It’s been fourteen years since you left and not a single day passes that I do not think about you. I try to focus on what I had, instead of what I lost and most days, it works. On those days, I think of what I miss about you. I think about your maddening dry sense of humor, your intelligent response to everything, and your witty charm that kept everyone around you mesmerized. You had a certain way with people and I deeply admired that about you.
But what I miss the most is the look upon your face every time you saw me. The second you realized I was near, you would drop whatever it was your were doing and the biggest smile would appear across your face. As you yelled my name with so much enthusiasm and excitement, you would walk towards me to give me a welcoming hug. You would bend down to wrap me in your warm embrace and lift me off the ground as you whispered, “I missed you kid,” into my ear. It didn’t matter how long (or how short) it had been since I last you. You always told me you missed me. It made me feel like a million dollars each time!
I always felt so safe when I was in your arms, as if the world (or anyone in it) could never harm me. Your arms were like a shield of protection that was impenetrable by even the strongest of forces. I haven’t felt that safe since our last embrace and my soul aches for it every moment of every day.
You were the best big brother that a girl could ever hope for and you loved me so fiercely. You treated me like I was your equal, even though there was an age gap of ten years between us. You understood everything there is about me, and accepted every part of who I am, flaws and all. You knew me deepest secrets and my darkest fears and not once did you ever use them against me. You encouraged me to follow my dreams, to never take life for granted, and to always remember that no matter what, you’d always be here for me.
I may never know exactly why you did what you did…or even what you were possibly thinking, but I’ve come to accept the fact that those are questions I will never get an answer to. And surprisingly, that’s okay now. It took many years to come to this point, but now that I am here, I am finally able to focus on what truly matters.
I no longer feel the need to know the facts behind your reasoning. I just need to remember the fact that you loved me. That your choice had nothing to do with me or how much you and I cared about each other. Although it still feels very personal to me, that is not how you intended for it to make me feel.
I know you loved me. I know you cared about me. I even know you valued our relationship and cherished the close bond that we shared for twenty years. I also know that you’re sorry for the pain you caused. You didn’t mean to break our hearts or to leave us riddled with guilt that would try desperately to destroy us.
You didn’t mean any of it…and I have to remember that. Even when I become so angry yet again for what happened. Even when I am feeling beaten down and ready to explode from all the anguish of it all.
Whenever you are at this precise moment in time, I hope you are happy and finally at peace. No matter what has happened, I still admire you and strive everyday to be the best version of myself that you always knew I would become. I hope that when you look down on me from up above, you are proud of the woman I have become. You taught me so much and believed in me when no one else did. For that, i will always be grateful.
I love you brother of mine. I always have and I always will. Until we meet again.