I don’t know what to do without you

My older sister, 2 years older than me took her life at the end of 2017. She always appeared confident and proud to everyone, walking with her shoulders back and neck tall in the hallways and charming everyone she met. I’ve always been the quieter sister that stresses over everything and now that she’s gone, I’ve suddenly started to become her. She was reckless and did things on impulse but she always found
a way to make things thrilling like staying up in the dark playing video games or spending a whole day playing lame chess and card games when our parents cut the internet.
I don’t know how to get through highschool without her, I miss all the kick-a** advice she gave me and all the times she toughened me up in our petty little insult battles. I’ve somehow started to become her but it doesn’t feel right, like I’ve been forced to fill the gap that’s left in my parents hearts and in my own heart by becoming her because I need her guidance so badly.
Sometimes I wish she told me because despite us always bickering, it was always us against our parents and now it feels lonely and hopeless for me now that she’s left. I really wish I could have gone with her.. but I know how much damage that would cause and that everyone has the right to live out their life the way they want.

One thought on “I don’t know what to do without you

  1. I can relate to “us against our parents.” My brother killed himself just 3 weeks ago now. Luckily I’m 26 and have been out of the house for a while now, but our mom is not easy to deal with. He was not able to really move out on his own due to mental illness, so in a way I am trying to see this as his way out.

    You will find your way out too – high school is not that long. In my experience my parents became more respectful of me once I moved out of the house. You can try to push on for your sister. She will always want you to be ok.

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