wrong with me? Shouldn’t I be grieving more? I miss my brother immensely and I loved him very much, shouldn’t I be beside myself? I read stories of those that can’t sleep, can’t stop crying, can’t eat and I wonder why I don’t feel this way. I just want this all to be a dream.

3 thoughts on “Is this real???

  1. When my brother took his life yeah tht day I cried all night.. i had aunts, uncles come over and I don’t remember ever opening my eyes. I had them a
    Closed never looking at anyone hoping it was a dream.. i went to bed and woke up with my cousin next to me and still in pain but no tears.. for the next few months. I was living like i was ok. Seen my mom dad grieving but not me? I was so close to him like we were bestfriends. Only person that understood me.. and couldn’t seem to find myself falling ina hole. I was living like im in this bad dream or one day hes gonna come home.. 2 years later im grieving and so confused about everything and depression is a fight. Im no longer that girl trying to bring the family together I’m the problem now. Yelling, fighting, being disobedient. All this $**t..

  2. Nothing is wrong with you. I felt very similar, and still do. My grief was initially delayed so you may find that’s the case for you too. But if it isn’t, then that’s ok too. I often think I should have been more of a mess and struggling to function but I’ve come to realise that’s not me. And that doesn’t mean I loved him any less. I worry that others may think I couldn’t have cared that much because I seem to be doing ok, but like you, I cried in solitude and still do. 2 years on and it still doesn’t feel real, but at the same time it hits me like a bus some days and I feel that pain all over again as if it’s just happened. Everyone’s grief is different, every relationship is different but regardless of that, the love is there and always will be. There is nothing wrong with you!

  3. I’m glad I’m not the only one who googles their name all the time! Just today, I found a new site that she was on. She loved writing. I loved reading all of her blogging. I found her Myspace,LOL, but have to remember my login info. to look at her pics from back then. I hope time has helped your pain a little. Big hugs and love!

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