My brother reached out and called me the day of his suicide. I ignored his call because I was out with someone and thought only about myself. I was the first person he had called and the closest to him and I did not pick up. I was always by his side when he needed me and I loved him more than it is humanly possible. We were inseparable. Yet he passed away broken hearted and alone thinking he was a burden to me and I did not love him. I replay that day in my head a million times over. I know for certain if I had spoken to him it could have been different. Instead I’m stuck here in the bottom of a black hole. Unable to crawl out of this deep guilt and despair that’s been clinging on to me for years. On the exterior I appear the same as the person I was before this, but inside I feel completely and utterly hollow. Numb at the new reality. How does anyone have the will to live with this type of insurmountable guilt?
This is not a suicide or crisis resource. Please contact a counselor, family member, friend, or emergency services if you are having suicidal thoughts.
In the USA, call:
For Deaf, Hard of Hearing, and People with Speech Disabilities who use a TTY, call 1-800-799-4TTY (4889)