Little brother

It’s been a year and 3 months now… I don’t really even know where to begin… Ever since the day that it happened and I seen you laying there, cold, I’ve never felt like I was able to cope, or even ever have the time. I hid, I broke and fell, and when other people around, I stood tall and stayed strong for them. I never gave myself the chance to let out all the emotions that came with losing you… Even today when mom brings you up and wants to talk about it, all I feel like I can do is act emotionless and be an ear for her to listen to. I tell her what she wants to hear even though I think differently.
I miss you a lot man, and I don’t know how to cope with losing you. I’ve been trying for this past year to “move on” and it just feels like the more I try to move on, the more I forget… I look at a picture of you now and I don’t recognize you anymore… Neither can I listen to a recording of you and be able to tell that it’s you… I don’t know who you are anymore and I feel numb at the thought of you. Numb in a way that makes me feel like “it’s ok, I’m living my life”. I feel terrible, and guilty. But I don’t know what else to do…
Why did I have to dream about it before it happened and not be able to recognize it or do anything about it…? You doing that forced me to watch OUR favorite show’s final episode, by myself… For the first time in my entire life, I had to watch our favorite show, without you. I feel like I lost more than just you, I feel like I lost nearly 3/4 of who I am… Everyday since that day I can feel myself faking all the emotions like it doesn’t matter… You just wait until I get up there and kick your butt… I’ll have a lot of stories to tell you.

3 thoughts on “Little brother

  1. I lost my brother less than one month ago. He was my little brother too. He took a part of my life with him, it would never be the same. I am sorry for your loss, I feel your pain. I also feel like I have to be the strong person for my parents but inside I am freaking sad all the time. I wish I was a better sister, I wish I could have said bye to him…. But I am sure I will see him again one day…

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